Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with

Mojisola

BigAunty wrote: »

For example, an offer to cook dinner (if accepted at all) will usually involve feedback about using the wrong type of oil, under or over seasoning, using the wrong type of pan or utensils and putting the food on the wrong type of plate while also perhaps choosing the wrong type of veg to go with it, plus a complaint about the mess left in the kitchen.

I would say something like - I'll cook dinner tonight so off you go and do something else while I get on with it. If you start to criticise the way I am cooking, I will stop and you can take over.

Dishes are stirred, seasoning is added and there are usually strict instructions about what food types go with what spices and any deviation from it causes upset. Items put back in the fridge and cupboards are usually reshuffled.

Spring cleaning the house usually involves being advised what bits have been missed, what cleaning products should have been used instead and that the wrong scented candles or incense has been lit. Coasters, ornaments, fruitbowls and plants get moved back to their original places if they aren't in the same place. There is, for example, a specific place to store spare loo rolls and put bottles of toiletries because they always move to that spot when they are a foot or two away.

I'd do the same with the cleaning - the first intimation of my way being corrected and I'd down tools and leave him to get on with it.

I would also very clearly make him understand that his way is not always the only way to do things and that constant criticism is making me unhappy. I would also make a huge effort to keep on top of the things that I should be doing, especially the things that particularly upset him.

If he knows that his behaviour is making you unhappy and he doesn't change, that will say a lot about how he thinks of you.

jackomdj

This reminds me of my parents. Interestingly you said your house isn't clean, nor is there's. My Mum has certain things she has to have in a certain way, when my Dad cooks she hovers and touches things etc etc. I have done a lot of research and I genuinely think she is on the autistic spectrum (quite a way on it!)

She is not very good with people, she also doesn't see anything wrong with her behaviour and she fixates on things (she used to collect hedgehog ornaments and had hundreds, then one day away they all went and it was blue glass etc).

Have a look at one of the autism/aspergers web sites and see if your partner has lots if the other traits.

I know when my Dad read the link I sent him get said it made it not easier to live with, but more understandable as note of the "odd" behaviour is her trying to be horrible, she doesn't understand that it isn't nice.

If you check it out and it doesn't fit with your partner you haven't lost anything other than a bit of time.

toniq

I really thought this thread was about headlice and how to deal with them.

ciderwithrosie_2

Very quick response to criticism (cheerily implied or otherwise)...

'If you don't like the way I do something, you know what the answer is'

I've had to use it on the odd occasion when the OH has temporarily forgotten I'm his partner, not his housekeeper and that I also work full-time.

Callie22

carefullycautious wrote: »

:eek: That is the stuff nightmares are made of, it will get worse the older he gets and you will start to resent him.

I have to agree - just reading the OP's posts is making me feel anxious. I really couldn't stand to live like this, no matter how 'pleasantly' the criticisms were delivered. I'd be dreading getting older with a person like this, as retirement is just going to make it so much worse when s/he hasn't got work to distract them.

There's something really unbalanced about this relationship - before the OP posted about them both being in their 40s I was going to ask if they were significantly younger than their partner, as it smacks of someone who is 'older and wiser' trying to teach their younger partner how to behave. I would find it so patronising and demoralising to be treated like this - to me it's really sad that the OP seems to have had their confidence ground down to the point where they'd write that they must be 'a nightmare to live with' because they can't reach their partner's impossible standards.

splishsplash

Horses for courses. This thread is interesting, thanks OP. It seems you have decided to accept a submissive role and allow your OH to carry on with his/her behaviour. There's obviously a payoff there somewhere for both of you on some level.

I don't understand your choice, if I'm completely honest. I don't understand your use of words in earlier posts... you say 'I mustn't do this' and 'I mustn't do that'? I don't understand why you don't express the frustration you clearly feel. I know my reaction would be immediate to most of the corrections you seem to think are acceptable.

However, each to their own. It sounds miserable to me, but you clearly don't think as I do.

It reminds me of an incident I was witness to years ago while I was queuing in the supermarket. An elderly couple were in front of me and spent at least 10 minutes at the counter arguing with each other over a 25p postcard. She wanted it, he was arguing they didn't need it. TEN MINUTES this went on for. I was completely mesmerized, as was the sales assistant behind the counter. We just gazed disbelievingly at each other for the whole time. It was the weirdest feeling of time stopping and the four of us were suspended in this little bubble. I left the shop with a thumping headache and a vague desire to commit violent crime. I'm afraid I would feel the same after half an hour with your OH.

justme111

My guess is you not so long ago moved in together.
I loved the way lostinrates described she was given a message.
To people who say why should she feel she must not do this or that - life together is a compromise. Not "you don't like it ? - sod off " behaviour. When they are in love people don't mind compromise because they want to make each other happy. That's how it works. Would you say something to a partner who leaves cigarette butts all over your garden , dirty dishes out so that they dry off , marks on wc etc ? What would you think of that person if they told you "don't like it - sod off "?

carmina_piranha

Reading this thread has made me realise that my husband does things like putting my coat away for me, etc. because I am very messy and disorganised. But he does it without me noticing, and he doesn't criticise me. I think that's the problem with OPs husband, he is telling her what she is doing 'wrong' thinking that eventually the nagging will sink in and she will remember not to drop her bag and coat where she stands.

I couldn't bear to be criticised, even cheerily, constantly. It would feel like it wasn't simply a criticism of my actions, but of me as a person because I am so hopelessly disorganised.

But because you've put up with it OP and probably given him the impression that he is simply helping you, he's got into a pattern of having everything 'his' way. It sounds exhausting! Could you try telling him this, but in a way that isn't overly critical of him? It makes sense that your bag and coat should be out of the way where people won't trip over them, and the washing machine door should be left open - and telling him he's wrong to be annoyed about those things will put him on the defensive.

I am still giggling about the aloe vera 'chess' game though

pollypenny

Sounds like Op's partner does not leave his/ her job at work.

My OH also worked in QA, but he didn't dare instruct or organise me, neither did I talk to him and the kids as if they were my class in school.

OP admits that she is messy, so some effort needed there as well as a heartfelt talk if things are to move on in a happier way.

BTW: why use 'they' to refer to one partner? She knows the gender, surely.

meer53

My ex was exactly like to OP's. It was only after he'd had an affair and i kicked him out that i realised what a doormat i'd been for over 20 years.

When he left i wrote a list of all the things he used to say and do which made me feel like the OP does. I showed it to my sister in law and other very close friends. They all said the same thing, "why on earth did you put up with it ?" I said the same as the OP, i loved him, we never argued, he was my soul mate blah blah blah.

What an absolute load of tosh that was. It was like a lightbulb going on in my head, it wasn't me, it was him !!

Since he left, i've realised that he continually wore me down, i never saw it at the time, i just thought his standards were higher than mine and that he was right, that i was the untidy one in the house.

Well OP, all i can tell you is how i feel now, after over 20 years of being made to feel inferior, is that it's like being set free. I live life now as i like, not walking on eggshells every single day, not having to look at his face as he walked in the door to see what sort of mood he was in, not having to worry about whether things were done to his standards.

Both my children (they are now 28 and 15) saw what he did, even though it was subtle, they knew how he made me feel. They both agree now that life is much better now he isn't here. He's been gone for 13 years now, i have never been as happy as i am now. And i thought i had a happy marriage.

Someone has already mentioned that as you get older this will get worse, i agree. OP, you really need to do something about it or you will be miserable for a long long time. You deserve more than that, the longer you put up with it, the more resentful you will feel. Do you really want to live with that ?