Low income families - how do you cope with your children's disappointment?

jackyann

I certainly wouldn't dismiss the difficulties. And I do know what justme is saying.

For young children (and OP's are under 8) then the parents does, largely, have to decide. As they grow up they can have some autonomy through pocket money, allowances, birthday / Xmas requests, and eventually through earning money, informally then formally.

Listening & talking is the way for children to feel heard, to feel part of decisions, to feel respected. Parents can explain their decisions and ask kids to "problem solve" about getting what they want.

I have posted before that when I was 10, my mother said that I should have a clothes allowance, and she taught me to make my own clothes so I could stretch it!

I have a fund of stories about the decisions my children made with the money that was "theirs". One is:

We were on a camping holiday, on a small site we visited regularly. the site owner was struggling to find someone to do the early morning clean of the loos & showers. My 13 year old offered. It was an hour & a half every morning for 7 days, getting up at 6.30. He spent it all on a football shirt and proudly said "I know *exactly* what this has cost!". He knew our opinions, and respected them; we respected his decision and we all had a laugh about it (and still do, sometimes!)

Robisere

My son has brought up his 2 children alone after his marriage broke up and he moved them away from a lazy, obscenely obese, neglectful and abusive mother, who has never bothered to contact them whilst they grew up. They are now 18 and 16. Ds has never had more than low-paid jobs, but he long ago sat down with his children and told them how it was going to be regarding money and material stuff. We helped where we could, but he performed almost miracles with their lives, he bought what he could and he always made sure there was food on the table and good clothes on their backs. I only have to see them all together to know what a loving family he created, they absolutely worship dad. But the best lesson he gave them, was that only work can give them what they want from life. Now the 18 year old is almost done training and is set to finish top of her catering & hospitality course, with job offers from several restaurants. She divides her week between college and working at a local restaurant. The 16 year old wants to be an engineer and works one day a week at an Engineering factory for work experience. He wants to go on to a college which will teach him Design. In his holidays he looks for part time work.

Our DD also had a bad time when she was left with a month old baby, later she met a decent guy with 2 boys and they gave us our lovely youngest gdaughter. She has worked to modernise her cottage and will hopefully sell soon to move in with her partner, after her son and his boys moved out. Her son, our eldest gson, is now 21 and a computer engineer. Her dd is extremely bright and very active.

None of our grandchildren had an easy time when young, but all had love and we are all a very close family. I cannot possibly express the pride and love I feel for my kids and grandkids: that feeling for all of us, when we are together, is worth more than all the money there is.

A few days ago, I took my dgd and 3 of her mates to a show. There was much discussion in the car, about grandparents. One of the girls said "Oh, we don't see ours - they are miserable and grumpy."

My dgd said "Oh we see ours all the time , they are lovely, aren't you granddad?" - followed by a big lipstick kiss on the cheek.

That's what I'm talking about!

suki1964

:eek:I think for us who grew up in the 60's and 70's ( and before) it is a lot easier for us to say that the kids don't need this that and the other, because we were the generation when no one had anything

My step daughter born in 86' was given everything by her mother, same as my stepson. Their mother was always in debt cos if the kids wanted something, they got it, including the Orlando trip. Me and hubby were the ones she came crying too every few months looking coal money or even just grocery money. This was on top of the child support we paid, the school uniforms, the shoes,the school trips and their flights to and from London so they could visit during the holidays. Their mother is still on the breadline, on NMW as a cleaner bringing up yet another child who she also can't say no to, and still she tries to tap Hubby now and then when the rents not paid or there's no coal or oil or even groceries.

Step daughter lived with us for a few years in her early teens and I instilled in her the value of money and whilst she will never be a high earner,she can manage her budget now and has no debt

Step son still thinks the world owes him a living and owes money everywhere

I've never had children of my own and when the step kids were young and all this was going on, I used to give off to hubby the whole time that they didn't need all they got and that their mum should be prioritising her money better. I now have two grandchildren and I can now understand why parents want to give them what they can. My grandson is 8 now and whilst he is in no way spoiled, we do get him the things that are important to his peer group. He gets the football shirts, the match attacks, the football mags, the spending money for ice cream. He does have a bike, TV and games consoles, not all have been bought new, but they are things he wants so that he is the same as everyone else

Holidays, he's content so far to come stay at ours cos we live close to the sea and he's had a few stays in London when hubby was working there so has been to theme parks ( although just as happy on the free kiddies climbing frame on the south bank lol ). He's learning that money has to be earned and that because we work we aren't always there ( grandad works in London , I work at nights and weekends,his soon to be step dad is working two jobs) so he doesn't see us all as much as he used to which is sad and he is aware of it

I don't know how parents manage today. All my peers are subsidising their grand kids to some extent and I know many mothers working two jobs, one just to pay for the clubs and holidays that otherwise they couldn't have. I know the next holiday the kids/grand kids will get other then up here with us, will be us paying for the flights and accommodation

How do you cope? I don't have any answers for you. I feel for you. You are doing a great job bringing up three kids and giving them what you can and from the sound of it doing a great job. Until your financial situation improves, be that either of you getting better paid jobs or more hours or a second job, things can't change. However it's a work/life balance. After being main childminder for grandson for his first four years and having him here 4 days a week, I've seen him for about two days so far this year

carmina_piranha

I'm 43, and grew up poor.

I understand those saying it's different now with social media, but in a way it's also better now because it's much easier to get the essential such as school uniform cheaply.

I remember the euphoria of getting a new blouse once because I'd been chosen to play a recorder solo which meant being on the front row of the choir. I was so over the moon at getting something that was brand new, I think my gran paid for it ... I remember the price tag, and you can get a new school blouse for that same price now!

Having hand me downs and charity shop clothes meant that you didn't always have the correct colour, or clothes were so washed out or patched that everyone could tell they were ancient. I remember trying to skive PE lessons in middle school (age 9-13) because my PE kit was so different to everyone elses, because that's all my mum could find in the charity shop. Supermarket PE kit looks great in comparison.

I carried on wearing my hand-me-down swimsuit long after it was too tight, and I remember a friend who couldn't go swimming because her family just couldn't find the money for a costume. That's easily sorted nowadays as the supermarket clothes are cheap, you can even get shoes cheaply if you need to, whereas in the past we'd have worn badly fitting shoes, put cardboard or carrier bags in them, etc.

I think it's a lot less obvious these days who is poor, inside of school at least. And I don't think Disneyland is the norm - I know lots of kids who have been abroad but not to Disneyland no matter how much they might want to go.

The disneyland advertising is harder to ignore these days, they tell you it's never been easier to say yes.

I don't know if you drive, but there are people who use the £9.50 holidays in the newspapers to go to a caravan park near Disneyland, then get the train there for the day, so that might be worth looking into if you can afford it.

And with the classes, perhaps you could tell your daughter that if she gets to a certain level in swimming you will allow her to do a different class instead?