Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with

BigAunty

How would you deal with a partner who constantly critiques and changes everything in the house? There's no aggression.

For example, an offer to cook dinner (if accepted at all) will usually involve feedback about using the wrong type of oil, under or over seasoning, using the wrong type of pan or utensils and putting the food on the wrong type of plate while also perhaps choosing the wrong type of veg to go with it, plus a complaint about the mess left in the kitchen. Dishes are stirred, seasoning is added and there are usually strict instructions about what food types go with what spices and any deviation from it causes upset. Items put back in the fridge and cupboards are usually reshuffled.

Spring cleaning the house usually involves being advised what bits have been missed, what cleaning products should have been used instead and that the wrong scented candles or incense has been lit. Coasters, ornaments, fruitbowls and plants get moved back to their original places if they aren't in the same place. There is, for example, a specific place to store spare loo rolls and put bottles of toiletries because they always move to that spot when they are a foot or two away.

Shopping usually results in being told that the wrong items have been purchased or in the wrong quantities while items that were needed have not been remembered.

Each return to the house after work seems to involve some kind of inspection in the rooms to correct things that have been put in the wrong place and a critique of whether or not the daily tasks (like cat-feeding, emptying the cat tray, dish washer emptying, manual washing up, emptying the dishwasher and laundry) have been done as expected, and to the right standard. Bags, shoes and coats that are apparently out of place migrate back into the correct spot.

So any tips on dealing with this kind of interference, scrutiny and micro management?

nearlyrich

Sounds like hell to me I would do nothing and leave them to do everything to their unreachable standards for a week or two...

Violetta_2

I would start doing it worse to wind them up so much they decide to take over. Then go put my feet up with a nice cuppa.

Yolina

No idea, other than good luck! My mother has always nagged and nit-picked about pretty much everything, it drives me up the wall (and she's not getting any better with age). How her OH puts up with it is beyond me, he deserves a medal frankly :rotfl: but on the plus side for me, I now only get half the flack as I did before they met

kelpie35

If I were being criticised for the way I do things in the home, I would just leave it to be done by the person who thinks their way is perfect.

If that is not acceptable to them, I would just say accept the way things are done and SHUT UP.

Hope you can come to a compromise.

bouicca21

That level of criticism isn't a minor issue, it shows a basic lack of respect if not actual contempt. If you actually want to keep this partner, then it is sit down and have a discussion about why (s)he needs to be so belittling and why you resent it and/or follow kelpie35's advice and see just how perfectly these things can be done.

I think you also need to think hard about why you put up with this behaviour. It sounds like you need to work hard on self esteem issues.

ladymarmalade1970

Personally i would dump him. It must be horrible for you..

Flyonthewall

Sounds like they might have OCD. Everything has to be in an exact place, the right order and to a certain standard. They might just like being clean and organised but sounds like it could be more than that.

Perhaps if you're thinking of cooking you should suggest you cook together so they can make sure you use the right amount of seasoning, correct oils etc. Or they can deal with that while you're doing something else. Ask exactly what they want if you don't already know rather than saying "I'm going to make xxx meal" and possibly serving the wrong type of veg with it or whatever.

For cleaning, if you know where things go then just put them there.

For the shop, write a list of exactly what needs to be bought.

They may still find issues but it's just a case of doing your best to make sure certain issues don't happen as they can be easily avoided.

Mojoworking

Say do it yourself I'm not your servant . .. . Or f off depending on how much effort I'd put into cleaning !

splishsplash

It doesn't really sound like a partnership, more like a dictatorship. I feel sorry for anyone that's so wound up all the time, s/he can't be happy. S/He is trying to micromanage and thinks his/her way is the only right way and there's no way that will end well.

Obviously this runs deeper than housework and cooking... S/He sounds desperately unhappy and not dealing with it. The relationship is finished - s/he has already checked out.

BigAunty

Flyonthewall wrote: »

Sounds like they might have OCD. Everything has to be in an exact place, the right order and to a certain standard. They might just like being clean and organised but sounds like it could be more than that.

Our house isn't that clean, actually! We both don't really have much time or inclination for cleaning, work long hours, so it only usually gets a big spring clean when we have visitors with a bit of interim cleaning in between.

Partner is an expert in their field of Quality Assurance with such a strong CV and personal recommendations that they barely have to apply for jobs or attend interviews but get parachuted in by invitation. I wonder whether the traits that make a good QA - systematically uncovering inconsistencies and defects, make them fussy in the domestic sphere.

That said, I have professional qualifications and experience in Project Management and I don't draw up plans, budgets and risk logs for personal tasks...

Lights get switched off over my head and mug/coaster gets moved in front of me. The pouring of wine is strictly limited to half way up the glass which is apparently the optimum quantity for maximum breathing and the right type of glass must be used. I must ensure the screw cap is back on tight and wipe the neck of the bottle. If given a recipe to cook for guests, I must not deviate from it by using different ingredients or herbs than those listed. Also, I mustn't eat their cheese without permission as it's expensive and though they barely ever eat biscuits I must never finish a packet by myself but must leave some in the packet because its rude to eat the whole packet even over the course of a week (okay, I am a greedy snacker and can pretty much get through an entire packet of jaffas in one sitting).