Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with

BigAunty

Gigglepig wrote: »

are they just bossy and rude, or is it a coping strategy?

Never any raised voices, nothing that feels dictatorial, at most the occasional sigh or sign of exasperation.

There's almost a kind of enthusiasm to it as if its being helpful or it is the correct way to do things, with many things done without comment, such as moving items back into their proper place (including ones that I have occasionally deliberately moved out of curiosity to see how long it takes for it to be noticed - not long at all - and how many times in a row it will be moved back - always).

Tonight I was dissuaded from changing the hoover attachment to hoover the sofa as the one on the appliance already was definately the right one. A courteous explanation was given why it was the correct one and why I shouldn't change it.

meer53

This sounds like my idea of hell. Why are you together ? You're moaning about, it, the OH obviously doesn't like the way you do things, either speak up or ship out. That would be my strategy. The resentment will build up (on both sides) and destroy your relationship if you just accept it.

marisco_2

How much of who you are and what you do is criticised and controlled? You have given a few examples here but is this just the tip of the iceberg? When I read your OP what you described happening to you made my blood run cold. It is hard to be sure through tone and connotation in a written message but you seem almost resigned to this status quo and not overly alarmed by it.

BigAunty

I've had a few chats about being micro-managed but it never ended in any concessions. I got the impression that I am being educated in the right way to do things and should just accept it. A mention on my part of 'OCD' and 'being on the spectrum' was reacted to as if it was an insult though I probably wasn't particularly sensitive about it and it did just seem like a jibe.

In all other respects, a perfect relationship, a real keeper, someone who encourages my interests, employment, education, who issues many compliments, socially active, great humour, kind, articulate, fantastic lover, soul mate.

tattycath

Can you not both sit down, discuss the issues and come to some kind of compromise? ( that you can both try and stick to)

Flyonthewall

BigAunty wrote: »

A mention on my part of 'OCD' and 'being on the spectrum' was reacted to as if it was an insult though I probably wasn't particularly sensitive about it and it did just seem like a jibe.

Instead of mentioning what it could be it might be better to make them realise what they're doing and possibly come to that conclusion themselves. Suggesting that, especially if you didn't back it up with any points, may have been a bit of a shock to them and so was taken the wrong way.

missbiggles1

BigAunty wrote: »

I've had a few chats about being micro-managed but it never ended in any concessions. I got the impression that I am being educated in the right way to do things and should just accept it. A mention on my part of 'OCD' and 'being on the spectrum' was reacted to as if it was an insult though I probably wasn't particularly sensitive about it and it did just seem like a jibe.

In all other respects, a perfect relationship, a real keeper, someone who encourages my interests, employment, education, who issues many compliments, socially active, great humour, kind, articulate, fantastic lover, soul mate.

As everything else is so good, I'd just turn a deaf ear and learn to live with it. Nobody's perfect.:)

BigAunty

marisco wrote: »

How much of who you are and what you do is criticised and controlled? You have given a few examples here but is this just the tip of the iceberg?

Just continual corrections around the house, no other curtailment or restrictions.

It starts and ends only with polite interference about the way I do things in the house or forget to do things.

I have complete social and financial freedom, can go on holiday on my own, go where I like, wear what I like, buy what I like. I have absolutely no doubt that my email, texts and social media are 100% private, that my filing cabinet full of letters, bills and so forth is never rifled. If I kept a diary (I don't), I am 100% certain it would go unread. There's masses of respect and space, lots of encouragement when it comes to job applications and studying, for example.

On this forum we see horrendous examples of control and manipulation but this isn't it.

Just now I was pulled up jovially for leaving a damp mop on carpet. It's is true, I acknowledge it as a weakness, that I am untidy and messy.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

BigAunty wrote: »

How would you deal with a partner who constantly critiques and changes everything in the house? There's no aggression.

For example, an offer to cook dinner (if accepted at all) will usually involve feedback about using the wrong type of oil, under or over seasoning, using the wrong type of pan or utensils and putting the food on the wrong type of plate while also perhaps choosing the wrong type of veg to go with it, plus a complaint about the mess left in the kitchen. Dishes are stirred, seasoning is added and there are usually strict instructions about what food types go with what spices and any deviation from it causes upset. Items put back in the fridge and cupboards are usually reshuffled.

Spring cleaning the house usually involves being advised what bits have been missed, what cleaning products should have been used instead and that the wrong scented candles or incense has been lit. Coasters, ornaments, fruitbowls and plants get moved back to their original places if they aren't in the same place. There is, for example, a specific place to store spare loo rolls and put bottles of toiletries because they always move to that spot when they are a foot or two away.

Shopping usually results in being told that the wrong items have been purchased or in the wrong quantities while items that were needed have not been remembered.

Each return to the house after work seems to involve some kind of inspection in the rooms to correct things that have been put in the wrong place and a critique of whether or not the daily tasks (like cat-feeding, emptying the cat tray, dish washer emptying, manual washing up, emptying the dishwasher and laundry) have been done as expected, and to the right standard. Bags, shoes and coats that are apparently out of place migrate back into the correct spot.

So any tips on dealing with this kind of interference, scrutiny and micro management?

Don't cook. Don't clean. Do the shopping online, so they can check it before it's paid for (they'll spend so long taking things off an going for alternative items, they'll do it themselves afterwards). Feed the cats and clean the litter tray. Smile sweetly.

And take a lover.



I'm so happy that the OH is prepared to find himself jobs to do, I wouldn't dream of criticising anything. All I've done is ask nicely if he could leave the woolly stuff for me to deal with, as tumble drying a £50 cardigan has made it a little bit too small for me to wear again.

He has never criticised anything I've done. Except when I've got too tired and hurt myself or broken something. Then I've been told off.

Mind you, when he has complained about that, I have replied that if he's bored, I'm certainly not going to stop him from doing anything but I refuse to give a fully grown man a list of chores like a child. It's taken 6-8 months, but I haven't had to lift a finger without wanting to for the last eight weeks.



Life is too short to feel like you're on Inspection every time they walk in the door.

BigAunty

Flyonthewall wrote: »

Instead of mentioning what it could be it might be better to make them realise what they're doing and possibly come to that conclusion themselves. Suggesting that, especially if you didn't back it up with any points, may have been a bit of a shock to them and so was taken the wrong way.

I raised a challenge before saying something along the lines of 'since you came home an hour ago, you've raised x amount of issues with the way I've done things including x, y & z' but they are just amazed that I have an issue with it.

Very rarely, I've got angry and listed the interferences and why they've annoyed me but still haven't got through. I don't believe there will be any light bulb moment and a spontaneous awakening - remember we are in our late 40s so things are pretty fixed in terms of behaviour and habits.

I think someone earlier mentioned that I don't act particularly bothered about it. I am probably a bit passive about it, perhaps through nature as I let a lot of stuff go by, I'm a generally calm person, or perhaps because my resisting the interference meets with equal insistence so I may have got in the habit of not pushing back.

And its still a strong relationship in all other respects so it feels a tad ungrateful, particularly as there is always likely to be one person who is tidier and more organised than the other and I recognise that I am the 'messy' one.