Arrangements for Children - Help please!

Sinhanada

FBaby wrote: »

My mum had an affair when I was a little over 1 year old and separated from my dad before my 2nd birthday. I was a child very much wanted by both. Inevitably, the first months of the separation were difficult and I didn't see a lot of my dad during that time (even story that he had to come and get me when my mum took me abroad!). Yet somehow I did manage to build a very strong relationship with him. Things calmed down after a while and all I remember, from the age of 5 or so is looking forward to my week-ends with my dad.

I was very close to him as a child and still am as an adult, so yes, I do think it is possible.

OP, just hang on. Your ex is probably still grieving the loss of the man she loved and the family life she craved. She is hurt and that pain is affecting her decision. She is holding on to her dear son and probably being over-protected. She deserves you to at least respect why she would feel this way. It doesn't take away your rights as a father, but it might mean you might to have to be even more patient than you have been. Keep up building your relationship with your son and it will pay off eventually.

Thank you and I am very glad to hear that you have built and still have a strong relationship with your Father. I know that I need to be patient and I am trying - it is made so much harder by the fact that everything is now appearing to get worse

justme111

Everybody is telling you to calm down and let the things settle a bit , its just been 3 months since you moved out ! Its not as if you did not see him at all , you see him once or twice a week. But you want it as much as YOU want it when you want it and NOW. Does not come across very well and likely to antagonise ex even more. People keep mentioning social workers as a point of contact while you sound like a broken record re court. I do not know , may be court will result in best. I have doubts though for the reasons I highlighted above.

verysillyguy06

Sinhanada wrote: »

Hi Duchy

Thank you for your comments and I am sorry that you see me in such a negative light. I have deliberately not posted the reasons for the break up of our marriage as I did not think this was relevant.

Just to clarify some things for you. I did try to save the marriage on many occasion but this was not to be. I took my daughter away from a situation which was not the best for her. She loves her brother and would do anything to help and fit in. The split happened around six months into the adoption, a process we had undergone as a family for 3 years. We co-habited until I could afford to rent a new place and I slept on the couch for a further three months. Two months later I moved on and moved out. I would have taken both children had I been able to, but we both felt that our Son would be better off staying with his Mum as she was still on maternity leave.

To everyone else, thank you for your support and also your comments. I understand and will be the first to hold my hand up to say that I regret not being able to save things and give our Son and Daughter the stable home they both deserve and need. I want to continue to be a part of his life and will continue to fight for access. I am not trying to set things up immediately but have the time to spend with him. Yes I have a great relationship with my Son. How do I know this? By the way his eyes light up and he shrieks in delight when he sees me. The way that I am able to comfort him if he hurts himself, by the way I can settle him to sleep when he wants to nap. By the way that he constantly wants to be around me if I’m near him. These things to me indicate that he has a bond with me. From myside it’s the way that I can make him laugh, the way he makes feel and I love him to pieces. This is an incredibly hard period not just in my life, but in his and my daughters and I suppose to my wife. We are all adjusting and I am trying to make the best out of a bad situation for everyone’s sanity and security.

What I am asking for still, is has anyone had experience of this – of the court process? If we leave the adoption out of this, but how have other people found setting up regular access?

if you start the court process, like asking for a contact order or a child arrangement order if you wanted a child to live with you, the court will get you both to attend a mediation service. However, you would need to pay for going to court...a couple of hundred I think for putting the request? The CAB would be a good place to get advice from

Sinhanada

Thank you for that - I will definitely try the CAB. I'm waiting for the mediation service to get back to me and I know that I will need to pay for that too. I am happy to as I am hoping we can work around this before the need for courts come up. I will contact the CAB today though

Sinhanada

justme111 wrote: »

Everybody is telling you to calm down and let the things settle a bit , its just been 3 months since you moved out ! Its not as if you did not see him at all , you see him once or twice a week. But you want it as much as YOU want it when you want it and NOW. Does not come across very well and likely to antagonise ex even more. People keep mentioning social workers as a point of contact while you sound like a broken record re court. I do not know , may be court will result in best. I have doubts though for the reasons I highlighted above.

I have tried to remain as calm as possible Justme, and will continue to try this. Court is definitely a last option and not one I am approaching lightly. It has been three months since I physically moved out I agree. I am wanting this for our Son. Yes I will gain emotionally from it, but so will he. At present I feel (And I'm sorry if you think this is me talking about me and my needs) he is not getting any meaningful time with my daughter with me and in our home.

Please do understand when I say that I have followed all of the requests by my wife in relation to our Son. I have followed times, rules, what to do, where to take him to the letter so as not to antagonise. The time that we are spending together is reducing week on week due to the restrictions being placed and this is why I am asking for help in trying to maintain and increase the time that we spend together.

TBagpuss

OP - it is appropriate for you to aim for a more reasonable level of contact with your son. His adoption is potentially relevent in that it may mean that it is more difficult for him to adjust to (for instance) over night contact than it would be for a child who had not had that early disruption in his life, but that is something you will not be able to judge until you try it - at that pot, you and your wife will need to be flexible and play it by ear. Of course from you son's persepctive, it would be helpful if your wife is able to be supportive of staying contact.

If your wife will attend mediation, it may help if you are able t o reassure her that you will be flexible, for instnace, suggest a pattern which starts with you spending 10-15 minutes with your son at the house, then taking him out for a couple of hours, then the next step might be simply picking him up from the house and taking him ou for a few hours, then when that is going well, extending the time to include overnight stays.

While legally contact should not be dependent on maintenance, if you think your wife is worried about the financial side of things you might find that it would help if you were to able to agree not to reduce the maintenance when your son starts to have overnight stays.

If you do have to go to court, the court has to decide what is in your son's best interests, starting from the presumption that he has a right to have a relationship with both of his parents, and with his sister. The fact that he is adopted does not change that.

If you have limited funds, then you may be able to do some of the initial work yourself, you can also ask local solicitors whether any of them offer 'pay as you go' or 'unbundled' legal advice, which may allow you to access advice as and when you need it, while dealing with day-to-day corresspondence etc yourself. You can also look at direct access to book a barrister directly, if you feel able to do most of the work yourself but want to be represented at court for any hearings.

You may find information on the Cafcass website helpful - http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups.aspx. also take a look at the Wikivorce forums where you will meet other parents trying to arrange contact with their children.

You may find it helpful to see whether your wife would be willing to meet a family therapist or counsellor, who might be able to work with both of you to try to improve communication and help each of you to see the other's perspective and to focus on your son's needs rather than your individual fears and concerns.

FBaby

You are letting your fears take over and possibly make the situation much worse for everyone. You say that things hedge been getting worse and I am guessing this is the reason for your decision to consider the courts. I do understand completely but I really think taking that stands WILL make things much worse long term. 3 months might feel like ages to you but in the scheme of things it is nothing.

The way you described your relationship with your son ans how you've bonded was very touching. You need to hold on to this. Your son is clearly much less affected by the separation then you are so it is much more about your needs (frustration) than his. It might feel very unfair but you made the decision to go and toy need to accept it. Many parents decide to stay together despite having fallen out is love or worse just because they can't cope with the prospect of not seeing their kids every day. Worse some are left with as little visitation rights or none when they thought their relationship was a happy one and the separation is not their decision.

As every one has said you need to give negotiation (and that involves listening to her and what her needs are too) a better go before involving the courts. Can you put yourself in her boots? She wanted to become a parent for the first time so etching you already had and when she was finally given the chance you want to take away what she fought for to be so fully. You don't mention the reasons for going through adoption but if it was the result of infertility than her sense of unfairness might be even deeper.

duchy

I do get the feeling the OP wants everything to change NOW and perhaps that's the key - slow down , consider carefully all the possible consequences of each action before doing anything you can't reverse .

Your wife must have some good qualities or you wouldn't have married her and gone for adoption with her -focus on why she is so angry and protective and work on what you can do to ease that first.
The most mild and passive women can turn into tigers when they feel their children are not treated the best........could this be your wife ?

purpleshoes_2

I don't think speculation and jackanory type scenarios help.

Too many posts on the boards lately have involved ripping posters to bit and then dreaming up all these scenarios to make one parent look the villan.

Amazes me that people start relationship breakdown threads on here. The amount of cobblers that gets written in response to people looking for support is staggering.

verysillyguy06

Courts will these days insist on mediation first anyway unless domestic violence is involved. It makes it more neutral and the rest of the advice on here seems emotional goggledegook to me...lol