Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with

pickledonionspaceraider

fierystormcloud wrote: »

My handbag moves about. Sometimes it will be in the hall cupboard, sometimes in the kitchen, sometimes in the lounge. It has no 'allocated' space.

Snap, mine tends to follow me about the house, it's a huge mary poppins type bag that everything can be found in lol

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Snap, mine tends to follow me about the house, it's a huge mary poppins type bag that everything can be found in lol

If I ever mutter 'where's my handbag?', I'll get a very mild

'Which one in particular? The red one'sunder the armchair, the little one's on the bannister, I've got your laptop bag and the other two hundred and sixty seven are either on the back of the bedroom door or were at the bottom of the wardrobe when I threw five pairs of shoes in there earlier'.

He does exaggerate slightly.

lostinrates

Brecon_Beacons wrote: »

Well I think you two deserve each other.

None of what you describe is about 'standards', or 'hygiene', or any other name you put on it.

It is all about CONTROL.

He is seeking to control you by micro-management. He's drawing up an endless, ever-changing list of 'rules' to which only HE has the guide. The 'cheeriness' with which he sets out to 'correct' you is chilling - it sounds psychopathic to me.

But YOU are seeking to control HIM by 'forgetting' to do things. Be truthful: you're not forgetting to clean a litter tray - which has an abusive impact on an animal you are responsible for - you are 'forgetting' because you a) don't want to do it, and b) you DO want to control your partner, by peeing him off.

Yep. You two deserve each other, in spades. I wouldn't want to meet either of you!

I agree, a lot of it is about control. From my pov as a not picker I admit that. But Not of my DH rather my surroundings. I have enjoyed sharing homes with others and share well.

I understand, and do not need to go into here, my motivation, and so does my husband. Interestingly, his older brother is similar personality but has different 'control points'. My husband obviously had similar things to face as his brother, but for him this motivated a desire to care and nurture, and a little protective. Luckily we both have patience and forgiveness.

No one is a blank state of perfection and flawless personality sadly. But even so, I think these difficulties make good relationships stronger and more communicative.

splishsplash

missbiggles1 wrote: »

The OP has made it very clear that, apart from this issue, her marriage is happy and her husband pretty nearly perfect. Fortunately, many of us take our marriage vows more seriously than you seem to do.

I saw reference to neither husband nor marriage in any of the OP's posts - where did you?

Funny how we interpret things differently. I picture two women, where the OP's partner views the house and cooking/cleaning as her purview with the OP acting the interloper and not quite trusted to be competent.

Not that it matters as it's really nothing to do with the cleaning or cooking, all to do with passive aggressive controlling each other. It only continues because they allow it to.

meritaten

I usually just ignore my OH's nitpicking - I am fairly sure he is on the 'spectrum' as my son is and so are some of the grandchildren.
today though I had to laugh - OH was at work when the heating engineer came to fix a minor problem with the boiler (which is located in the airing cupboard). I was aware he had 'tidied and completely rearranged' the airing cupboard yesterday, but for some reason we couldn't find the heater manual, which was always kept with it. phoned OH and he had put it in the spare bedroom in the Vax shampooer box! as I explained to the engineer - My OH doesn't do logical! yet he is ALWAYS pointing out to me the error of my ways!
oh and I cant find a dam thing in the airing cupboard and for some reason the clean tea towels were on the shelf with the sheets and not the towels! it must make sense to OH in a weird way.

carmina_piranha

Not being argumentative, but being tidy and liking things a certain way doesn't always mean a person is 'on the spectrum'. Messy and disorganised isn't exactly 'typical' either.

GaleSF63

BigAunty wrote: »

How would you deal with a partner who constantly critiques and changes everything in the house? There's no aggression.

For example, an offer to cook dinner (if accepted at all) will usually involve feedback about using the wrong type of oil, under or over seasoning, using the wrong type of pan or utensils and putting the food on the wrong type of plate while also perhaps choosing the wrong type of veg to go with it, plus a complaint about the mess left in the kitchen. Dishes are stirred, seasoning is added and there are usually strict instructions about what food types go with what spices and any deviation from it causes upset. Items put back in the fridge and cupboards are usually reshuffled.

Spring cleaning the house usually involves being advised what bits have been missed, what cleaning products should have been used instead and that the wrong scented candles or incense has been lit. Coasters, ornaments, fruitbowls and plants get moved back to their original places if they aren't in the same place. There is, for example, a specific place to store spare loo rolls and put bottles of toiletries because they always move to that spot when they are a foot or two away.

Shopping usually results in being told that the wrong items have been purchased or in the wrong quantities while items that were needed have not been remembered.

Each return to the house after work seems to involve some kind of inspection in the rooms to correct things that have been put in the wrong place and a critique of whether or not the daily tasks (like cat-feeding, emptying the cat tray, dish washer emptying, manual washing up, emptying the dishwasher and laundry) have been done as expected, and to the right standard. Bags, shoes and coats that are apparently out of place migrate back into the correct spot.

So any tips on dealing with this kind of interference, scrutiny and micro management?

The OP has admitted to being a bit messy and forgetting things, but most of the above has nothing to do with either of those things - wrong type of plate?

If she (I assume she) did everything exactly as their partner wanted would all the nitpicking, advice and criticism stop? I don't think so. There would be a whole mountain of other things that weren't right.

lazer

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Aren't relationships meant to work as partnerships? If you know your OH likes S&P with his meal, then why don't you just put them out? My husband has salad cream with nearly everything (weird I know!), I don't have it with anything other than a salad. I still put it out for him.

When you're in the Supermarket buying your own food, how hard would it be to put something in for him too?

The above sounds more like a lodger set up rather than a couple. It seems like you're doing it to prove a point?

If people (not just you) do/do not do things on purpose, is it any wonder their partners get annoyed?

Of course it's a partnership, I don't do the things on purpose, but I refuse to be treated like servant too, I shouldn't be complained at for forgetting stuff and never getting any compliments, praise or thanks for the things I do well

I do put them out most of the time, but when he is only here one night a week on average, I don't remember,it's not a case of not putting them out on purpose but I don't believe in should get moaned at for forgetting, he should just go to the cupboard and get them without a fuss.

As for the Supermarket as above he is away a lot and I don't know when he is coming home a lot of the time so when I buy food on a Monday, there is no point in buying dinner food that will go bad if he not home to Friday or Saturday, and I work full time and live in a rural areas so can't just rush to the supermarket when he comes home. If he is at home for longer lengths of time I do buy food if I am in the Supermarket but I don't want to work full time, do all the cooking cooking, all the cleaning cleaning and all the food shopping shopping,he can do some of it, especially as there is so much more to do when he is at home.

It's good to see a different perspective on this. Thanks

Savvy_Sue

There is a useful phrase I have made use of in the past (and quite recently). It goes "I am sure you had a good reason for doing x, y or z ... but would you mind telling me what it is because I have no idea what it was!"

We have a few 'systems', eg if the outer front door is unlocked, we turn the porch light on (it's got a light sensitive bulb in it). If I ask if it's locked or unlocked, I'm supposed to be able to work it out. But as I said to DH the other day "I'm not perfect, are you?"

wannabe_sybil

OP - this is your life. This is how it is always going to be. If you retire together then this is how your whole day will be. If you are spending all your hours together then it will always be the same or worse. It is never going to get less without radical action with both parties very committed and agreed - and that may take years.

I've no advice except you need to find the coping strategies that keep a little sanity.