Arrangements for Children - Help please!

justme111

Op
I believe you when you say you are trying not to be confrontational. The thing is u FEEL confronational. And it seeps through . You have an oprion either to lay low and pray your ex will find someone sooner rather than later (which in my guess is not going to happen as she is clearly more traumarised than you by the split and her life revolves arounf the child , it will take a long time to her to be relationship marerial) or make your point and argue with her and lawyers about how many hours you can have a child. You chosen second option. I doubt it will be in overall benefit as even if you win the animosity of a battle will poison and hinder the relationship amongst all of you. I know it feels not fair , it is the way it is . Thats why we are banging on about how your ex feels -so that you don't feel the desire you do at present to make it "fair". It may well be pyrrhic victory.
Re new relationship and you just meeting someone great. If you were grieving your marriage you would not been receptive to the greatest woman on earth. Have you thought why most recently split people keep new relationships hidden ? Precisely to avoid grief that you are getting now.

duchy

Oh dear- I'd suggest you don't tell her you went actively looking for a new partner on the internet shortly after splitting- to her mind it'll say "He went looking for a "replacement" without waiting a decent time" even if it was after you left the marital home you didn't exactly hang around! Don't add fuel ! It's one thing to meet someone by chance in your daily life and just click -it's not like deliberately looking for someone on a dating site -I hope you can see the difference and understand why I'm saying to her it would seem worse.

As for the wife/daughter getting together- You could suggest things the wife/daughter could do with your son too. The weather is getting nicer- maybe suggest to your wife that she and your daughter and son would like to go on a picnic together for example as they are all still family. That would give emphasis to the fact that your wife and daughter have a relationship and it needs to be respected - I do feel for your daughter in all this mess- she's lost your wife AND her baby brother and whatever her loyalty to you knows your wife loved her and hopes she still does- She is stuck in the middle and may even feel that some of it is her fault as you felt she was getting ignored and her needs not met .

If you can stop banging on about rights and focus on what is best for all combinations of your family -eg wife/daughter, daughter/son and try to work out with your wife- and ask her how she feels about the best way to ensure that even though the relationship between you two has failed how she and you can best promote this so these relationships can flourish - by extension your relationship with your son will naturally come up rather than her feel you only care about seeing him and as aren't interested in the other combos.

cte1111

Here's a suggestion, you say that your children are your life and you would do anything for them. Then why not give up smoking? It would demonstrate to your ex that you take her concerns about the possibly smoky environment seriously and would also mean that your daughter would be less likely to take it up herself in the future. You should also save a bit of money, which could come in handy with outings or solicitor's fees.

I don't really understand why you expected your wife to wait until after the mediation to start the divorce process. You've left her and made it clear that you don't want to get back together. You refer to her as your 'ex' and you've got a new girlfriend. Why wouldn't divorce be the next logical step? Being divorced rather than separated doesn't affect the mediation with regards to contact with your son.

Your daughter is a teenager, she's bound to get wound up about all sorts of changes that are going on, but it's not down to her to make judgements about how often her brother should be visiting your house. Settling a child in a new home is a difficult process, more so for one who's been ill and had a difficult start in life. I can understand your son's mother wanting to put her son's security first. I do think you should be able to see him regularly, but he needs to be clear where his home is, and that will be his main home. As he gets older, it will be easier for him to be away from home for longer.

NB you were complaining that you wanted afternoon visits, so you could go to church. These are then granted and you complain that this is when he sleeps, you can't have it all ways.

Raccierach

Oh dear. Whatever the reasons for your relationship breaking down are they are irrelevant in when you spend time with your son..

Push for mediation appointment and attempt to talk if it's not going to work get it into court ASAP. There is no point hanging around and hoping for the best.

Most non resident parents will expect to get every other weekend, split school holidays, split Xmas and bday. The fact that the child has been adopted is irrelevant in law - he is your son.

Represent yourself it is not difficult - are there any local firms that will give you free half hours advice.
Children need both parents equally, one is not more important than the other and unless you are a risk then you will get to spend time with him.

The longer you leave it the messier it gets.

FBaby

all I want is proper contact arrangements so that I am able to have him overnight, and for weekends so that we can really strengthen the bond that is building

I don't think anyone is disputing that you should be having the above. The issue is in the timing. I think that to have a better chance of getting the above and doing so in the best circumstances, you should slow down a bit.

You say you sympathise with how she feels. In that case, if there is one thing you can give her to make for the hurt you have caused, that's a bit more time for her to come around the situation you have put your through. Yes, it is painful to wait, but surely not as painful as what she's had to go through.

duchy

I wonder what adoption experts say about the time a child needs to feel secure in a new home post adoption before sleepovers or regular absences aren't considered detrimental to their settling in ?

I don't know the answer - I was just wondering if adoptive parents are told to wait a certain length of time before this -or even going on holiday ?

Ms_Chocaholic

duchy wrote: »

I wonder what adoption experts say about the time a child needs to feel secure in a new home post adoption before sleepovers or regular absences aren't considered detrimental to their settling in ?

I don't know the answer - I was just wondering if adoptive parents are told to wait a certain length of time before this -or even going on holiday ?

From adopters meeting their adoptive children, it takes around a week before overnight stays take place and around a fortnight before the child/ren are fully placed with the adopters.