Arrangements for Children - Help please!

Sinhanada

And the updates continue:

I received and email today from my ex to say that I couldn't pick up my Son on Sunday as planned as she's going away for the weekend with him. There is a party planned for that afternoon with one of her friends daughters (Which my daughter has been invited to) and she's told me that she will pick up my daughter and take her there when she goes (She plans to be back just in time for this party at 3PM instead of slightly earlier to give me time with my son?!).

Well, after the solicitor letter has told me no access during the week, and now losing the access this Sunday it's starting to feel completely hopeless...I don't think mediation is going to help in the slightest either :-(

I have now replied to her solicitor and advised that I will represent myself (I certainly cannot afford a solicitor) and I have rejected all of their proposals. I've made amendments to them and offered these so will wait to see what they say. I've also stated that I had hoped mediation would be a first point of call rather than straight into the legal process...

Anyway, excuse my whining and thanks for reading!

FBaby

Did you try to ask if you could have him on Saturday instead? She is clearly being difficult, her only way to control your life the way she feels you have made decisions that controls her. It is wrong, but hurt will make people do painful things. However, you don't seem to be trying that hard to negotiate with her.

If I were you, I would say that you think you understand why she thinks that week access might not be best (because it disturbs his evening routine maybe?), but in that case, would she be agreeable to extend the time you have him on sunday so you pick him up before his nap (especially if he has one around lunch time). If she has something planned on the Sunday afternoon exceptionally, would she agree for you to have him on the Saturday.

You are much much more likely to get where you want to be in terms of contact with your son if you try to negotiate with her so that you appeal to the burried part of her that is fair and reasonable, rather than giving her even more reasons to challenge you and make sure you don't get your way any more.

sheramber

FBaby wrote: »

Did you try to ask if you could have him on Saturday instead? She is clearly being difficult, her only way to control your life the way she feels you have made decisions that controls her. It is wrong, but hurt will make people do painful things. However, you don't seem to be trying that hard to negotiate with her.

If I were you, I would say that you think you understand why she thinks that week access might not be best (because it disturbs his evening routine maybe?), but in that case, would she be agreeable to extend the time you have him on sunday so you pick him up before his nap (especially if he has one around lunch time). If she has something planned on the Sunday afternoon exceptionally, would she agree for you to have him on the Saturday.

You are much much more likely to get where you want to be in terms of contact with your son if you try to negotiate with her so that you appeal to the burried part of her that is fair and reasonable, rather than giving her even more reasons to challenge you and make sure you don't get your way any more.

OP stated that ex was going away for weekend so Saturday would not be available either.

justme111

dirty_magic wrote: »

I can't help but wonder if people would still say calm down and let things lie for a bit if the OP was a mother and the father had custody.

we would probably prod to find out what is so badly wrong with that woman that she did not get custody and be very suspicious of her answers so she would get hard time as well.

Op , looks like a lot of reading on family law for you then. Judging from jack,s thread solicitors can be very useless so you may not be at disadvantage in doing it yourself.

Keep communication calm and non confrontational, i would not go into a strop for one weekend away . Agreed that all together it does not look good (no weekdays , cricket match , solicitors ..). Good luck as no worse than dealing with scorned woman..
Mind, we know the situation only from your words so may be off the mark. We do not know her reasons and you don't write anything about you asking her for them. Besides it strikes me as very odd that you met someone wonderful just weeks after what would been very painful separation. .
The last observation - you rejecting "all" their proposals sounds incredibly confrontational. I am sure you agree that son lives most time with her and that you will have certain times/days with him. It's just that those times/days should not be determined by ex but discussed and for that reason you suggest that ... would sound far better

Philis_Burrell

duchy wrote: »

If I was your wife and we'd gone through the long process of adoption for you to leave I don't think I'd be very helpful towards you either TBH.

Agree to your words.

Sinhanada

Update:

I replied to her email asking if I was allowed to know where they are going for a weekend and it happens that she's going to visit my best man for the weekend. I was surprised at this as I know he smokes in his house and that was one of the objections for my Son to come and visit me (I insist that everyone, including me smokes outside in my house)...as for going to visit my best man? Well I know they've been friends for a very long time and if there is anything going on between them I wish them both well.

Thank you for the reply too Justme. Yes meeting someone so soon after leaving does seem to be quick - I didn't expect to meet someone like that but it happened.

Thank you as well for advising to be non confrontational - I think I was trying to hard to put my point across to the solicitors and to hopefully get them to realise I am not going be a pushover on this. Family Law is defintely something I need to read up a lot more on...I'm guessing watching Law and Order is not going to help me here!

duchy

I think there is a line between not playing the pushover and not inflaming the situation when she's still very angry with you. If she *is* forming a new relationship too then it might help defuse her anger and hurt that you not only left her and your son but also that you are involved with someone else so quickly (in all honesty I think it is very hard to buy that you weren't involved with your new relationship before you left(physically ) and that isn't helping as to her you moved on "too quickly" for someone who was genuinely committed to her and the family you created together. I'd be royally peed off with you too- and would feel let down. In each others heads you both feel the other renaged on the deal and the danger is with a divorce so soon that it turns into a legal battle with no one but solicitors winning as you are both so angry.

Mediation still needs to go ahead and the sooner the better to stop things festering further .

You both care for both of the children - and your daughter it seems still wants to see your wife. Could you demonstrate to your wife that you still see that relationship as important by organizing something for the two of them to do together - a show and dinner or a spa day or whatever they both like to give them time together because their relationship has taken a hit too. She probably thinks it's all about you as in you chose to leave, you took your daughter away when they had a relationship and this might help her acknowledge that you aren't the monster she has built you up to be in her head (which is a natural defense mechanism when someone hurts us ). Reminding her you are still the good guy she married even though the marriage has ended can't hurt and might help her get some proportion back and as she can't stay angry indefinitely (it's too exhausting) those good gestures will eventually pay off in the long run - and it's the long run that is important as you will both be parents for a long time so setting the tone now and not completely alienating each other whilst it is still raw on both sides is important.

I was very angry with my husband when we split -and as he later admitted -rightly so. He kept on working at the good Dad stuff and much as I didn't want to as I was still angry and hurt with him I had to give him credit for that. He's basically a good guy but is a rubbish husband -(and his subsequent partners would agree with that ) I wanted to see everything in black and white when we split -and it certainly took longer than three or four months before I could (or wanted to) see the greys as I needed to be sad and angry for a while . When a marriage ends just like a death there are stages -disbelief, anger and then acceptance - but because you left the marriage emotionally earlier than your wife you aren't currently at the same stage -Knowing that can stop you from feeding her anger and making a difficult situation worse.

No doubt a certain poster will accuse me of bitterness again but they are missing the point as they are clearly still bitter themselves - and I do believe that understanding that people at different stages if they can acknowledge those stages need to be worked through (and people process at different speeds) can make a big difference in the long run in getting past this stage and moving on to cooperative parenting which is the end goal after all.

Sinhanada

Thank you Duchy

You're right again - there is an awful lot of anger directed towards me - and I can honestly say that some of it is justified. I'm hoping she does find a new relationship soon and I think that would be very good for her. I don't want to see her hurt anymore than I already have done.

Again I will say that I did not join Match.com until after I'd moved out, and did not meet anyone before I left her...I know that it would be difficult for her to believe that (And if I was in her position I can honestly say I'd feel the same), but it is true - and one that can be backed up by membership details etc (I am keeping records of everything that has happened since moving out).

My daughter is now starting to not want to go to my ex's house...she feels it's unfair that her brother can't come round to our house often enough. I'm not happy with that either and keep telling her that she should not be in the middle, or taking sides. We (ex and I) both love her very much and if she has the ability to bond with her brother then she should be doing this...it's a hard situation for all of us, but hopefully it will work out eventually. I can't book them anywhere to go together as what would the son do during this time? The wife won't let me have him for much longer than I currently have.

I am hoping that mediation will help her understand that I am not trying to be difficult and only want what is best for our Son and my daughter. I'm still concerned that she has started divorce proceedings (And adding contact details for our son) before even attending her first mediation session. From what I have studied so far, this is something that the courts do not take lightly.

As for how I'm feeling, my first instinct is to go for sole custody but I know that is only spite talking...all I want is proper contact arrangements so that I am able to have him overnight, and for weekends so that we can really strengthen the bond that is building

Sinhanada

Philis_Burrell wrote: »

Agree to your words.

Hi Philis

The problems started long before this and it is an equal mix between the two of us...however we feel though, we need to put the children first. That is what I am trying to do

fivetide

Philis_Burrell wrote: »

Agree to your words.

No matter what the ex's issue with the OP is it is not the child's fault and as such they shouldn't be placed in this situation.


This isn't 'not being helpful' it is wilfully vindictive and yes it hurts the OP which is presumably the point but it also affects a child who has already had to leave one home and really doesn't need this.