Arrangements for Children - Help please!

tea_lover

Duchy, you seem to think only the wife adopted and it doesn't matter if he loses contact with his son. He is this boy's parent every bit as much as she is.

duchy

If every time an older sibling felt sidelined when a younger sibling arrived the marriage colapsed there would be an awful lot more broken families. Time is usually the solution - but it appears from the time the child arrived until the time the OP left the marital home (not the time he "left" his wife which was a couple of months earlier) was six months so it doesn't appear much time was given to this - 3 or 4 months at most.

FBaby

I'm not sure how you can have a great relationship with a child you chose to leave and see for a total of 3 hours a week at most.

My mum had an affair when I was a little over 1 year old and separated from my dad before my 2nd birthday. I was a child very much wanted by both. Inevitably, the first months of the separation were difficult and I didn't see a lot of my dad during that time (even story that he had to come and get me when my mum took me abroad!). Yet somehow I did manage to build a very strong relationship with him. Things calmed down after a while and all I remember, from the age of 5 or so is looking forward to my week-ends with my dad.

I was very close to him as a child and still am as an adult, so yes, I do think it is possible.

OP, just hang on. Your ex is probably still grieving the loss of the man she loved and the family life she craved. She is hurt and that pain is affecting her decision. She is holding on to her dear son and probably being over-protected. She deserves you to at least respect why she would feel this way. It doesn't take away your rights as a father, but it might mean you might to have to be even more patient than you have been. Keep up building your relationship with your son and it will pay off eventually.

duchy

tea_lover wrote: »

Duchy, you seem to think only the wife adopted and it doesn't matter if he loses contact with his son. He is this boy's parent every bit as much as she is.

No I just feel 6 months is a bit short - I feel he is a parent morally and has let the child down.

I'm just amazed social services haven't got involved to mediate for access

verysillyguy06

Have you gotten proper legal advice? You need to go to court and represent yourself...they maybe some support from Social Care but it depends when you adopted because it is really otherwise like any 'Private Law breakdown' and needs legal advice

pleasedelete

have you legally completed the adoption?

Heffi1

duchy wrote: »

No I just feel 6 months is a bit short - I feel he is a parent morally and has let the child down.

I'm just amazed social services haven't got involved to mediate for access

You told the OP off for referring to himself all the time, no one in this scenario really cares what you think!

Sinhanada wrote: »

I've been trying since February to get proper access to him of more than just 2 hours on a Sunday morning and perhaps 1 during the week if I'm lucky. I have repeatedly asked (And yes I have stayed very calm through this!) to have more time but each time get told he’s not settled or there’s something else on.

See he is trying to get to see his son, he has not abandoned him as you suggest.

I’ve also tried the mediation route and am awaiting for her to return the forms - which I don’t think she’s done yet (Almost four weeks now).
He is trying to work things out for the benefit of everyone not just himself.

I do realise it is hard for her, but I do believe that she is deliberately being obstinate in her approach to me and my access rights to my son.


Again see here where he ran away and is not wanting to access his son!

I guess what I’m asking is does anyone have experience of this? What the next steps might be? Also any advice on what I should be doing? I will add that yes I am paying maintenance for my son and making sure that is paid each month!

Clearly you do not have any experience of this sort of thing or you might be able to show a little compassion and understanding, or is it because it is not a battered wife asking for help.

verysillyguy06 wrote: »

Have you gotten proper legal advice? You need to go to court and represent yourself...they maybe some support from Social Care but it depends when you adopted because it is really otherwise like any 'Private Law breakdown' and needs legal advice

This is probably very good advice.

duchy

Heffi1 wrote: »

Clearly you do not have any experience of this sort of thing or you might be able to show a little compassion and understanding, or is it because it is not a battered wife asking for help.



.

You've missed the point entirely

He left two months ago - He may have "left" his wife earlier than that but as far as the child is concerned it is only eight weeks.

In many marriage break ups access is scant at the beginning whilst people readjust -and in this case it's not just that he left his wife and already has someone else - but his wife probably feels he let down the child even more so . The adoption process isn't an easy one , it is long winded and intrusive and puts its own strain on the marriage.
Many men feel when a baby arrives (bio or adopted) that their wife gives all their attention to the baby and the home revolves entirely around the child -and feel a bit neglected - The OP clearly feels that and feels his daughter's nose was put out of joint too- and she is his daughter - the blended family is always trickier.

Instead of demanding his legal rights to access he needs to try to see that this is a period of adjustment. I asked if he has spoken to the adoption social workers - which we don't know. They will want what is best for the child. Ideal world that will be two parents even if apart and they are best placed to mediate for access. If he goes to court for access now the short time he stayed in the marriage after the child's arrival (four months or six depending on if you use his definition or the physical leaving) will go against him as it is about the child's needs not his. He needs to show commitment - and also think about giving his wife time to adjust -and to see that he is still committed to the child even if he is not committed to her anymore. Threatening court won't do that - especially when things are still so new and raw. Rebuilding access gradually and consistently . She probably feels very let down and it will take time for her to see he can be a good father still -but time and patience will do that far more effectively than forcing it through court. He has another sixteen years of joint parenting with her -he wants her on side not forced by a court to deal with him ideally.

I said it isn't about him - and i stand by that - the primary concern of a court - or a social worker is the child -and if he wants to have the relationship he desires with the child he needs to show that . My view *is* harsh but it was to show him what will get thrown at him - and at this point he has little defence as he left so soon so needs to play a longer game. At the moment he gives the impression of a man who gave up on the child after a few months - he needs to counter that with action to show that he is going to stick around as a NRP and wants a relationship wit his son and that his daughter has one too.

His first stop shouldn't be the solicitors it should be the adoption social workers who are best placed to sort out this mess. The ones I've met are fantastic - they understand adoption is hard on family dynamics and will help.

It's only two months in- these things take time.

FBaby's post illustrates what I'm talking about .

Sinhanada

duchy wrote: »

If every time an older sibling felt sidelined when a younger sibling arrived the marriage colapsed there would be an awful lot more broken families. Time is usually the solution - but it appears from the time the child arrived until the time the OP left the marital home (not the time he "left" his wife which was a couple of months earlier) was six months so it doesn't appear much time was given to this - 3 or 4 months at most.

Hi Duchy

Thank you for your comments and I am sorry that you see me in such a negative light. I have deliberately not posted the reasons for the break up of our marriage as I did not think this was relevant.

Just to clarify some things for you. I did try to save the marriage on many occasion but this was not to be. I took my daughter away from a situation which was not the best for her. She loves her brother and would do anything to help and fit in. The split happened around six months into the adoption, a process we had undergone as a family for 3 years. We co-habited until I could afford to rent a new place and I slept on the couch for a further three months. Two months later I moved on and moved out. I would have taken both children had I been able to, but we both felt that our Son would be better off staying with his Mum as she was still on maternity leave.

To everyone else, thank you for your support and also your comments. I understand and will be the first to hold my hand up to say that I regret not being able to save things and give our Son and Daughter the stable home they both deserve and need. I want to continue to be a part of his life and will continue to fight for access. I am not trying to set things up immediately but have the time to spend with him. Yes I have a great relationship with my Son. How do I know this? By the way his eyes light up and he shrieks in delight when he sees me. The way that I am able to comfort him if he hurts himself, by the way I can settle him to sleep when he wants to nap. By the way that he constantly wants to be around me if I’m near him. These things to me indicate that he has a bond with me. From myside it’s the way that I can make him laugh, the way he makes feel and I love him to pieces. This is an incredibly hard period not just in my life, but in his and my daughters and I suppose to my wife. We are all adjusting and I am trying to make the best out of a bad situation for everyone’s sanity and security.

What I am asking for still, is has anyone had experience of this – of the court process? If we leave the adoption out of this, but how have other people found setting up regular access?

Sinhanada

duchy wrote: »

You've missed the point entirely

He left two months ago - He may have "left" his wife earlier than that but as far as the child is concerned it is only eight weeks.

In many marriage break ups access is scant at the beginning whilst people readjust -and in this case it's not just that he left his wife and already has someone else - but his wife probably feels he let down the child even more so . The adoption process isn't an easy one , it is long winded and intrusive and puts its own strain on the marriage.
Many men feel when a baby arrives (bio or adopted) that their wife gives all their attention to the baby and the home revolves entirely around the child -and feel a bit neglected - The OP clearly feels that and feels his daughter's nose was put out of joint too- and she is his daughter - the blended family is always trickier.

Instead of demanding his legal rights to access he needs to try to see that this is a period of adjustment. I asked if he has spoken to the adoption social workers - which we don't know. They will want what is best for the child. Ideal world that will be two parents even if apart and they are best placed to mediate for access. If he goes to court for access now the short time he stayed in the marriage after the child's arrival (four months or six depending on if you use his definition or the physical leaving) will go against him as it is about the child's needs not his. He needs to show commitment - and also think about giving his wife time to adjust -and to see that he is still committed to the child even if he is not committed to her anymore. Threatening court won't do that - especially when things are still so new and raw. Rebuilding access gradually and consistently . She probably feels very let down and it will take time for her to see he can be a good father still -but time and patience will do that far more effectively than forcing it through court. He has another sixteen years of joint parenting with her -he wants her on side not forced by a court to deal with him ideally.

I said it isn't about him - and i stand by that - the primary concern of a court - or a social worker is the child -and if he wants to have the relationship he desires with the child he needs to show that . My view *is* harsh but it was to show him what will get thrown at him - and at this point he has little defence as he left so soon so needs to play a longer game. At the moment he gives the impression of a man who gave up on the child after a few months - he needs to counter that with action to show that he is going to stick around as a NRP and wants a relationship wit his son and that his daughter has one too.

His first stop shouldn't be the solicitors it should be the adoption social workers who are best placed to sort out this mess. The ones I've met are fantastic - they understand adoption is hard on family dynamics and will help.

It's only two months in- these things take time.

FBaby's post illustrates what I'm talking about .

Ok, now you make more sense. I did leave my wife earlier and yes it is only eight weeks or so when I left after we had split. It has now been three months since I have been out of the house and I have seen him just under 12 times since then. This is not from lack of trying. As I was around for a considerably longer period when my daughter was born I understand that there is a big period of adjustment and was prepared for this. The complete lack of regard for my daughter emotional well being was the final straw for me and the reason I took an incredibly difficult decision to leave. It was definitely not the fact that my daughter’s “nose was put out of joint” as you have so delicately put. My life revolves around my children and I will do anything for them. That will not change.

I have been trying to see that this is a period of adjustment but if anything the restrictions on my access to him are being severely restricted and any time I try to mention this I am being stone walled and billed as unreasonable. I have started going back to Church on Sunday mornings which is something I did before I met my wife. This is the time that I am granted for seeing my Son. I am sorry if you feel that this is unreasonable behaviour by me.

I have not spoken to the social workers and they no longer have any involvement due to him not being a looked after child. I also want what is best for him and will continue to do so. I have asked for mediation and I know that she has received the forms. I do not know if she has returned them.

I do not see how my leaving will go against me. There is much more to this story which I have not told you but I can honestly say that everything I have done has been to support both him and my wife. I am showing commitment by trying to keep up contact with him, by continuing to make as much time as possible as I can for him. Other than that I am unsure what you mean about commitment. I have spoken and said that if we cannot resolve this amicably with a plan which is in all parties best interests then I will have no option but to seek legal advice and go through the courts. I do want her on my side and I do not want to go through the courts but I am at a complete loss now as to what to do next.

I also agree that this isn’t about me. There are two children here. My son and my daughter are involved and they are not able to have this relationship either. It feels very much from both of our sides (And I have not and never will speak ill of either my daughter’s mother or my wife) that my wife is creating an atmosphere of only her and our son against us.

I had not considered the social workers as like I have just mentioned above – they are not part of his life anymore and have not been since December last year.