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Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with
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I have tried to interrogate myself about why I am sloppy and how to remedy it but haven't figured it out.
Changing the placement of the Aloe Vera plant on a daily basis was consciously provocative but it didn't lead to conflict - it was merely shuttled a few inches back and forward every day for weeks and now sits in the preferred spot, after the blind was adjusted so it didn't catch it.
Definitely, I do genuinely forgot to do house stuff that I ought to have remembered. I just get distracted. I should have much more of a routine for the basic stuff by now.
Sometimes I wonder whether part of me just expects to be pulled up for some deficiency or other regardless of my diligence and care so I am going to get it in the neck, albeit in a polite way, anyhow for something I haven't anticipated, so it doesn't matter if I miss out a task. That perhaps accounts for the odd missed activity.
Hopefully I am not passive aggressive - one of my mates was a real corker for sabotaging activities so they weren't given any responsibility - every part of the characteristic listed in Wikipedia described them to a tee - she was a total mare for things like punctuality, missing deadlines, forgetfulness (probably intentionally), blaming others, falling out with colleagues and so forth.
I'm actually quite efficient as an employee....
So you're doing things purposely to either wind them up (why continually move the plant? That's just childish) or to get out of doing things? If this is the case then I can see why they've got a problem.
I personally do like a clean and tidy house and have to try and strike a balance getting things done efficiently and not being like my Mam! In other words, she's a very assertive person when it comes to her house. She nagged and nagged and nagged my poor Dad, and I know at times he was genuinely unhappy.
I saw that happen, and made a vow, that although I like things done in a certain way, and everything has it's place etc, I would not be like that with my husband....although a couple of times he has uttered the words "you're turning into your Mam"! But very rarely!
So my method instead of nagging/nit picking is to just move the offending object, to just knock the light off that has been left on for the millionth time :mad: and not say anything. But in general, we have the same views in where things should go and tidiness and cleanliness of the house....it sounds like you and your OH are poles apart though, and even though their method of constantly nit-picking is somewhat suspect, I can totally see it from their POV, I couldn't live with someone who was untidy, messy and had no respect for the house and it's occupants.
Because that's what it comes down to really. Maybe if you did the stuff that they are always "nit-picking" about, then they wouldn't have to "nit-pick" so much? Maybe that's just how they are though, and that's not a good thing either. At the moment though, it just sounds like you're rubbing each other up the wrong way.0 -
I suppose if the nit picking has gone on for years the roles and behaviour of the OH and partner may be set in stone.
If they've been together for years and it's just started happening, the reason needs to be uncovered.
If it's a fairly new relationship the communication lines need to be agreed and improved on both sides......................I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
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I'm kinda on the husbands side here. We don't have any idea what his version of events would look like but it would probably be this:
I love my partner very much, but she is so disorganised. She consistently puts things back in places that they don't belong; like leaving coats and handbags and shoes wherever, when we gave a coat rack, a place for handbags and shoes. It's annoying to have these things in the way making the place look more untidy.
She frequently 'forgets' to tidy up after herself in the kitchen and what she does feels a little unhygienic to me and has gotten as far as leaving a damp mop on the carpet!! It's like the jobs she starts are always unfinished and are a bit sloppy.
It's almost got to the point now where she is testing me, constantly reshuffling bathroom plants and ornaments. It's like she pays zero attention to her environment and I'm always having to go round and finish things, clean up or rearrange because she can't be arsed. It's exhausting, what should I do?
i guarantee you'll all give advice and say the exact same thing; leave her; she's lazy etc. the reality is this: we have two very different people's style of home management, and anyone who fly ladies or konmaries or any thing else would get damn annoyed with you. I'll say it - it's not that hard to walk into a room, pay concerted attention for a few minutes and think; what needs to be done? If you mop, put everything away at the end of it. If there is a designated place for coats, put your coat there when you come in. Are you one of these people that walks up to the front door and then has to fish around for keys; or are they already in hand because you pre empted the need for keys two minutes ago? If you pre empted, apply that to the rest of your life. If you don't, you'll at least appreciate the difference in people's mind sets; those who pre empt, those that don't.
These are the differences in your minds. He is more aware; you appear to lack awareness. Why would you even put a mop on the carpet, much less leave it there? Change will have to happen on both sides if you want this to work as you say this relationship is worth it every other way. If it's worth it, clean up your act! He may well get to the point where he feels like a parent, not an equal. That is no good for a relationship.
P.s apologies if this sounds harsh but I get it completely, I understand why it seems like picking on the little things. But it IS the little things that make a difference. My husband and I both have things that we 'notice', so I make an effort to put my clothes and bags in the correct place and he makes the effort to clean properly. This is because he makes me notice why my handbag 'there' gets on his tits and then skids it down the hallway in vicinity of a place for it. I've now 'got it' and my handbag lives there now. Would you care more about putting your coat on the back of the chair than how annoying it is for him that it's in the way?#KiamaHouse0 -
These are the differences in your minds. He is more aware; you simply lack awareness. Change will have to happen on both sides if you want this to work as you say this telationship is worth it every other way.
This is the essential thing - both partners need to work at changing the things they do or don't do that annoy the other one.
However, I would still struggle with my OH telling me I'm in the wrong all the time.
They need to agree on what most annoys them and make strenuous efforts to change, eg he won't interfere when she is cooking; she will put coat and bag away.
Talking about how one person's behaviour is upsetting the other and reaching compromises is going to be essential if the relationship is going to last.0 -
Why not have a message board for things to do? If it's stuff like 'take chicken out of freezer', you won't forget it - and if it turns into a list of don't do x, y or z, it'll be up there to show visibly just how much they do.
I pick up his jacket and hang it up, pick up cups, etc. I didn't last night because I was cleaning the bathroom. He didnt pick his jacket up - the cat made full use of it overnight, so he probably won't forget again for a while. His forgetting to pick up random stuff he's taken up to bed with him didnt stop until the same cat had knocked it all down off the dressing table several times. I cleared the surface of my stuff and he came back after relocating the cat outside the bedroom and picked up his. He does insist on the cat sleeping in his own bed in the hall at night now (except when jackets are handily available), but the clutter doesn't appear anymore.
In the same way, I don't put the washing away soon enough when I do it - I work longer hours and I'm tired. And he didn't do the washing - apparently he thought he might do something wrong. So the cat would sit on it. In the same way, I stopped picking up the dirty washing in the first place. He nicely asked if I'd seen any socks one day - 'umm, no, I think there might be some on the bedroom floor that need washing, if you go and get a washload down, I'll stick the machine on in a minute. Oh, and whilst you're up there, if you split the stuff into darks, reds and whites, that'll be a start for the next load'. He now sorts the washing without thinking about it - and puts it in the machine
He doesn't want to put my stuff away (he'd be there for hours), but he has washed it all, dried it and carefully bagged it up and brought it upstairs for me to deal with. As the bedroom is largely cat free now, it saves fluff attaching to it and I either put it away or I don't. He's happy - and I don't have to put his stuff away anymore (or wash it in the first place).I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll0 -
BigAunty , here is your solution -get a catThe word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
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What would happen if you bought something new, without his knowledge, and decided where the 'correct' place was for it?
Or, what would happen if you moved something to a new place e.g. swopped a couple of picture frames over - and when he says that's not the 'correct' place, correct by saying yes it is - it's the 'new place' because I like I there, I just didn't like the 'old place' - so I changed it - you want me to be happy don't you!??I used to work for Tesco - now retired - speciality Clubcard0 -
My ex was exactly like to OP's. It was only after he'd had an affair and i kicked him out that i realised what a doormat i'd been for over 20 years.
When he left i wrote a list of all the things he used to say and do which made me feel like the OP does. I showed it to my sister in law and other very close friends. They all said the same thing, "why on earth did you put up with it ?" I said the same as the OP, i loved him, we never argued, he was my soul mate blah blah blah.
What an absolute load of tosh that was. It was like a lightbulb going on in my head, it wasn't me, it was him !!
Since he left, i've realised that he continually wore me down, i never saw it at the time, i just thought his standards were higher than mine and that he was right, that i was the untidy one in the house.
Well OP, all i can tell you is how i feel now, after over 20 years of being made to feel inferior, is that it's like being set free. I live life now as i like, not walking on eggshells every single day, not having to look at his face as he walked in the door to see what sort of mood he was in, not having to worry about whether things were done to his standards.
Both my children (they are now 28 and 15) saw what he did, even though it was subtle, they knew how he made me feel. They both agree now that life is much better now he isn't here. He's been gone for 13 years now, i have never been as happy as i am now. And i thought i had a happy marriage.
Someone has already mentioned that as you get older this will get worse, i agree. OP, you really need to do something about it or you will be miserable for a long long time. You deserve more than that, the longer you put up with it, the more resentful you will feel. Do you really want to live with that ?
That could be my story too....
Before the marriage ended, we had got to the point that myself and the boys were on eggshells just before he came home, dreading what he would get annoyed about. Nothing we did was ever good enough and we knew (and expected, no matter how hard we tried), that the result would be flying items, lots of shouting and aggression.
My confidence and self esteem had been completely eroded. I felt inferior, was made inferior but at the time, didn't really realise what had been happening.
I pushed back on occasions, after being told I didn't iron his shirts correctly, I refused to iron them. He was soon being pulled up at work because his shirts were not up to standard but no matter how hard he tried to get me to do them again, I always always refused.
At the end, I felt bleak, I was crushed, I was no longer me. My life was all about keeping him happy so we didn't have the explosions...never worked as there was always something that either myself or the boys had done wrong (or things that had gone wrong in his day was somehow my fault).
He hadn't always been aggressive about it though, it had started with little pointers, little aside comments etc.
The boys say that the best thing that happened to them was when our marriage broke down (after he had an affair), they could finally start to have a voice, they could be children and have fun. Eldest is convinced he would not now be at uni, middle son is convinced he would be in prison and certainly not going to uni this year.
He still tries now to make me feel inferior or not good enough but I am stronger now and refuse to be intimidated by him.We made it! All three boys have graduated, it's been hard work but it shows there is a possibility of a chance of normal (ish) life after a diagnosis (or two) of ASD. It's not been the easiest route but I am so glad I ignored everything and everyone and did my own therapies with them.
Eldests' EDS diagnosis 4.5.10, mine 13.1.11 eekk - now having fun and games as a wheelchair user.0 -
op, I completely understand how you feel, my husband is the same has to find the negative in eveverything.
I make dinner and don't set the salt and pepper out, I get moaned at, I don't take salt and pepper so I just tell him if he wants it get it himself, but when I have spent hours making us a really nice dinner I want to hear that looks lovely etc, not where is the salt and pepper.
He has also been complaining that there is no food in the house all week, I am used to him not being here during the week and I eat my main meal work, so there is never really dinner food in the house, but my attitude is now if he wants food, he knows where the shop is.
He is also a messy so and so, I tidy the kitchen before work, it's a mess when I get home so him moaning at me about a piece of rubbish nor being in the bin makes me wanna scream.
Unfortunately the negativity isn't just about the house,it's everything, he couldn't even say congratulations when I got a new job, had to find some negative in it, I don't drive with him in the car as I can't listen to the minor points he makes, but supposedly he is not complaining and trying to help, eggs: I don't turn off the heater or wipers before turning off the car, this gets mentioned as soon as I start the car, it's my car, I can leave the wipers in the on position if I want!
I refuse to be a servant, but his negativity really gets me down sometimes, but I am trying to deal with it,every relationship needs compromise,and it's even more difficult when I am used to having the house my way as he isn't here, but the key is to communicate, communicate and communicate, it's not easy but the important thing is as , don't focus on the things he does that a nnoy you (like the nit picking) instead focus on the things he does that please you (like the nice hug when you get home from work, the phone call just to say hello as he misses me, the way he makes me laugh etc)
Good luck opWeight loss challenge, lose 15lb in 6 weeks before Christmas.0
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