Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with

pickledonionspaceraider

If it wasn't bothering you, you wouldn't be posting on here.

Why would you up with that, the ongoing criticism, he behaves like you are incompetent, like you aren't good enough for his high standards and expectations. Him criticising you in a ''cheery'' way is passive aggressive and he has no respect for you as an equal partner - he's the boss and you are the submissive.

The fact you are making excuses for him ''cheery'' criticism? and making statements like ''I've started to think perhaps I'm just a nightmare to live with'' shows your self esteem is suffering already

You have got more patience than me, if my OH moaned about a dinner i had cooked after I had been at work all day, he would be wearing it

bouicca21

!!!!!! - you think you need to change to meet his exacting standards? Why? Why shouldn't he adapt to you? Why do you have to compromise? Listen to the way you are running yourself down.

So you are untidy and messy. This is not a major crime and is not something to apologise for. It's just the way you are. He has to learn to live with it.

Your home isn't pristine. Who cares unless it's so dirty you are in danger of catching cholera. You have to eat a peck of dirt ...

BigAunty

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

If you know something specifically annoys him, why do you keep on doing it or not doing it as the case may be?

.

I have tried to interrogate myself about why I am sloppy and how to remedy it but haven't figured it out.

Changing the placement of the Aloe Vera plant on a daily basis was consciously provocative but it didn't lead to conflict - it was merely shuttled a few inches back and forward every day for weeks and now sits in the preferred spot, after the blind was adjusted so it didn't catch it.

Definitely, I do genuinely forgot to do house stuff that I ought to have remembered. I just get distracted. I should have much more of a routine for the basic stuff by now.

Sometimes I wonder whether part of me just expects to be pulled up for some deficiency or other regardless of my diligence and care so I am going to get it in the neck, albeit in a polite way, anyhow for something I haven't anticipated, so it doesn't matter if I miss out a task. That perhaps accounts for the odd missed activity.

Hopefully I am not passive aggressive - one of my mates was a real corker for sabotaging activities so they weren't given any responsibility - every part of the characteristic listed in Wikipedia described them to a tee - she was a total mare for things like punctuality, missing deadlines, forgetfulness (probably intentionally), blaming others, falling out with colleagues and so forth.

I'm actually quite efficient as an employee....

Gloomendoom

My way of dealing with it is just not to do anything that doesn't come up to standard.

BigAunty

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

If it wasn't bothering you, you wouldn't be posting on here.

I've always given out loads of advice on the forum so know I am going to get a diverse range of suggestions, even left field stuff I hadn't considered before, food for thought

Yes, someone earlier wrote about not being able to relax and I think that's a good way of outlining it, I feel a bit over-nudged, not nagged.

The cheeriness is genuine - being upbraided is delivered with sincere bonhomie and very rare exasperation, quickly forgotten. I don't think there's anything aggressive about it, though obviously you can only take my word for it. It's more that things are overly noticed. Perhaps nitpicking was the wrong phrase.

I wouldn't describe my self-esteem as being dented, just my relaxation punctured from time to time. I've had a few unsuccessful attempts at challenging the behaviour and don't want it to become a bigger issue, tackle it before resentment kicks in.

Errata

Are you living in his house?

BigAunty

Errata wrote: »

Did you jointly buy, or jointly rent, the property you live in?

That's the sort of question that we ask here of people in deteriorating relationships that may separate. All financial dealings are equitable and we are happy with them. Money doesn't figure in arguments. Joint stuff - no issues.

lostinrates

Reading this I realise I am a nit picker.

I kind of knew it tbh.

It was the coat moving that clued me in though.

Cannot you both reach some sort of compromise?

I really do feel as if I was not put on earth to tuck chairs in and throw other people's rubbish away. I wish other people in my household would so this.

I would prefer a bag in a hall to a dining room tbh, but can you agree a mutually acceptable ' bag home'? ( actually, my DH moves my handbag, and it annoys me, so I really understand this, he doesn't like me leaving it down stairs at night, I'd rather it were where I need it, and if some one is going to steal it, I would rather they don't come upstairs!

I also dislike overfilled wine glasses ( so much so I never used to have wine at the pub because I cannot stand those over full measuring glasses if you have paid for a decent bottle of wine....I don't drink ATM so its less of a problem) and things done in such away they need to be done again, simply because I see it as twice the effort and more
time when we could be doing something nicer

I really think though the only resolve is going to be communication about how YOU feel about this. This morning DH and I were doing some stuff together and I was doing it differently and was suggesting my way was better and he kissed me on the head and said, 'I'm sure it is. Race you'. I have no chance of beating him at anything even if my method is ten times more effective so his point was to leave him alone, but that he loved me nonetheless. It was made effectively and with the reminder I was loved. If a little patronisingly. :cool: but I can live with that. I was being patronising too.

NobodysChild

Oh dear, this reminds me of my sister.

She had a husband who constantly criticised everything she did; mostly in the house.

He would criticise the way she arranged things in the fridge, the way she arranged the stuff in the cupboard, (saying when he has a day off work, he will re-arrange the kitchen cupboards so they are done 'correctly.') He would berate her efforts in the garden; eg when she planted 30 bedding plants, he slated the way she had arranged them, he moaned about how she had arranged stuff in the garage, he re-arranged the curtains every time she closed them, he re-arranged the ornaments every time she dusted, he had something negative to say about every meal she cooked, he constantly harped on about how so-and-so's wife at work cooks from scratch all the time, and not just half the time like her. Also, he always moaned at her for putting stuff in the shopping trolley 'wrong.'

If she had a good idea about anything, he always poo-pooed it, she wrote stories and he never praised them, he always had something negative to say about them, he told her he hated her wearing trousers and jeans, and that she should wear skirts and dresses, he told her she looked better with no make up (my pet hate, men saying women look better with no make up!)

On top of this he constantly moaned about everything; his job, the car, the kids, her, and everyone was wrong but him. Everyone at work was wrong but him, and the place would not run without him.

She actually told him quite a few times that he was upsetting her and getting to her, and he was OK for a few days each time, and then went back to his old ways...

The brown stuff hit the fan, when she spent 6 hours doing a gravel and heather garden in the back, and he spent about 5 minutes berating her and criticising her efforts, and finding fault with her lovely garden.

It was at that point that she thought 'enough is enough,' and when he went to work the next day, she packed up 3 suitcases full of stuff and moved in with our parents, taking the two kids with her.

He was totally devastated but said her reasons for leaving were not valid. He simply didn't get how much he had got to her, and made herself esteem plummet, and how she was so upset at the thought of every last thing she did being criticized and berated and maligned.

She had put up with it for their 15 years of marriage. And she had been in tears so many times.

He begged and begged her to go back to him, and after a month, she did, but she said if all the negativity and moaning returns, she will leave again, and never go back to him.

This was 2 years ago. He has never criticised anything since, about her - or anything she does. In fact, he compliments her quite a bit now. Will he go back to his old self? Who knows? But she had to physically leave him for him to change.

And that proved that a person can change if they want to.

I wish the OP well, but a lifetime of this is soul destroying. He has to change, or you will be continue to be so unhappy.

chiefie

Don't rise to it. But if it continues deal with it head on. :mad: life is too short - it's usually people who feel inadequate in some way that find someone weaker to pick on or control. Don't put up with it for too long