Low income families - how do you cope with your children's disappointment?

geerex

You were very lucky to be in a school where the poor kids didn't get bullied.
In my school, the poor kids were obvious: NHS specs, crap clothes and they tended to smell a bit too. They don't go to Disney, they didn't even go abroad. They were pitied, ridiculed, bullied and ostracised.
OP, I'm sorry, but for all the platitudes on this thread, you need to understand that your children will blame you for any bullying they suffer due to your lack of income. You may be lucky. Perhaps you live in an area where all the kids are poor, if so, it won't be as hard.
But I'll tell you this - I remember how those poor kids suffered in my school, and how they amounted to nothing (Facebook confirms). Money doesn't buy happiness as such, but it goes a hell of a long way in stopping the bullying which causes unhappiness. You may try and justify your failings, you may try and tell yourself that your time and love outweighed your poor life choices and lack of money, but when your 11 year old has to make do with a ps3 for Christmas when all of his friends are unwrapping their ps4s and he won't be able to play with them, that's when you know you've failed them. And they will resent you for the rest of their lives.

Spendless

FBaby wrote: »

Just to pick up on your first post PenniesMake£s, I think there is quite a difference between your DD feeling frustrated because she can't do say a dance class if she happens to really enjoy it and would like to progress in that field, to her being frustrated because she doesn't have the latest pair of jeans, especially at her age.

DD got supermarket clothes until she was about 12 and DS who is now 12 still does. I just bought him his new summer wardrobe from Asda and Tesco this week-end and he was very happy with it all. I could afford to buy him trendier brands, but even he says himself that it would be a waste of money as what he's got is just as nice.

There is a big difference between peer pressure and just wanting to take up opportunities.

I agree with this. I'm guessing that 3 x under 8s means at least 1 if not 2 pre-schoolers, rather than 7yo triplets. If you've still got children at home during the day your income may be limited for a while. That won't necessarily always be the case.

My eldest (15yo boy) couldn't care less about clothes. DD at 12 is showing more of an interest, but has little that isn't from supermarket/cheaper end of High Street. As and when she wants something, it can come as a Christmas/birthday present from either us or other relatives. She got her first pair of converse last week from an auntie for her birthday.

If your eldest is asking to go on the same type of holidays as her friends. I guess they just enthuse about them to her. That's only natural to say how much they enjoy something. If they were raving about a park she'd also want to go there. My dd went on about wanting to go to Butlins for years because friends of hers went and enjoyed it.

I do pay out for activities, but mine didn't do a great deal of them when younger. Both attended a once a week Church group that was free. Son did Beavers/Cubs/Scouts which was a few pound per week from memory plus uniform and then camps which were optional. Nowadays he does St Johns Ambulance which is £6 per month. Daughter flitted with Brownies for a few months and then didn't do any paid for out of school clubs until she was almost 10.5 when she started drama lessons and that is at an Independent club with nothing like the charges of franchised groups. The kids Secondary school doesn't charge for any lunch or after school clubs and years 7-9 have an hour of 'enhancement' once a week, where they chose an activity to participate in. DD does musical theatre. At Primary school athletics, tae-kwon-do, street dancing, cheerleading, gymnastics, arts and crafts all ran once a week in term-time for £2 per session. The school my Niece and Nephew attended didn't charge at all, so always worth asking at school what if anything runs and the costs involved as they may be cheaper than activities elsewhere if your DD is interested in doing something.

Isn't your eldest at the age where she might go swimming with school? Both mine went to swimming lessons, but after they had learnt to swim, I kept them in and the focus was on how they did strokes etc. Eldest completed the whole grades the council offered, youngest decided to quit with 2 grades to go. If I'd purely taken them to make sure they could swim, it would have cost me a lot less.

micky2phones

PenniesMake£s wrote: »

We are a low income working family with 3 children under 8 yrs old. We can make ends meet but there isn't much money left for luxuries. We take the kids to all the free activities we can, beach, parks, museums etc. We always have plenty of library books in the house. There is no shortage of love and parental time, stories, meals together. But we can't afford for the kids to do activities e.g. gymnastics, dancing although they will get swimming lessons as this, for me, is an essential life skill. We can't afford holidays beyond a couple of nights somewhere in the UK. They wear supermarket clothes.

Unfortunately for me and them(?) their cousins and friends all have parents who spend a lot more on their children....so my dd constantly asks "when can we go to Disneyland?" Why can't I do this class or that class like my friends" "Mum you have to buy me this pair of jeans or that schoolbag"

Seeing it written down it all seems like superficial stuff but I'm worried they'll resent me for not being able to give them it all. What do you think?

This is not the answer to your question but i had to say what wonderful parents you are and you are doing a great job !

GlasweJen

There is such a thing as a poverty gap and kids from low income families just don't do as well as their better off peers.

We were one of the poor families, 5 kids (we're a blended family) and parents both worked but in low paid jobs. My biological father kept bringing stupid court cases against my mum to get access (he's a !!!!!phile) and eventually the courts ruled that he wasn't allowed to go for access again but that cost a lot in lawyers that my parents didn't have.

I was on free school meals from primary 4 on and off to leaving sixth year (I'm in scotland, we don't do a sixth form).

I didn't get the good career advice that my OH at a private school and peers from a better school in a nicer area received. I don't have connections to get into nicer public sector work (and believe me I'm trying), I didn't get to do a sandwich year because I couldn't afford to go and work for free for a year and give up my student job. I was on a bursary at uni, my family couldn't afford to contribute (I was the first person ever in my family to get a degree).

I do wish I had nicer things as a child, I was never bullied because i made out like I didn't care but most of my holidays were through the guides. Mum won a family holiday to Florida when I was in primary 6 and that was magical, we finally got to go on an aeroplane. Other kids in my situation were bullied horribly and used to not collect their dinner ticket or dog PE as they were embarrassed by their kit. I remember dogging PE for 6 weeks as I didn't have a swimming costume and my mum couldn't afford one.

UK0106

geerex wrote: »

You were very lucky to be in a school where the poor kids didn't get bullied.
In my school, the poor kids were obvious: NHS specs, crap clothes and they tended to smell a bit too. They don't go to Disney, they didn't even go abroad. They were pitied, ridiculed, bullied and ostracised.
OP, I'm sorry, but for all the platitudes on this thread, you need to understand that your children will blame you for any bullying they suffer due to your lack of income. You may be lucky. Perhaps you live in an area where all the kids are poor, if so, it won't be as hard.
But I'll tell you this - I remember how those poor kids suffered in my school, and how they amounted to nothing (Facebook confirms). Money doesn't buy happiness as such, but it goes a hell of a long way in stopping the bullying which causes unhappiness. You may try and justify your failings, you may try and tell yourself that your time and love outweighed your poor life choices and lack of money, but when your 11 year old has to make do with a ps3 for Christmas when all of his friends are unwrapping their ps4s and he won't be able to play with them, that's when you know you've failed them. And they will resent you for the rest of their lives.

What utter rubbish!

The fact that you seem to be under the impression that all "poor" kids have NHS specs, crap clothes and smell says a lot more about you that anybody else.

The parents of any child that bullies another child for being poor are the only failures. I'd be absolutely disgusted if I ever found out that any child of mine was bullying somebody because they were poor (or for any other reason - just to be clear).

Incidentally, I grew up in a very low income, 1 parent household. There are five of us, all grown up now (except for a 17 year old) and we never went aboad once. I can guarantee you that not one of us was ever bullied for the crime of being poor, we all had plenty of friends, were not ridiculed and most importantly all appreciate every single sacrifice our mum made so that we could have the little we did.

I knew as a child that we weren't well off but it's only as I got older that I realised the scale of the sacrifices my mum made for us as kids and she's my ultimate hero for that (amongst many other things).

Nobody else was bulliled at my school (to my knowledge) for being poor either.

Oh, and we did not smell!

Madmel

I don't have much advice for the OP other than has already been given. However, we took our DDs to Disneyland Paris when DD2 turned 8 as part of a road trip to Europe which included visiting family and a business meeting for DH. DD was devastated that she was too short to go on some of the rides that she had really wanted to experience (friends had gone on and on about how good they were). If your DD is not very tall, you could say that she might not get full value out of a trip and it would be better to wait until every member of the family can go on all the rides they want to.

We have never been back as it is expensive, but this summer both DDs are going on a school trip to France which includes a day at Disneyland, so DD2 will finally get to experience the Space Mountain ride, 6.5 years on!

DigForVictory

Sounds to me like your children are having a very special treat in their lives - you. There, willing to play, wanting to spend time with them.
To this day my husband recalls the miner's strike with almost near-affection as despite meals being odd, he got to spend all day with his Dad - his hero.

As a side issue, Scouts have access to all sorts of money to help with subs & uniforms, so if you think they'd enjoy Beavers & then Cubs & then Scouts etc, ask if they can have a go. If they do go for it, a quiet word with the leaders will help sort the money side - and that includes camps etc. A recent trip included a day at Disneyland Paris & the young folk were intriguingly more smitten with the dragon boating in hindsight - similar amazing photos but also a badge...

itchyextremist

why do you have three kids?

katsu

My parents worked hard and didn't have a lot of money. I never bothered to ask to go on school exchange visits overseas etc as I knew we didn't have the money. I didn't bother bringing the letters home IIRC.

I knew they loved us and lots of other people were working hard to make ends meet where I grew up.

I'm happy and have a good job so it did me absolutely no harm. My sibling wanted more brands so they did get some, but I don't think it really altered bullying at school.

barbarawright

geerex wrote: »

You were very lucky to be in a school where the poor kids didn't get bullied.
In my school, the poor kids were obvious: NHS specs, crap clothes and they tended to smell a bit too. They don't go to Disney, they didn't even go abroad. They were pitied, ridiculed, bullied and ostracised.
OP, I'm sorry, but for all the platitudes on this thread, you need to understand that your children will blame you for any bullying they suffer due to your lack of income. You may be lucky. Perhaps you live in an area where all the kids are poor, if so, it won't be as hard.
But I'll tell you this - I remember how those poor kids suffered in my school, and how they amounted to nothing (Facebook confirms). Money doesn't buy happiness as such, but it goes a hell of a long way in stopping the bullying which causes unhappiness. You may try and justify your failings, you may try and tell yourself that your time and love outweighed your poor life choices and lack of money, but when your 11 year old has to make do with a ps3 for Christmas when all of his friends are unwrapping their ps4s and he won't be able to play with them, that's when you know you've failed them. And they will resent you for the rest of their lives.

Don't judge everyone by your own standards. i went to a private school on a scholarship and had less money than most people. I don't remember any bullying related to poverty - people knew they were lucky but didn't judge others for having less or not going on fancy school trips. Frankly, I can only assume that you were one of the bullies yourself and you don't seem to have changed