Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with

balletshoes

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Some men just won't change... ever. Mainly because they can't see anything wrong with their behaviour.

pinkandblueshoe wrote: »

I'd run a mile and I speak from experience on that one. Your partner has issues. Major issues. In how he views the world, how he views himself and definitely how he views women.

Mojisola wrote: »

It doesn't actually matter whether the partner is male or female.

Would anyone's advice change if the partner wasn't male? Women can be pains-in-the-backside just as much as men.

I agree with you Mojisola, it shouldn't change the advice given - but I'm not sure thats always the case - given the couple of examples I've quoted above yours. I'm not saying that either fierystormcloud or pinkandblueshoe feel differently, but I think people may be assuming that the partner is male when they may not be.

Errata

I have no idea what gender the partner is, but I do think that if the relationship is of many years standing and the nit picking has only recently started something's gone very wrong somewhere.
If the relationship is a fairly new one, then it may be on it's shakedown cruise and the propeller is falling off.
The gender of those involved is immaterial, the reason for the nitpicking isn't.

BigAunty

Update. So the nit-picking and micro management continued unabated although the Aloe Vera plant was moved to mutually approved neutral ground.

Behaviour included regular switching off lights and the central heating without consultating me on the grounds that 'it's warm enough' and 'we don't need the main light on'.

No matter how many times I said 'I think its rude for you to simply switch off a light in a room I'm in without asking me first' and 'You are fully aware that I may have a medical condition that makes it hard for me to keep warm and really suffer if the house is cold', I frequently ended up sitting in dark and cold rooms after losing the battle of the light switches and heating thermostat.

The socket by my bedside table that I charge my phone overnight became a battlefield because of the adamant belief that all sockets in the house should be switched off when not in use (apart from the digital television recorder which seems to be unusually ring-fenced from this health and safety activity).

I found the plug socket stuff just completely weird. The microwave, dish washer and cooker gets left on, too, but my bedside table socket was switched off every morning without fail.

I got so tired of plugging my phone into it, then finding it half dead in the morning because the socket was switched off or having to move the bedside table to switch it on each night, that I even sellotaped the switch to the 'on' position. The sellotape was removed and a 24 hour timing device placed into the socket to control the electricity to it during bedtime periods (I chucked it away).

No amount of pleading over the light/heating/electrical socket issue made any difference. Similar battleground over whether the curtains should be shut in my office/spareroom - my preference continually ignored.

One evening that consisted of a series of questions critiquing me for things I can't even remember now (but was the usual litany about my domestic failings, how I had failed to do things or had not done them to the required standard) saw me hand back my wedding ring.

I said before that incident that I needed peace and quiet to finish off a job application but the interruptions with criticism of trivial domestic stuff just went on and on. I lost my temper for the first time in years.

I said I had a light bulb moment that the counselling I had been attending for what I perceived to be work-related pressures and a couple of personal traumas before I met my partner was utterly wasted because I was criticised at home so often everyday.

I said I believed the behaviour I experienced was making me mentally fragile, that I could never relax, that I was tired of being treated like a naughty child, that I couldn't bear to live in the same place. I ranted and raved for ages and moved into the spare room.

I received a full and sincere apology and a promise not to behave in that manner anymore. Since then, the house has been a peaceful place. I have obviously got to keep an eye on it as it's only been a few weeks.

However, if it creeps back again, I am off. My partner knows that when I handed back my wedding ring, it wasn't a gesture but me at the end of my tether and that I will end our relationship rather than being put under constant monitoring.

I have felt a lot brighter since then. I think I didn't realise the impact of being constantly undermined at the time and I've now got zero tolerance for it now. I'm much happier, feel a load has been lifted. There must have been a degree of stress on my part anticipating the next time I needed to defend or justify myself or coming across something in the house that had been changed or moved.

Thanks for your advice. It was nice to re-read the constructive criticism, some of which predicted that the behaviour would become more entrenched.

fierystormcloud

Glad things are (sort of) OK BigAunty. You sounded like you WERE at the end of your tether, and had just about had enough. So I am glad you confronted him.

I hope things continue to be OK.

LilElvis

Men can change! My husband's constant turning down of the heating thermostat was cited in divorce proceedings by his ex-wife as an example of his unreasonable behaviour. I must be more scary as I am allowed to keep the heating at my preferred level - somewhere around the tropical region

Probably helps that I would rather eat a horse than own one - the ex had 3

fierystormcloud

LilElvis wrote: »

Men can change! My husband's constant turning down of the heating thermostat was cited in divorce proceedings by his ex-wife as an example of his unreasonable behaviour. I must be more scary as I am allowed to keep the heating at my preferred level - somewhere around the tropical region

Probably helps that I would rather eat a horse than own one - the ex had 3

Yes and they do. Usually around their mid 30s though. They go from being immature and selfish, to well... being not quite so immature and selfish.. Meanwhile we women carry on as we are; moaning, and grinding on their nerves. :rotfl::rotfl:

Anyway, I am the opposite with the heating. I am usually warm, and DH is often chilly. This can be hard sometimes, but we usually meet halfway somehow!

Kaye1

Good for you BigAunty.


In regards the heating thing- and I am genuinely not being flippant here- we bought a slanket. OH is way hotter than I am and was always moaning that he is sweating at home. I am always cold. So I bought a big thick slanket for when we are watching tv. I look like a large brown otter but boy is it warm.


I really hope all continues to improve. All the very best.

Mojisola

LilElvis wrote: »

My husband's constant turning down of the heating thermostat was cited in divorce proceedings by his ex-wife as an example of his unreasonable behaviour. I must be more scary as I am allowed to keep the heating at my preferred level - somewhere around the tropical region

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-33760845

sweetilemon

I've not read the replies yet but I would probably turn it back around by saying something like 'you seem to be overly critical when I do the cooking, does it make you uncomfortable? Why is that?'. Just generally stating observations until they realise it is maybe their issue and not yours. Mind you, that's on a patient day...after a long day I might just say "well do it yourself then, I clearly can't do anything right, don't know why I bother trying! " but that's not quite so constructive.

Edit: just read the update, sounded like things had to be said and i'm glad it's made a difference. Good luck for the future.

System

My husband is a bit like that.... I take so much and then a short sharp swear word strategically spoken usually does the trick.

I dont usually swear but when i do, he knows he's pushed me too far.

Another phrase i use 'He who gets the vision, gets the job'.