Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with

justme111

On one hand I would go about it not in a way of pointing out whats wrong with him. I would have said i find it upsetting and disrespectful if things about what i done are criticised. Then leave the room or not engage in any conversation wherever it happens. He will get the message once it impacts negatively on his life. And try not to leave mops on a carpet as well . Cups in different place is one thing but mop on the carpet is indeed not needed and avoidable in my opinion , so on another hand I would review what he is unhappy with and what you can correct as it indeed can be very irritating for him as well. If he had just moves things silently and you don't mind where they are i would try to get them in his preferred place , no need to upset unnecessarily most loved person in your life.

Andypandyboy

Just tell him/her that you are fnding the constant nit picking unbearable. That if he/she feels you are not doing something correctly then you will cross it off your to do list and in future they can do it. Then stick to it.

Flyonthewall

BigAunty wrote: »

I raised a challenge before saying something along the lines of 'since you came home an hour ago, you've raised x amount of issues with the way I've done things including x, y & z' but they are just amazed that I have an issue with it.

Very rarely, I've got angry and listed the interferences and why they've annoyed me but still haven't got through. I don't believe there will be any light bulb moment and a spontaneous awakening - remember we are in our late 40s so things are pretty fixed in terms of behaviour and habits.

I think someone earlier mentioned that I don't act particularly bothered about it. I am probably a bit passive about it, perhaps through nature as I let a lot of stuff go by, I'm a generally calm person, or perhaps because my resisting the interference meets with equal insistence so I may have got in the habit of not pushing back.

And its still a strong relationship in all other respects so it feels a tad ungrateful, particularly as there is always likely to be one person who is tidier and more organised than the other and I recognise that I am the 'messy' one.

If you've always just accepted it, not made a big deal out of it and they're in the habit of doing things that way then it would come as a surprise and they perhaps don't fully believe you actually have an issue with it.

As I said in the first post, there are some things you could do to avoid certain issues. The rest, well it's up to you if you say/do anything. It's still possible for things to change but things will only change if you do something to make that happen.

BigAunty

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Life is too short to feel like you're on Inspection every time they walk in the door.

Yeah, I've made comments to the effect that I feel I'm under surveillance. Coming back from work reminds me in particular of the way our cat pads round the outskirts of each room, the way they check their territory for any changes.

I feel, to an extent, hyperviligent, upon my partner's return from work as that's the key point when my short comings, in terms of failing a checklist of having accomplished x/y/z daily duty or getting found out for making a mess without clearing it up.

Again, nothing aggressive or demanding, just a few quick 'did you remember to do this?' or a cheery 'I had to clear up x that you left out' or a breezy 'one of us has chipped this item'. However, these kinds of polite questions and observations or changing something I've done can happen a dozen plus times (or perhaps I imagine this).

For example, my coat on the back of the chair gets moved back onto the coat rack and my bag left in the hallway gets put back into the dining room, a query is raised about whether I may have fed the cats too much food, an item of shopping is glanced at and is found to be wanting in some way, it turns out I have closed the washing machine door which will make it stink again, have put the pegs back in the wrong cupboard and forgotten to get an item out of the garage as requested, I am responsible for a spill on the cooker which I haven't cleaned up and can I remember not to put my lunch bag on the kitchen surface as it's not hygienic, did I notice I put a couple of mugs in the dishwasher that aren't dishwasher safe again,etc.

Guilty as charged - I have actually committed these offences against domestic perfection. I've started to think perhaps I'm just a nightmare to live with. I did feel sorry for the Aloe Vera plant that was subjected to a long game of chess and never stayed in the same place twice.

carefullycautious

BigAunty wrote: »

Yeah, I've made comments to the effect that I feel I'm under surveillance. Coming back from work reminds me in particular of the way our cat pads round the outskirts of each room, the way they check their territory for any changes.

I feel, to an extent, hyperviligent, upon my partner's return from work as that's the key point when my short comings, in terms of failing a checklist of having accomplished x/y/z daily duty or getting found out for making a mess without clearing it up.

Again, nothing aggressive or demanding, just a few quick 'did you remember to do this?' or a cheery 'I had to clear up x that you left out' or a breezy 'one of us has chipped this item'. However, these kinds of polite questions and observations or changing something I've done can happen a dozen plus times (or perhaps I imagine this).

For example, my coat on the back of the chair gets moved back onto the coat rack and my bag left in the hallway gets put back into the dining room, a query is raised about whether I may have fed the cats too much food, an item of shopping is glanced at and is found to be wanting in some way, it turns out I have closed the washing machine door which will make it stink again, have put the pegs back in the wrong cupboard and forgotten to get an item out of the garage as requested, I am responsible for a spill on the cooker which I haven't cleaned up and can I remember not to put my lunch bag on the kitchen surface as it's not hygienic, did I notice I put a couple of mugs in the dishwasher that aren't dishwasher safe again,etc.

Guilty as charged - I have actually committed these offences against domestic perfection. I've started to think perhaps I'm just a nightmare to live with. I did feel sorry for the Aloe Vera plant that was subjected to a long game of chess and never stayed in the same place twice.

:eek: That is the stuff nightmares are made of, it will get worse the older he gets and you will start to resent him. If you really love this guy maybe separate homes would work

*max*

You must have the patience of a saint, because that constant criticism, even said in a "cheery" way as you put it, would have driven me round the bend a long time ago. Awful way to live.

BigAunty

I am, indeed by natural temperament and by intention, a calm, tolerant and patient person who strives to be grateful for what I have (though this thread perhaps contradicts this). I try to practice meditation and mindfulness which I do feel expands my compassion and makes me more emotionally balanced but the Dalai Lama, I aint.

Things I am going to do
1. Have a polite chat
2. Try to be more considerate

Things I am not going to do
1. Leave
2. Take a lover - there are upsides to someone being thorough, you know....
3. Live in a separate property

Georgiegirl256

BigAunty wrote: »

Both in full time employment. Hands up, I am untidy around the house and do forget to do things like the litter tray or empty the dishwasher (who ever gets home first does this type of daily activity). I don't forget to feed the cats because cats have ways of insisting....

BigAunty wrote: »

Just now I was pulled up jovially for leaving a damp mop on carpet. It's is true, I acknowledge it as a weakness, that I am untidy and messy.

Having a person nag at you and continually nit pick is miserable. It's not a good way to live. However....

Maybe if you weren't so messy and untidy in the first place, then things wouldn't be as bad? Having to live with someone who is messy and who continues to do the same things again and again isn't a good way to live either.

If you know something specifically annoys him, why do you keep on doing it or not doing it as the case may be?

I mean, how can you forget to change the cat litter tray? Surely it'll stink when you arrive back home? If it's an agreement that whoever a home first will do it, then do it! Also, a wet mop on a carpet? :eek:

He does sound abit excessive though, and very house proud too. Hopefully you can find a way to meet in the middle.

Kaye1

I don't have any useful advice but I know that I would never be able to truly relax if I was constantly under surveillance.


It does sound very OCD and very exhausting. All the best.

Errata

Did you jointly buy, or jointly rent, the property you live in?