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Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with
Comments
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missbiggles1 wrote: »The OP has made it very clear that, apart from this issue, her marriage is happy and her husband pretty nearly perfect. Fortunately, many of us take our marriage vows more seriously than you seem to do.
The OP was asking for opinions and this is my opinion.
As for 'taking marriage vows seriously'......words fail me. :mad:
So everyone who is married MUST stay married regardless of situation? The level on control she describes is not normal. The fact that they may be married doesn't excuse it, whatever you may think.
I can't see anywhere where it says that the couple are married. However this is irrelevant - I repeat - this is all about control and will ONLY get worse. I were the OP I would get out of the relationship as quickly as I could.0 -
missbiggles1 wrote: »The OP has made it very clear that, apart from this issue, her marriage is happy and her husband pretty nearly perfect. Fortunately, many of us take our marriage vows more seriously than you seem to do.The OP was asking for opinions and this is my opinion.
As for 'taking marriage vows seriously'......words fail me. :mad:
So everyone who is married MUST stay married regardless of situation? The level on control she describes is not normal. The fact that they may be married doesn't excuse it, whatever you may think.
I can't see anywhere where it says that the couple are married. However this is irrelevant - I repeat - this is all about control and will ONLY get worse. I were the OP I would get out of the relationship as quickly as I could.
I think you both have a point, and the right thing to do is somewhere between what the two of you are saying.
To stay in an unhappy marriage - if the marriage is defunct and abusive - is just crazy. Just because you made marriage vows, that doesn't mean you should have to stay in a marriage where you are unhappy. But then it's crazy to leave without trying to make it work too.
However, when it comes to someone of the age and generation of the OP and her husband, I am not sure he will ever change. The question is, does she focus on all the good things about him, and ignore the negative things? Or leave? And if so, where does she go?
It's not always easy for people to just leave, especially when you have been with someone for 30, 40, or 50 years or more. If a woman is quite a bit younger, and has parents (and maybe grandparents,) and other family members she can turn to, then she has more of an opportunity to start over. It's easier for a younger woman to make a fresh start; it's quite different when you're over 50.cooeeeeeeeee :j :wave:0 -
The OP was asking for opinions and this is my opinion.
As for 'taking marriage vows seriously'......words fail me. :mad:
So everyone who is married MUST stay married regardless of situation? The level on control she describes is not normal. The fact that they may be married doesn't excuse it, whatever you may think.
I can't see anywhere where it says that the couple are married. However this is irrelevant - I repeat - this is all about control and will ONLY get worse. I were the OP I would get out of the relationship as quickly as I could.
"Taking your marriage vows seriously" doesn't mean staying in an abusive or desperately unhappy marriage but this isn't the case here. You seemed to have missed the part where the OP says that,
"In all other respects, a perfect relationship, a real keeper, someone who encourages my interests, employment, education, who issues many compliments, socially active, great humour, kind, articulate, fantastic lover, soul mate.",
as well as acknowledging her own faults in the relationship. I wonder how many of us could honestly give our own partners such a glowing recommendation, however happy the relationship?
However, you are correct that there was no mention of being married but, considering how unmarried couples insist that their relationships are as committed as a marriage, that doesn't seem that relevant.
ETA
There's also no mention of the partner being male - along with most other people on the thread I just assumed that and offer my apologies to the OP.0 -
Of course it's a partnership, I don't do the things on purpose, but I refuse to be treated like servant too, I shouldn't be complained at for forgetting stuff and never getting any compliments, praise or thanks for the things I do well
I do put them out most of the time, but when he is only here one night a week on average, I don't remember,it's not a case of not putting them out on purpose but I don't believe in should get moaned at for forgetting, he should just go to the cupboard and get them without a fuss.
As for the Supermarket as above he is away a lot and I don't know when he is coming home a lot of the time so when I buy food on a Monday, there is no point in buying dinner food that will go bad if he not home to Friday or Saturday, and I work full time and live in a rural areas so can't just rush to the supermarket when he comes home. If he is at home for longer lengths of time I do buy food if I am in the Supermarket but I don't want to work full time, do all the cooking cooking, all the cleaning cleaning and all the food shopping shopping,he can do some of it, especially as there is so much more to do when he is at home.
It's good to see a different perspective on this. Thanks
Just the way it was worded made it seem like you did those things on purpose. Glad to hear that's not the case though!I suppose it's hard adapting to having him back in the house when you're used to be there on your own for the majority of the time.
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Everyone has different standards when it comes to housework, But this isnt about housework, its about control. It's not about leaving a mop on a carpet, it's about other things. If people have never been in a relationship where you are nitpicked to within an inch of your life, you might not get that even if everything was done perfectly according to these rules and regulations, the person criticising you would find something else to criticise you over.
If it wasn't how you cook your dinner or clean your home, it would be your weight, your dress sense, anything else to put you down and criticise you over.
It matters not if everything else is fabulous in your relationship, the one thing that seems to be missing is respect for you and I would bet if you delved into this man's relationship history he would have left a trail of people he has upset and put down behind.
Also sometimes when you are in a relationship like this, you can't see the wood for the trees and you get so ground down when you are being constantly belittled, you just accept that as your reality or you start to doubt and criticise yourself.
I'd run a mile and I speak from experience on that one. Your partner has issues. Major issues. In how he views the world, how he views himself and definitely how he views women.
But if you are determined to stay, this won't change so you'll just need to learn to live with his constant abuse, because that is what this is.0 -
pinkandblueshoe wrote: »Everyone has different standards when it comes to housework, But this isnt about housework, its about control. It's not about leaving a mop on a carpet, it's about other things. If people have never been in a relationship where you are nitpicked to within an inch of your life, you might not get that even if everything was done perfectly according to these rules and regulations, the person criticising you would find something else to criticise you over.
If it wasn't how you cook your dinner or clean your home, it would be your weight, your dress sense, anything else to put you down and criticise you over.
It matters not if everything else is fabulous in your relationship, the one thing that seems to be missing is respect for you and I would bet if you delved into this man's relationship history he would have left a trail of people he has upset and put down behind.
Also sometimes when you are in a relationship like this, you can't see the wood for the trees and you get so ground down when you are being constantly belittled, you just accept that as your reality or you start to doubt and criticise yourself.
I'd run a mile and I speak from experience on that one. Your partner has issues. Major issues. In how he views the world, how he views himself and definitely how he views women.
But if you are determined to stay, this won't change so you'll just need to learn to live with his constant abuse, because that is what this is.
:T
I have to say though that people shouldn't just run without at least trying to make it work, but it can get to the point where you have tried and tried to make it work, and it isn't working, and you just can't go on anymore.
You can't spend your whole life miserable, and then look back when you're a pensioner, regretting the wasted years with a man you resent, so much so that you can't remember last when you felt like you loved him.
Some men just won't change... ever. Mainly because they can't see anything wrong with their behaviour.cooeeeeeeeee :j :wave:0 -
How do we know the OP's partner is a man?0
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balletshoes wrote: »How do we know the OP's partner is a man?
We are 6 pages and over 100 posts into the thread, and dozens of posters have said 'him,' he,' 'my husband,' 'your husband,' etc...
Yet the OP has not once said 'my partner is not a man.'
Surely if her partner was not a man, Big Aunty would have said something by now, to 'put us right.'
Many, many posters have referred to her partner being a man in their responses...yet she has said nothing.cooeeeeeeeee :j :wave:0 -
balletshoes wrote: »How do we know the OP's partner is a man?
It doesn't actually matter whether the partner is male or female.
Would anyone's advice change if the partner wasn't male? Women can be pains-in-the-backside just as much as men.0 -
How about a compromise. You agree to keep (e.g.) the kitchen and the living room up to his standards, and he agrees not to complain about the state of the rest of the house. And he agrees to stay out the kitchen when you're cooking as long as you agree to clean up after yourself when you're done.0
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