Arrangements for Children - Help please!

Mojisola

Sinhanada wrote: »

Jagraf - I have a Sunday morning between 9:30 - 13:30 or until he's tired. He's not allowed to sleep at mine even though he has his own room and cot. Right now he gets tired about 11:00/30 so I get up to two hours if I'm lucky before i have to take him back

One parent can't make rules like this for the other parent to follow but I can understand you're trying to stay on her good side at the moment.

Sinhanada

Thank you everyone for the comments, I thought I'd add in an update as to what has been happening.

I picked him up again on Sunday and took him back to mine (which was a lovely Sunday morning spent) and took him back at his agreed time (12:30). We had a little disagreement again this time due to me not picking him up on time (between 9:30 - 10:00 and I arrived at 9:45). Again I bit my tongue and left without rising although inside I was seething.

I'm now due to pick him up again this evening at 5 and will see him for an hour and give him his tea.

Yes these are small steps but I'm determined to make sure I spend as much time as I'm allowed with him and not give rise to any of the arguments that are starting.

She has even agreed to mediation and has her first consultation at the end of this month. I always thought that the mediation was a joint process? This is so that "apparently can assess her individually to see if mediation is something that will work for our situation." I'm still unsure, but I am looking forward to hopefully resolving this and putting in a firm plan of action on how visitation, access and custody will work.

Even through all of this though, my daughter who lives with me is still being caught in the middle and is expected to drop everything she is doing to go to the ex. I've told her that what she does is her choice and that she should not feel caught in the middle. If she wants to go and visit, or do things with the ex then I have absolutely no objection.

duchy

Small steps -it's all good and as said before it takes time.

However DON'T be "late" -be early . As a single Mum I remember the frustration of having to kick my heels waiting for my ex husband to show up -and the unspoken message was "You can wait for me to arrive -the things you want to get on with aren't as important as me" . No point in undoing the good stuff with something avoidable like punctuality. You are showing her you value the time with your son - demonstrate that by making sure you get the maximum time not rolling up a little later so you have less time.

Mojisola

Sinhanada wrote: »

We had a little disagreement again this time due to me not picking him up on time (between 9:30 - 10:00 and I arrived at 9:45).

duchy wrote: »

However DON'T be "late" -be early.

How is arriving at 9.45 late when the arrangement is for between 9.30 and 10?

Personally, when so little time is being allowed at the moment, I would be on the doorstep at 9.30 but it sounds as if she's just having a dig because there wasn't a genuine reason to have a go at him.

Guest101

duchy wrote: »

Small steps -it's all good and as said before it takes time.

However DON'T be "late" -be early . As a single Mum I remember the frustration of having to kick my heels waiting for my ex husband to show up -and the unspoken message was "You can wait for me to arrive -the things you want to get on with aren't as important as me" . No point in undoing the good stuff with something avoidable like punctuality. You are showing her you value the time with your son - demonstrate that by making sure you get the maximum time not rolling up a little later so you have less time.

He wasnt late. - though i suspect you would have to actually comprehend what was written to get to that conclusion.

I'll break it down for you:

Scheduled pick up BETWEEN 9:30 & 10:00 so that is:
9:30, 9:31, 9:32, 9:33, 9:34, 9:35, 9:36........ I hope you get the picture.

Guest101

Sinhanada wrote: »

Thank you everyone for the comments, I thought I'd add in an update as to what has been happening.

I picked him up again on Sunday and took him back to mine (which was a lovely Sunday morning spent) and took him back at his agreed time (12:30). We had a little disagreement again this time due to me not picking him up on time (between 9:30 - 10:00 and I arrived at 9:45). Again I bit my tongue and left without rising although inside I was seething.

I'm now due to pick him up again this evening at 5 and will see him for an hour and give him his tea.

Yes these are small steps but I'm determined to make sure I spend as much time as I'm allowed with him and not give rise to any of the arguments that are starting.

She has even agreed to mediation and has her first consultation at the end of this month. I always thought that the mediation was a joint process? This is so that "apparently can assess her individually to see if mediation is something that will work for our situation." I'm still unsure, but I am looking forward to hopefully resolving this and putting in a firm plan of action on how visitation, access and custody will work.

Even through all of this though, my daughter who lives with me is still being caught in the middle and is expected to drop everything she is doing to go to the ex. I've told her that what she does is her choice and that she should not feel caught in the middle. If she wants to go and visit, or do things with the ex then I have absolutely no objection.

That's normal for mediation. - though a bit of a wait.

They should've had a consultation with you too, but perhaps they do the 'adverse' party first.

It's basically 30 minutes: are you entitled to legal aid? do you understand what mediation is? etc

Then it is a joint process.

FBaby

Guest101 wrote: »

He wasnt late. - though i suspect you would have to actually comprehend what was written to get to that conclusion.

I'll break it down for you:

Scheduled pick up BETWEEN 9:30 & 10:00 so that is:
9:30, 9:31, 9:32, 9:33, 9:34, 9:35, 9:36........ I hope you get the picture.

I think Duchy got that, hence the '' around late. I understand what they meant to say, ie. show up as early as you can.

Saying that, what's the point of giving a timeframe if you then get !!!!ed off because they didn't come the first minute of that timeframe.

I suspect as often some misunderstanding that went something like 'you can come at 10am. Well actually, no you can come earlier, at 9:30' and OP interpreted in between.

I think when relationships are particular tense, clear communication is especially essential.

dirty_magic

I can't help but wonder if people would still say calm down and let things lie for a bit if the OP was a mother and the father had custody.

He should be able to see his son! Obviously it would have been better if they hadn't split up, but it's too late to do anything about that now and it's better for the child not to grow up thinking constant arguments are normal.

I think men get such a rough deal sometimes, it must be so difficult to go from living with your child to only seeing them once in the week and every other weekend.

Sinhanada

Yes I did think that going at exactly the middle time would have probably been best - however again hindsight is a lovely thing!

I had a lovely email asking if I'd have him last night for his supper which I did and loved every minute of it. The only problem was I had to drop my cricket match (My team mates understand luckily), but it was worth it. Now a big part of me wonders if last night was a deliberate choice by the ex knowing that it would mean I couldn't play?

Thank you all for the response again - I really do appreciate seeing a different side as I do tend to get blinkered and focus on a solution to a problem rather than trying to see the other persons point of view.

Dirty Magic, you're right - we do tend to get a bad deal but then again there are a lot of men who just walk away and don't want to know (I am generalising here!) so I guess that's where it comes from.

As for the timing's well I will make sure I'm there on the dot to pick him up.

As for the mediation - no I'm not entitled to Legal Aid, but again it is something worth paying for (I'm hoping this is credit card friendly - then a balance transfer at the end! lol). I did make the initial contact and this is the first type of response I've heard - I would have thought that they would have phoned me or written to me to let me know that contact had been made back? I'm hoping that the mediation helps - and I have kept a diary and copies of all correspondence between ourselves thanks to some advice from here!

purpleshoes_2

I think your ex may be hurting that you've met someone else already and is using your child to try and hurt you.

She's probably hurting a lot herself. Not saying it's right, just an observation.