Arrangements for Children - Help please!

Sinhanada

Ok please bear with me - this is a slightly longish one but I'm hoping for some advice from people here!

I left my wife last year and moved out in February taking my daughter (Mine from a previous relationship) to come and live with me. This was complicated as we had recently finished adopting a small boy (16 months when he came to live with us) who I love dearly. He still lives with the wife.

I've been trying since February to get proper access to him of more than just 2 hours on a Sunday morning and perhaps 1 during the week if I'm lucky. I have repeatedly asked (And yes I have stayed very calm through this!) to have more time but each time get told he’s not settled or there’s something else on.

This is further compounded by the fact I’ve now met someone else who I think is wonderful (That’s a different story!) and I am supporting the wife in saying that the new lady friend will not be introduced to our Son just yet.

I’ve also tried the mediation route and am awaiting for her to return the forms - which I don’t think she’s done yet (Almost four weeks now).

I do realise it is hard for her, but I do believe that she is deliberately being obstinate in her approach to me and my access rights to my son. I’m now at the stage where I think the only thing left is to try family court – but this is something I can’t afford without asking for a share of our house. If I do this then that takes the roof away from my Sons head and that is what makes this hard. I don't restrict access to my daughter for her (My daughter is 15 and does enjoy going to see her brother!)

I guess what I’m asking is does anyone have experience of this? What the next steps might be? Also any advice on what I should be doing? I will add that yes I am paying maintenance for my son and making sure that is paid each month!

pinkshoes

To me it sounds a little like two failed relationships, and jumping straight into another rather quickly...

Why not just focus on getting more access with your little boy, and put relationships on the back burner for a bit? He is the one that needs stability right now, having gone through adoption and now divorce, he doesnt really need the stress of additional people in his life.

Sinhanada

Thanks Pinkshoes - you're right it does read like that and I can see exactly why you would think that.

My first child was born in 2000 and my wife left me for someone else in 2002 - I met my new wife in 2005 and left her this year as our relationship had completely broken down - possibly due to stress, possibly to us growing apart.

I am trying to focus on my son, my new relationship is completely understanding of the fact that I have children (She has none and doesn't want any) so we see each other on evenings or weekends - but this isn't every day \ weekend. She also understands that my children will come first which is a rarity!

What I am trying to do is to give him as much as I can. You can see his little face light up when he sees me and I'm the first person he runs too when does. My problem is that the time I am getting to spend with him is less and less and is now only at the ex's house and he's not able to come to mine at all

duchy

If I was your wife and we'd gone through the long process of adoption for you to leave I don't think I'd be very helpful towards you either TBH.

Perhaps if you tried approaching things from the viewpoint of what is best for everyone rather than just what you want things might improve. Everything you've written starts with "I"

I don't understand how you could have left your wife last year- but didn't move out until Febuary this year- do you mean Feb 2013 or something else ?

Wilma33

How long after you adopted your son did you leave? How well does he know you and how old is he now?

To be honest I am much more concerned about your son's welfare then your access. Adopted children need stability more than most and on the face of it you have left him (probably following many others) and let him down. Is his social worker involved? I feel sorry for your wife who is left picking up the pieces.

Sinhanada

Thank you for your replies.

I moved out in February this year. Unfortunately due to financial commitments neither of us could afford me to move - it was the worst three months I have spent sleeping on a couch.

That does pale into insignificance when it comes to the son. He has been adopted by us last year and spent 6 months before things began to break down to the point where there was nothing left to salvage. I love both my children and agree they both need stability. What they do not need is a pair of adults who are constantly arguing - undermining each other (I did try to put an end to it but the more I tried the more this continued). I left for the sake of my daughter who was completely pushed out by the ex wife in favour of the new son to the point where she would have to shower and change into pyjama's as soon as she came home from school so as not to intefere with his bed time routine.

So yes, I have left and I believe I have done so in the best interests of both children (My daughter has certainly blossomed since this has happened). Yes I am concerned about the welfare but children need BOTH parents, and not just one.

As for how well my son knows me - He knows me very well. He doesn't talk yet, but we have a great relationship which was filled with laughter and cuddles - I carried out most of the bedtime routine's and he would settle perfectly for me and sleep through the night. The change has certainly affected that.

Lastly, I can understand your concerns but without knowing the full situation (There are two sides to every story!) please do try to keep to answering my original query - how do I continue my access with my son and has anyone been through this type of situation before?

duchy

I'm not sure how you can have a great relationship with a child you chose to leave and see for a total of 3 hours a week at most.

What benefit do you feel your increased presence would bring to his life ?

Are you still in touch with the social workers who dealt with the adoption - I would hope so - Have they expressed a view.

I really can't imagine how anyone can adopt a child - knowing that they need stability and security even more than another child and then leave within months.

Part of me wants to say to you - why not be happy with your daughter -and leave the child you left be and I'm wondering if the social workers and his Mother both consider you to be an unreliable presence in his life and perhaps want to see you demonstrate a bit more commitment to the child than a few weeks before allowing him to reattach to you -only for you to depart again. Maybe you need to prove yourself first.and that would be months not a few weeks.

The social workers/his Mum won't care if you miss him or not - they are solely concerned with what is best for the child and at face value you left shortly after he arrived in the family. Two broken marriages and bailed shortly after he arrived -you can understand their caution surely ?

Sinhanada wrote: »

As for how well my son knows me - He knows me very well. He doesn't talk yet, but we have a great relationship which was filled with laughter and cuddles - I carried out most of the bedtime routine's and he would settle perfectly for me and sleep through the night. The change has certainly affected that.

This just made me angry
You left a very vulnerable child - and now you are trying to score points because he doesn't settle so well at night. Does it not occur to you that the reason he is unsettled isn't because you are not there but because you removed yourself deliberately (probably to start a new relationship ) from his life.Making demands to be a part of his life again now it suits you smacks of selfishness and shows little regard for the boy.

It isn't about you and what is best for you..

GlasweJen

I feel for the OP and both children.

The daughter was abandoned by mum and then her next mother figure throws her aside when a new baby comes along - how ludicrous that a 14 year old had to shower straight after school so as not to interrupt the new baby, could she have friends round or go out socialising or play music in her room when the baby was asleep?

Adoptions can change families and it sounds like mums went a bit loopy - was she given the child she never thought she would have? Do other people get to see the baby and take him out (I know that's a no no within the first 6 months but we are past that now).

I'd be involving the social worker - he's both your child and he would benefit from access to you both.

Guest101

My main question is why did you take one child and not the other?

As for the non sense of abandoning the child? - no he ended a relationship.

Women every day on this forum are told to leave relationships if they arent working. This stink of the anti male brigade.

duchy

This isn't about leaving a relationship -it's about leaving within a few months a child he made a very important commitment to.

Walking out on a child you've adopted in my book is as bad-maybe worse than walking out on your own child. With adoption comes responsibilities yet within months the OP threw in the towel because the baby became the centre of his wife's world and he felt pushed out.

Happens with bio kids too sometimes but to take on a child who has already lost his biological parents for whatever reason and then leave them in such a short time just seems especially awful.

Realistically I'd have expected the child's social worker to ensure contact wasn't lost yet this hasn't happened -which is very odd especially as the OP apparently "left" his wife months before he left the marital home (whatever that means - maybe it meant he felt free to start a new relationship ) so there was plenty of time to discuss how access would work before he walked.

Guest101

Or he was pushed out by his ex?

The relationship ended. Why should he put up with his daughter being ostracised by his ex?

Why should he be forced to live, and force his kids to live, in an unhappy home?

So it's ok for the mother to dictate contact an so forth because she pushed him away? And when he had enough and left, he's the one in the wrong?

This isnt the first time you've posted such presumptions. And im sure it wont be the last. I suggest to you that these situations are not black and white.

From what I have read this is a man who chose to take his daughter out of a very negative situation in her formative years, because his wife was essentially abusing her. And you have the gall to criticise him for his priorities? I'm just shocked he didnt take both kids and tell his ex where to stick it.

which is very odd especially as the OP apparently "left" his wife months before he left the marital home (whatever that means - maybe it meant he felt free to start a new relationship ) - It means the relationship was over and they no longer shared a bed, but co habited until such a time as the split was practical which the OP explained.