Low income families - how do you cope with your children's disappointment?

ineed

I think you're doing your kids a big favour in the long run regardless of your income. As a child I was incredibly spoilt, anything I wanted I got and even things I didn't want or ask for were brought for me as surprises, I also had a monthly allowance from the age of 12 to do what I wanted with, my clothes etc were brought on top of that from anywhere I liked. I had holidays in Disneyland in America and Paris and if we went on holiday in the UK a fortune was spent. I had a mobile phone at 11 and my own PC, printer, scanner etc (this was 1998) had all the bills paid credit etc. And because of all that I had absolutely no idea of the value of money as an adult, and I got into quite a bit of debt and ended up on this forum. Just my experience for what it's worth.

thorsoak

geerex wrote: »

You were very lucky to be in a school where the poor kids didn't get bullied.
In my school, the poor kids were obvious: NHS specs, crap clothes and they tended to smell a bit too. They don't go to Disney, they didn't even go abroad. They were pitied, ridiculed, bullied and ostracised.
OP, I'm sorry, but for all the platitudes on this thread, you need to understand that your children will blame you for any bullying they suffer due to your lack of income. You may be lucky. Perhaps you live in an area where all the kids are poor, if so, it won't be as hard.
But I'll tell you this - I remember how those poor kids suffered in my school, and how they amounted to nothing (Facebook confirms). Money doesn't buy happiness as such, but it goes a hell of a long way in stopping the bullying which causes unhappiness. You may try and justify your failings, you may try and tell yourself that your time and love outweighed your poor life choices and lack of money, but when your 11 year old has to make do with a ps3 for Christmas when all of his friends are unwrapping their ps4s and he won't be able to play with them, that's when you know you've failed them. And they will resent you for the rest of their lives.

What a nasty, horrible post! All you will teach any children unfortunate enough to have you as a parent is that greed is good - and to be smug is wonderful.

I do wish that there was a "dislike" button.

sarahevie1

I teach them to be grateful for what they have.

As a child we had nothing compared to friends, my mum chose not to work, so she could be there for us. I resented that I could never go to clubs, had supermarket clothes as a teenager. My dad worked full time but was only a middle earner.

I strongly believed my mum should get a job, to support us financially, this was the 90s/00s so most of my friends were growing up in two income homes.

We had an annual 2 weeks abroad every year. However i calculated that for the cost of this we could have actually had more fun the other 50 weeks a year.

As for me I'm a single mum, I work six days a week. I'm a primary teacher with a supermarket Saturday job. My kids do various clubs swimming, ballet, tap, musical theatre, rainbows, science club. I pay about £110 per month on clubs. I don't have takeaways, meals out, buy mostly supermarket clothes. Its horses for courses.

Your kids are learning the value of working hard, in a loving home, the best gift op.

nearlyrich

Further to my earlier post we never went hungry and my mum made sure we all had clean clothes on every day which was a huge job. We are all successful in life with careers so boo to anyone who says poor children don't do well in life it is all about the parent's support not how much you have in the bank...

justme111

I belong to the camp of more affluent parents. I realise that many people could not afford amount of money I spend on my daughter. I do not think she feels in any way privileged though! However much money one spends on the child there are ALWAYS will be something that other children have and one's does not. Even if one had 50 times disposable income than peers' parents there would be something one would not buy not because one can not afford to but because one does not think it is right to get it. My daughter does not have xbox for example not because I could not afford it but because I do not want her to have more gadgets. So however well off childs parents are there will always be something child does not have and it is the matter of perception what that child will make an accent on - on what he has or on what he does not.
I pay for my daughters drum lessons but I believe she would be better at it if instead of paying for them I would do them myself using utube as a guide and it would be free . I pay for crafting classes but how much better it would be if I sat with her and done sawing and crafting myself. . I pay for 11+ tutor but I know a family that could not afford it where children passed this exam successfully because their parent helped them and motivated them..I pay for squash lessons while it would be far more effective if I just played with my daughter more often .. And so on and so on... I bought my daughter a bike at halfords while her friend got exactly the same one from car boot sale for £3. Her friend feels smug they got it cheap , my daughter does not value getting it new whatsoever .So I feel guilty for throwing money instead of time and love while you feel guilty for not having that money . Parenthood is a guilt trip no matter what. As we want our children to get a perfect combination of all which is impossible since neither this world nor we are perfect ..
I hope that my words will reassure you it does not matter as they are coming from someone who is seeing it from other side..
The only situation where it can matter would in my opinion be when a child badly wants something because a cheaper option of it is associated with feeling of inadequacy /bullying. But then again , if one goes through it it may make one stronger and benefit one in the long run .

BigAunty

We did have an annual UK holiday but were the last to get a car and telephone compared to many of my peers.

I resented having to wear hand me downs - my first day at secondary school was blighted by having to wear my brother's old shirt. I hated charity shop clothing and when I got things bought for me from Woolworths or C&A rather than the local market, it was thrilling. I disliked getting specs and coats for birthday and christmas presents. I was upset to never go on any school trips other than day trips.

I was continually discouraged from having any social activities other than the free sunday school activities or swimming (cheap entry for children, pool just down the road) and felt that it left its legacy with less social skills and childhood friends because my social circle and experiences were very narrow.

My mother always cut my hair and what with the tatty unfashionable clothes, I always felt a bit scruffy and it did nothing for my self esteem at a time when I was probably at my most self-conscious. I disliked the onset of puberty being marked by being given one of my mum's old bras.

When I started work, I felt wet, unwordly, shy and stupid compared to my new colleagues.

My mother's mantra was 'I want doesn't get' - the standard retort to pestering them for something.

Thing is that now I can understand that we were poor and their spending decisions weren't personal. Nowadays I happily buy second hand clothes and don't crave experiences and things.

But I never really received any kindly words at the time to explain why I couldn't keep up with the Jones's other than sharp retorts. So if you explain about inequality in a kindly way rather than snapping which was my experience, this will go a long way into easing the expectations in a positive way.

I can actually see and appreciate now that my parents went beyond the norm of then and nowadays by the fact that we were treated to many day trips. yes, they were the cheap or free kind, yes they involved taking a packed lunch, but many of my school friends didn't get past the end of the street.

Some kids these days never really get outside their town, taken to museums, to the seaside, on picnics or their parents play with them because their parents can't be bothered.

justme111

To re phrase my long waffling post - does not matter what they have , what matters is how you feel about it and how strong they are. If you feel down because you dont have money they will as well , if you are happy with your life so they will because if you happy and proud of what you are it will rub on them as will the love and acceptance that happy parent give to children

jackyann

Lots of good replies on here.

I would agree that it is better to be upfront with your kids. Although yours are too young for much, it is good to involve them in choices & budgeting where appropriate.

I would begin with pocket money and help to save some of it. Talk about what they want & choices.
An occasional "designer" item can be asked for as a birthday or Xmas gift.

Tell them in a straightforward way that you cannot afford some things or choose to spend money differently.

I'm sure you already keep an eye out for free or cheap activities put on by community groups and the local council.
I'd also look out for sports and similar clubs - depending on the sport, these can be cheaper than "lessons" although most are for slightly older children.

I would also consider prioritising for the older ones, some sort of youth organisation. Something like Cub Scouts, Girls' Brigade, Woodcraft Folk - whatever suits best. As they are run by volunteers, they can be a bit variable, but are mostly very good organisations that enable kids to learn skills and join in activities on a tight budget.
3 generations of our family have felt that organisations like these have given us experience and skills that have stood us in good stead throughout our lives.

It really isn't trite to say that learning to live on a budget, make difficult choices, have a good life without much money, are useful skills for kids to grow up with. I am not talking about kids whose families can't afford decent clothes or food - but neither are you.
I am watching my kids and their friends beginning their working lives, finding places to live and have their own kids. Guess who are doing the best? The ones who know how to stretch the pennies, and who know that their self-worth isn't determined by the labels on their clothes or where they go on holiday.

I do hope that reading some of these replies gives you ideas about how to handle this.

zarf2007

I think one thing the OP needs to be careful of is to fall into the attitude my mother had, I.e. She was a single mum and never had a career therefore if I aspired to I was 'getting above my station'. While Inspite of this it did make me strive for more and I now have a well paid job, many people I went to school with are now either in prison or are doing nothing because their parents like mine, never amounted to anything and therefore didn't encourage their kids to.

One thing I have noticed about colleagues who came from a more wealthy background is that they exude confidence and a lot of this has to do with the experiences they have had that my mother couldn't afford for me.

In short, encourage your children to succeed in any chosen career no matter what your own personal feelings or insecurities.

Buzzybee90

They won't. I did not grow up in a low income family but to be honest I never even thought about it as a child. The fads on fashion come and go but it's the days at the beach or park you keep with you.