Low income families - how do you cope with your children's disappointment?

thorsoak

In the early 1980s, when we had four children, the oldest 14, the youngest 4, my husband - at that time a lecturer - had a life-changing accident, which resulted in his being unable to continue with his career. This meant that I had to become the main earner of the family (very little support in the way of benefits at that time). We were also in the process of renovating two old cottages, so we went from a two wage family to a one wage family living in a less than ideal property in an affluent area.

But we could still give our children wings - even if we couldn't give them flights to Disneyland. We gave them those wings, and they all went on to university and have good careers.

You do not need money to give your children confidence - you need to imbue them with self-worth. Self-worth does not need all the gadgets and whizzbangs. Self-worth gives them the confidence to say "so what?"

Buzzybee90

I just didn't see money. I knew some friends lived in big houses and some in small ones, but it never crossed my mind to think of them differently.

uk_american

I grew up in a similar environment to what you describe.

Even worse, I grew up in the States and we still couldn't afford Disneyland.

I did grow up with an understanding of budgeting, and how much things cost. It was a good grounding to life. Payday was Friday so leftovers was Thursday.

My mum insisted on swimming in the same way, as we were an hour from the seaside, this is where we went on a night's holiday. I'm a good swimmer, but I would have loved to have mastered the basics and then done gymnastics instead. That being said, I've been to many rough coasts in the meantime and held my own.

I was envious of my school friends who went to Europe. I was 26 by the time I made it over here. I thought I missed out on all the study abroad opportunities and languages that everyone else got.

But maybe, that is why I did a degree in Spanish and why I have a job earning 75k/year here in the UK. As I have a good grounding and have learned to work for my opportunities, they presented themselves. I worked my way through uni, with long hours during the summer breaks. This was due to my parents' explanation of money and the understanding that I needed to make my own way.

Give your children life skills and take advantage of every free activities, the rest will work itself out.

geerex

itchyextremist wrote: »

why do you have three kids?

Because to hell with the affordability aspect, and to hell with giving them a decent life. There are multiple threads on this board asking "can I afford to have kids?". The answer is always the same - pop them out and worry about the consequences later.
Welcome to MSE - where being poor is to be encouraged, and where men are always, ALWAYS in the wrong.

thorsoak

geerex wrote: »

Because to hell with the affordability aspect, and to hell with giving them a decent life. There are multiple threads on this board asking "can I afford to have kids?". The answer is always the same - pop them out and worry about the consequences later.
Welcome to MSE - where being poor is to be encouraged, and where
men are always, ALWAYS in the wrong.

Wrong geerex - you are incorrect in your summing up: being poor is not encouraged - climbing out of poverty is; - and real men are not ALWAYS in the wrong ....some just need to be shown to view the scene from a different angle!

Must be so painful, carrying that chip (without ketchup!) on your shoulder!

bylromarha

KatieDee wrote: »

I think expectations are just higher nowadays.

This. Totally. I don't think those of us over 30 can make a fair comparison to our own childhood as the generation we grew up, in massive debt was not a lifestyle choice. It is now.

It's normal to have the latest console/phone/game aged under 11. Heck, I got "ribbed" by a 10 year old last week as I didn't have an iphone like he did. I know his parents are in debt up to their eyeballs, but kid still has the latest console, and game and a lush bike.

My own 2 are 10 and 8 and now they are a little bit older then your kids OP, I can see the life lessons from the earlier days are having impact. I see them looking sadly at kids sitting on iphones at the play park while they're running round having fun. I see them give me spontaneous hugs when they see a kid being pushed away or ignored as their parent is on the phone/ipad. I see them actively comparing prices when they help out with the shopping, knowing that £1 beans are not going to do more for us than 20p beans. They are happy to wait for a box of ice creams at Lidl rather than spend £2 per ice cream from the van as they are starting to see value.

So keep doing what you're doing OP, and keep teaching your kids the value of not getting into debt for the fripperies of life.

FBaby

I'm still surprised that some parents can't aspire to treat their kids to what means so much to them. I remember when I surprised my DS years back for his birthday to going to see for the first time his favourite football team game. He thought we were going to the zoo, which he was already excited about, but when I told him on the train it wasn't our destination and then told him, I could never forget the happiness in his eyes. He still talks about it 3 years on, how amazing that day was and how grateful he was for it.

Yes, I'm sure he'll also remember fondly the walks we took on the beach, and the time we went camping on the coast, but I think this particular day will remain a special memory forever.

Is it really so bad to aspire to give your kids special treats that mean so much to them? There is quite a difference between spoiling a child with the latest fashion/technology (which my kids certainly aren't) and treating them to things that mean so much for them? I was brought up in a work hard/enjoy life hard approach to life so that we always look forward to those special moments we could finally afford. I have replicated this and my kids seem to also be embracing it. They are already telling them that they definitely want to earn a good living when they are older so they can enjoy these luxuries and offer them to their kids.

I suppose as someone said earlier in this thread, we all have different aspirations and none are right or wrong, even if this thread seems to convey that aspiring to give a bit more to your kids is doing them more harm than good.

milliemonster

I agree, I am 42 and grew up in a family where we were acutely aware that there was no money for treats, I had nhs spectacles that were the bane of my life, one holiday to cornwall a year, no day trips, no extra curricular lessons/activities unless they were free, it was the same week in week out, same meals each week, we never had a takeaway or went to a pizza place or anything like that, but as I've grown older I became acutely aware that it wasn't throu lack of money as such, more that my parents wanted to spend their hard earned money doing up their house, building extensions, conservatories etc and saving for their retirement, I don't resent them for that and I know how much I was loved as a child, but I did feel acutely different to my friends and felt very much that we were 'poor' even though that didn't turn out to be true.

For myself and my own family, I wanted a career first, family second, I became a nurse, married a fabulous man and then we had our kids, only 2 I would have loved more but, I wanted to be able to give my kids opportunities and relish in their young lives, giving them every chance to experience things and share in that journey with them.

My children are now 16 and 12, they haven't been spoiled, they know the value of money and know that just because we have the money to afford something or do something doesn't necessarily mean we will do or buy it. We have had times in their lives where things financially have been very tough, but I do think it's important for children, if you can, to be able to experience every opportunity that comes their way whether that's something free or something that costs money if you can afford to. If we'd have had more children we wouldn't have been able to afford to give them these opportunities.

My son who is 12 isn't bothered by clothes in the slightest as long as he has something to wear he's happy, he doesn't care where it's from, I will still buy things from charity shops for us all if I see a bargain but will just as much head into town into zara to buy my daughter something too.

All I've wanted for my family is to help them achieve and reach their potential, to provide what I can and give them every opportunity I can afford. We don't have the same level of savings that my parents had, but I've always wanted to put my children first, my parents spent their lives in hardship to save for a retirement they never reached as my mum died of breast cancer, I think this has significantly shaped my opinions in grabbing opportunities and trying to provide life experiences for my kids when I can

Mrshaworth2b

restless6 wrote: »

A lot of posters on here talk about their own childhood and how it didnt affect them - BUT- social media did not exist then!!.

I know you've put a lot of posters and I am on only one of that example but just wanted to say that I am only early twenties so social media was always around when I was growing up, bebo, faceparty, msn, MySpace and Facebook. Also mobile phones throughout high school. It may not have been what it is now but I definitely knew what my friends had and I didn't but still didn't affect me.

Also, there will always be bullies and whether your child gets bullied for not having a ps4 or because they have glasses, there will always be something for a bully to bully someone about, it's not nessessarily going to be because the family is on a low income.

GoldenShadow

I think its good for your kids!

I had riding lessons (£9 a week) and piano lessons (£10 a week) for a few years, but I was the youngest and my Mum was back working full-time then. When I was very little we lived so rurally childcare was non existent really (only had one car, barely any buses) so my Mum couldn't work full time. Parents used to row about money a lot and I used to feel horrible for guilty for going riding and things. We had a few holidays for a week in Yorkshire as a family but that was it really. Parents were awful with money and didn't have a lot for most of my childhood.

But, as a 23YO today, I sit here and think to myself that whilst luxuries etc are lovely, you have to work for them and be really careful with money to be able to. A lot of my friends who have always had everything and have little idea about how all of that works. My cousins in particular, its lovely that they have all they could want (horses, quad bikes, own bedrooms and bathrooms with them, two week super hot holidays every year), but the eldest has got a job now and is having a hard time realising he has to pay his own way, and that a lot of the luxuries/niceties dwindle away as he faces moving out and living in his own place (if he can ever afford it, expensive around here). I've got another relative who is similar and always had what he wanted. He's written off three cars in 18 months and never seems to care. There might be more to it than that, but as a big family, my siblings and I are far better with our finances and seem happier with what we have/can afford than those who had more and are now having to try and stand on their own feet as ma and pa can't afford everything they want now the stakes have gone up..!

Rambling now, but I don't think its a bad thing at all. Not done me any harm that I know of.