Arrangements for Children - Help please!

red_devil

Do you think you should have worked on your relationshio abit more especially as you had adopted a child?

duchy

Sinhanada wrote: »

Yes I did think that going at exactly the middle time would have probably been best - however again hindsight is a lovely thing!

I had a lovely email asking if I'd have him last night for his supper which I did and loved every minute of it. The only problem was I had to drop my cricket match (My team mates understand luckily), but it was worth it. Now a big part of me wonders if last night was a deliberate choice by the ex knowing that it would mean I couldn't play?

Thank you all for the response again - I really do appreciate seeing a different side as I do tend to get blinkered and focus on a solution to a problem rather than trying to see the other persons point of view.

Entirely possible she wants to "test" your commitment - to find out if you really mean it when you say your son is more important to you . If so you passed !

Remember you are the man she trusted to have a child with - and she is hurt that you and she didn't make it work- It takes time and words are just words- she sounds like she wants to see actions that show you won't leave/let down your son - as she knows you are capable of leaving -as after all you left her. (Yes I know that is very black and white but that is how she is seeing it - from just her viewpoint- not so different to you talking about solutions but forgetting people's feelings impact on situations too - Hmmm maybe you two aren't that unalike after all )

Guest101

Sinhanada wrote: »

Yes I did think that going at exactly the middle time would have probably been best - however again hindsight is a lovely thing!

I had a lovely email asking if I'd have him last night for his supper which I did and loved every minute of it. The only problem was I had to drop my cricket match (My team mates understand luckily), but it was worth it. Now a big part of me wonders if last night was a deliberate choice by the ex knowing that it would mean I couldn't play?

Thank you all for the response again - I really do appreciate seeing a different side as I do tend to get blinkered and focus on a solution to a problem rather than trying to see the other persons point of view.

Dirty Magic, you're right - we do tend to get a bad deal but then again there are a lot of men who just walk away and don't want to know (I am generalising here!) so I guess that's where it comes from.

As for the timing's well I will make sure I'm there on the dot to pick him up.

As for the mediation - no I'm not entitled to Legal Aid, but again it is something worth paying for (I'm hoping this is credit card friendly - then a balance transfer at the end! lol). I did make the initial contact and this is the first type of response I've heard - I would have thought that they would have phoned me or written to me to let me know that contact had been made back? I'm hoping that the mediation helps - and I have kept a diary and copies of all correspondence between ourselves thanks to some advice from here!

Golden rule of mediation: dont bring up the bad.

You're not there to convince the mediator, but you're there to talk between yourselves with someone who is experienced and keeping the conversation on track to assit you both.

He/she will not take sides, will not give advice, but may summarise what's been said.

So bringing correspondence etc, will probably mean the session ends abruptly. (bring it, but in a bag, and out of sight, unless required).

The reason for the initial appointment would be to explain the above to both you and your ex.

Guest101

duchy wrote: »

Entirely possible she wants to "test" your commitment - to find out if you really mean it when you say your son is more important to you . If so you passed !

Remember you are the man she trusted to have a child with - and she is hurt that you and she didn't make it work- It takes time and words are just words- she sounds like she wants to see actions that show you won't leave/let down your son - as she knows you are capable of leaving -as after all you left her. (Yes I know that is very black and white but that is how she is seeing it - from just her viewpoint- not so different to you talking about solutions but forgetting people's feelings impact on situations too - Hmmm maybe you two aren't that unalike after all )

Because it's not controlling in anyway to 'test' your ex partner?! - I re-iterate a previous statement - No wonder he 'left'.

As is often the case, the OP is male and therefore in the wrong. HE is not entitled to live his life. HE is not entitled to 'leave', what is clearly not a good relationship, because that is 'abandoning' his family.

However his ex, being female, is clearly the 'victim' and must be empowered. SHE is showing 'strength' for going it alone... blah blah blah.

Equal? Not really.... Just? F___ no.

duchy

Jeeez
Bitter.....much ?

This isn't about right or wrong it's about figuring out what is behind the action - what the motive is.

If the OP can understand why she is doing something then he can head off problems.

One thing that a lot of men don't get is that when they cheat or leave a woman often doesn't just feel he cheated or left *her* but also on their children. Men tend to put their lives into compartments more than women.

An example "Offering access on Cricket night"

Motives
Wants Father and son to have time together
Wants to make Father choose between son and his hobby/mates to see what is more important
Wants to make OP miserable regardless of cost to child (Guest101's motive)
Is exhausted with looking after two children and wanted a break herself
Ex is gradually coming to terms with split , knows mediation is coming and wants to stop feeling angry and move on.

Aparts from Guest101's motive none are bad reasons and not bad for thirteen weeks since he left especially with a new partner already on the scene which always makes these things trickier.

Questions
OP & ex both got what they wanted (supper night)-why look for ulterior motives unless you are paranoid or looking for trouble

Would an email saying what a nice time both had - and how you'd like to do it again and how about X night next week (a different night) suit -help move things forward ? (Obviously no mention of how Y night wasn't the best night because of Cricket)




The OP is a problem solver - he wants solutions that work right away . He's a "situation right now" guy. Women tend to problemsolve more organically - take longer and go for long term solutions not quick fixes.

I know couples where contact simply hasn't happened for several months because it's all too raw and angry for the couple to make any agreement. The OP and his wife are past that stage but to expect complete harmony and reasonableness on both sides already is a bit optimistic. Both feel the other has let them down -it takes time to work out schedules let alone a proper cooperative parenting arrangement and rebuild trust in each other as parents. Cobblers like "Oh it's always the woman" (or man) don't help -both are people and both need to remember that and not listen to bitter people who couldn't work out their own relationships and assume everyone else can't too.

Guest101 wrote: »

Because it's not controlling in anyway to 'test' your ex partner?! - I re-iterate a previous statement - No wonder he 'left'.

As is often the case, the OP is male and therefore in the wrong. HE is not entitled to live his life. HE is not entitled to 'leave', what is clearly not a good relationship, because that is 'abandoning' his family.

However his ex, being female, is clearly the 'victim' and must be empowered. SHE is showing 'strength' for going it alone... blah blah blah.

Equal? Not really.... Just? F___ no.

Guest101

duchy wrote: »

Jeeez
Bitter.....much ?

This isn't about right or wrong it's about figuring out what is behind the action - what the motive is.

If the OP can understand why she is doing something then he can head off problems.

One thing that a lot of men don't get is that when they cheat or leave a woman often doesn't just feel he cheated or left *her* but also on their children. Men tend to put their lives into compartments more than women. - Clearly the OP didnt leave the children, as his daughter hlives with him. (Women are all angels, just so we're clear)

An example "Offering access on Cricket night"

Motives
Wants Father and son to have time together Possible, and nice
Wants to make Father choose between son and his hobby/mates to see what is more important - so testing her EX? which is what i said? ofcourse she has some kind of 'right' to do this.
Wants to make OP miserable regardless of cost to child (Guest101's motive) - not what i said, but equally she could be bitter and twisted.
Is exhausted with looking after two children and wanted a break herself - unless ive missed something, she's looking after one child?
Ex is gradually coming to terms with split , knows mediation is coming and wants to stop feeling angry and move on. - Perhaps, but then it would've been considerate to not do it on cricket night, as that clearly builds more resentment (but its ok for her to feel resentment and being 'left'. Not that she might've driven him away and.... but he must remain stoic!)

Aparts from Guest101's motive none are bad reasons and not bad for thirteen weeks since he left especially with a new partner already on the scene which always makes these things trickier.

Questions
OP & ex both got what they wanted (supper night)-why look for ulterior motives unless you are paranoid or looking for trouble

Would an email saying what a nice time both had - and how you'd like to do it again and how about X night next week (a different night) suit -help move things forward ? (Obviously no mention of how Y night wasn't the best night because of Cricket)




The OP is a problem solver - he wants solutions that work right away . He's a "situation right now" guy. Women tend to problemsolve more organically - take longer and go for long term solutions not quick fixes.

I know couples where contact simply hasn't happened for several months because it's all too raw and angry for the couple to make any agreement. The OP and his wife are past that stage but to expect complete harmony and reasonableness on both sides already is a bit optimistic. Both feel the other has let them down -it takes time to work out schedules let alone a proper cooperative parenting arrangement and rebuild trust in each other as parents. Cobblers like "Oh it's always the woman" (or man) don't help -both are people and both need to remember that and not listen to bitter people who couldn't work out their own relationships and assume everyone else can't too.

I didnt say it's always one way or the other. I was actually saying that both parties are entitled to stability and a life.

(though i suspect you are quite bitter, since you accuse all men of abandoning their families, in all such threads)

Sinhanada

red_devil wrote: »

Do you think you should have worked on your relationshio abit more especially as you had adopted a child?

And how do you know I didn't? I'd much rather you either provide some advice if you are able to than cast aspersions upon what you may or may not believe has happened

red_devil

Sinhanada wrote: »

And how do you know I didn't? I'd much rather you either provide some advice if you are able to than cast aspersions upon what you may or may not believe has happened

I meant to say both of you actually i realised i had only put you after i posted, making it sound it was all your fault.

Sinhanada

duchy wrote: »

Jeeez
Bitter.....much ?


Is exhausted with looking after two children and wanted a break herself
Ex is gradually coming to terms with split , knows mediation is coming and wants to stop feeling angry and move on.

Questions
OP & ex both got what they wanted (supper night)-why look for ulterior motives unless you are paranoid or looking for trouble

Would an email saying what a nice time both had - and how you'd like to do it again and how about X night next week (a different night) suit -help move things forward ? (Obviously no mention of how Y night wasn't the best night because of Cricket)




The OP is a problem solver - he wants solutions that work right away . He's a "situation right now" guy. Women tend to problemsolve more organically - take longer and go for long term solutions not quick fixes.

I know couples where contact simply hasn't happened for several months because it's all too raw and angry for the couple to make any agreement. The OP and his wife are past that stage but to expect complete harmony and reasonableness on both sides already is a bit optimistic. Both feel the other has let them down -it takes time to work out schedules let alone a proper cooperative parenting arrangement and rebuild trust in each other as parents. Cobblers like "Oh it's always the woman" (or man) don't help -both are people and both need to remember that and not listen to bitter people who couldn't work out their own relationships and assume everyone else can't too.

Thanks Duchy - just to clarify - she is bringing up our son and yes as a toddler he certainly isn't as easy as looking after an elder child (My daughter lives with me).

I don't think he was looking for trouble, but echoed what I had secretly thought. I do feel the night was chosen specifically as it was my cricket night (Although I go and play and come straight home it was always one of many bones of contention in our marriage). Regardless of that though, the main thing is I got to see my Son. I'd give up cricket all season if I have to (I'm actually not very good at it anyway!).

Thank you for the idea of the email too. I will give that a try and see if I can have a different night. To be honest, I'll take whatever night I can, anytime I can.

As for problem solver - in a way yes, but what I am trying to do is to remove any issues that will affect our Son (And my daughter) in later life by acting now. I just feel (It's a nagging feeling) that as time goes by with no increase in hours or visits it's going to become harder and harder for him. It's already affecting my daughter who is trying not to get angry that he's not allowed to come and visit more often. I am trying to keep her calm and explain that it's more than just not being allowed, but I am getting stumped on that one!

Guest
You are right in what you are saying and thinking I feel. I completely agree that I feel it is unreasonable, however as I am the one who has left I feel it is up to me to try to keep things as calm as possible for the childrens sake. It's not their fault that we're in the situation we are, but rather two adults who are trying (And I will say she does love both children) to make sure the children have everything they need.

I don't feel I abandoned my family though - I left for my own sanity, for my daughter's sanity and so my Son can have a happy childhood.

Thank you very much for the tips on mediation - to be honest I do not know what to expect on this. I will not bring up the bad though, or the past and hopefully that will be what I need. I am confident that I am a good Dad. I love my children and I know my daughter has grown up well (If not just a little sarcastic - but I blame myself for that!).

Sinhanada

I thought I would give an update to everyone on here.

Last Saturday I received a petition for divorce from my wife, which while not unexpected and certainly not wanted I am surprised at. Her date for mediation is on the 22nd May and this letter is dated the first.

It has also gone onto state that I will not be allowed to have my son during the week anymore and I will also only get him for an afternoon on either a Saturday or Sunday from 12:30 - 17:30.

I went to collect him on Sunday afternoon at 12:30 (As the church clock started it's chiming I knocked on the door!) only to be told he was asleep. He finally woke just after 14:30 so I picked him up then and took him back to mine, made a gorgeous Sunday dinner which he loved and took him back at 17:30.

So, it is looking like I either need to obtain a Solicitor or represent myself (Which is something I'm inclined to do!).

I don't see this being resolved amicably anymore which is a shame.