Low income families - how do you cope with your children's disappointment?

PenniesMake£s

We are a low income working family with 3 children under 8 yrs old. We can make ends meet but there isn't much money left for luxuries. We take the kids to all the free activities we can, beach, parks, museums etc. We always have plenty of library books in the house. There is no shortage of love and parental time, stories, meals together. But we can't afford for the kids to do activities e.g. gymnastics, dancing although they will get swimming lessons as this, for me, is an essential life skill. We can't afford holidays beyond a couple of nights somewhere in the UK. They wear supermarket clothes.

Unfortunately for me and them(?) their cousins and friends all have parents who spend a lot more on their children....so my dd constantly asks "when can we go to Disneyland?" Why can't I do this class or that class like my friends" "Mum you have to buy me this pair of jeans or that schoolbag"

Seeing it written down it all seems like superficial stuff but I'm worried they'll resent me for not being able to give them it all. What do you think?

nearlyrich

I was from a low income family brought up in the 60's and 70's and I remember the love and support from my parents, now my siblings and I all in our mid 40's to mid 50's are still very close and really value our family. Lot's of love lot's of (cheap) fun and they will build great memories....

bathwiggle

PenniesMake£s wrote: »

We are a low income working family with 3 children under 8 yrs old. We can make ends meet but there isn't much money left for luxuries. We take the kids to all the free activities we can, beach, parks, museums etc. We always have plenty of library books in the house. There is no shortage of love and parental time, stories, meals together. But we can't afford for the kids to do activities e.g. gymnastics, dancing although they will get swimming lessons as this, for me, is an essential life skill. We can't afford holidays beyond a couple of nights somewhere in the UK. They wear supermarket clothes.

Unfortunately for me and them(?) their cousins and friends all have parents who spend a lot more on their children....so my dd constantly asks "when can we go to Disneyland?" Why can't I do this class or that class like my friends" "Mum you have to buy me this pair of jeans or that schoolbag"

Seeing it written down it all seems like superficial stuff but I'm worried they'll resent me for not being able to give them it all. What do you think?

I learnt to swim in a rock pool and the sea, the only holidays we had were camping in wales. I didn't go abroad with my family until i was 14, and grew up wearing hand-me-downs and charity shop clothes. As a child hood, i remember a lot of fun, and actually felt sorry for some of my friends who rarely spent time with their parents and couldn't see the fun in going for a family cycle/walk.


If any of us children asked for things we would be told to save up for it, go to grandmas to earn money - still do that now, but more to help them or get told when you pay. We lived, enjoyed ourselves and i think are better for it!

meritaten

The kids will be learning a valuable lesson from you. that money doesn't grow on trees in the backyard. honestly hunny - if you are teaching them to appreciate what they DO have - which sounds like a loving family, they don't have much to complain about.
Just be 'matter of fact'. 'sorry kids, but money is in short supply and we cant afford it'. and DONT be tempted to go into debt to 'treat them'. they really are not missing out.

newgirly

It sounds like you have three very lucky children to have such loving hardworking parents. We have three kids and times have been hard sometimes, there will always be friends with more money ,going abroad etc. We even paid the deposit for Disneyland twice and cancelled twice was circumstances changed (they still haven't been!)

I hope mine have grown up leaning the value of things just like I'm sure yours will, they have what lots of kids would love - siblings to play (or bicker!) With.

It sounds like they have a of going for them ,just not some of the luxuries others may get as standard.

Don't worry about what you can't change at the moment , the less money we have sometimes the more inventive we get, it sounds like they get everything they need. Even if you did buy more expensive stuff etc.there would still be kids at school with more or better stuff.

I tell myself that it will give them more drive to do well at school, get good jobs and earn lots of money for us all, we can but hope

KatieDee

I think expectations are just higher nowadays. I see 5 year olds with iPhones and there is just no way that a child needs that kind of luxury. I can understand your children making the odd comment about wanting to go on holiday to Disneyland (I begged my parents when I was a wee one!) but I really wouldn't worry about the longterm effects.

You sound like you're doing a fantastic job at the moment and you seem to be doing a lot of the things that some families with the money don't do! You are also teaching your children that you can't have everything and have to work hard for the things you get. This will make them value the things they are given, rather than expecting the newest iPad or console.

By the sounds of it, you're doing fine

FBaby

I think it is a very difficult line because not all children aspire to the same things. Some are just more materialistic than others regardless of the family income. It's just the way it is. Some children will grow up with many opportunities but maybe less quality family times and some will say they were lucky whilst others will say that they were neglected.

Similarly, some children will grow up with little but wonderful memories of time spent together and will feel they had a wonderful childhood whilst others will complained that they missed out on opportunities due to their low income.

You have to do what you think is right and try to maybe prioritise differently so that maybe you can provide some of the things your DD desperately wants, just not right away and not everything.

Corelli

We were in the same situation when our children were younger. In the long run it is the parental involvement and love and doing things together that get remembered. Or so it seems for us. Our son, still gets worried about the price of things and will turn down a small treat I have offered him because he says it is too expensive. We now get DLA for him which has made a huge difference, but the mindset is still there.

He talks about his friends who get bought games equipment and phones without rancour, just noting how different it is for the different families.

He is 16, his big sister who is now nearly 21 very much appreciates what was done for her and says nothing about a feeling of deprivation. Of course, she might be being nice to me.

OP, your children will grow up remembering that they were loved and hands on parents, not having the latest gadget or going to Disneyland will seem less significant. It does hurt when you can't give your children what their friends and relatives are getting, all you can do is explain that your family, despite your best endeavors don't have the same income as others you know.

In our case, the children have grown up being a lot more aware of the value of money, possibly a bit less frivolous with what they spend on now. Certainly they don't take it for granted when more expensive things do come their way which does occasionally happen now.

We home educated so lived on one wage, then my husband had a lot of long term illness but got in a muddle with tax and NI as he was forced into working for himself and couldn't cope with the paperwork. So this meant when he was ill we had no state benefits fo a long time. We had a little help from family, and I was doing some cleaning. So - low income it was.

As we home educated, there was of course masses of involvement withthe children and parents, mostly me due to DH's heath problems and we were always off doing activities in museums, meeting up with other home edding families.

sofarbehind

I think your children are very lucky because they have all that really matters, a loving and supportive home. We were very poor when I was growing up and didn't have new clothes, toys, do activities or go on holiday. There was some teasing because of this because we really stuck out but I think it's made me better as an adult, less judgemental and materialistic. Stronger. Made me fight for a top university place. The lack of parental love and support however has left a huge scar


I doubt your kids will be teased as most supermarket clothes are lovely and on trend. I think looking more or less like everyone else is important for fitting in. I don't mean wearing labels just clothes that fit, are clean and not obviously twenty years old.

KxMx

Are you honest with them about finances and matter of fact about it?

I grew up in a poor family, no car, no holidays UK or otherwise, no after school activities etc.

But I knew simply there wasn't money for those things and on the whole accepted it.

Can't say I liked it then and I don't like it now looking back, but you know what it didn't kill me and it makes me appreciate my mother all the more for finding those low cost things to do with us.

What I only learned later was that had my father been less selfish we could have had some of those things. But that clearly doesn't apply in your case

marisco_2

Don't sweat it. In the long run your children will thank you for giving them what really counts. My dad could have written your post years back. I have grown up with wonderful memories of my childhood, have a very close relationship with him and appreciate all that he did for me. His approach to raising me set me up well for life.