Low income families - how do you cope with your children's disappointment?

GlasweJen

My family were shocked when I came home and said I wanted to go to uni. Of my school year (roughly 240 kids), less than 20 graduated and 14 of them are now teachers. We weren't expected to think beyond school. Our careers day involved guest speakers that included a hair dresser, a builder, a teacher, a driving instructor - no one from a STEM background, no doctors, no nurses.

In terms of university applications there was 1 copy of the UCAS CD that got passed around, 1 copy for a school with 1200 pupils? We got no guidance on how to fill in the form or what to write for a personal statement we just had to fill it in and send it to our guidance teacher.

It wasn't that my parents didn't care because they did but they just didn't know how to help me and my teachers just weren't geared up to help kids, particularly girls, who wanted to do science or engineering.

Had my mum known better she might have pressed to send me to a better school (in Scotland you tend to just go to the nearest) or she might have hired a tutor or helped me find scientists to speak to but there I was with 4 As at higher and no clue what to do with them.

alb1

To some extent I sympathise with Geerex's post.

I don't have children of my own, but I was brought up in a low income family caused primarily by the fact that my parents, despite their best attempts, were out of work for a number of years.

I was bullied for pretty much my entire school years because I had unfashionable clothes and stuck out like a sore thumb. On top of that I had to eat lunch separately from the few "friends" I did have because I had free school dinners. Again, this marked me out as different because the cooked food was so awful that nobody would pay to eat it. It was very obvious even at a young age that being from a poorer family made me different.

I'm now in my late 20s and it's had a huge lasting effect on me. Managers at work have commented more than once that I've got potential and ability but totally lack confidence. It's entirely true. I have very little self esteem. My brother was also badly affected by it. He pretty much escaped being bullied by virtue of the fact that he was the year sports star. He did however see what I went through. Most of it was intended to be behind my back even though I knew what was going on, so I'm sure he saw more of what was going on than I did. He's now in his early 20s and totally overspends on clothes because he can't bear to be seen in anything unfashionable. It's obvious to anyone who knows us why.

As for not having things though, this was never so much of a big deal. We knew we couldn't have expensive things or holidays and we knew why. We learnt to appreciate what we had and I got a job at 14 so that I could save for when I went to university.

I think a good compromise would have been if our parents could have bought us a few better clothes (and I really like some of the kids supermarket clothes so I wouldn't rule them out) which were more stylish regardless of how much they cost.

I hate to say it but I think some of the previous posts might be looking at things with rose-tinted glasses. It's totally wrong to say the OPs children won't be affected by being from a low income family, because they probably will. I definitely was and still am. The most important thing though is to shield them from negative issues and hope it affects them positively. I learnt independence as a teenager by getting a job and I learnt about working to earn things. I've never expected to be given things and worked really hard in an attempt to become better off than my parents were, because I want to be able to give any future children better opportunities than I had. I don't see that as a bad thing at all.

FBaby

I really do think there is a big difference about prioritising quality time vs what money can buy with young children then with teenagers.

I think most who feel that lack of money held them back will think back at their teenager years whilst those who will have the most precious memories of simple times together will think of their younger years.

Unfortunately, families who tend to have prioritise being at home when their kids were young are most likely to be the ones with lower incomes when their children become teenagers.

Ideally, parents would be able to work fewer hours when their kids are young and go straight to being given jobs with more responsibilities and longer hours when their kids are older but it doesn't work like that because that's of no benefits to companies so it more often tends to end up being one of the other.

restless6

A lot of posters on here talk about their own childhood and how it didnt affect them - BUT- social media did not exist then!!

Nowadays, it is so easy to see what your peers do and have, that I do think your children will grown up feeling it more so.

I was raised in poverty and always felt that i was not good enough and felt different. No matter how my mum tried to compensate.

Maybe you could try and save a few pounds a week towards an allowance for your kids so they can at least do one class each, or buy one nice thing they would like.
Without sounding blunt, I would not have had 3 kids under 8 if I could not afford to give them at least some quality of life.
Maybe ask friends or family to but them a membership for dance class for birthday present, or swap days out and day trips with other families, so they at least get some experiences.

I think with a bit of creative thinking you will be able to give them better opportunities than they currently seem to have.
At a young age they may be happy with time with mum and dad and library books, but this will change as they get older.

meritaten

So many of you blame your lives on being brought up 'in poverty'. I think that's an excuse. Its 45 years since I left school. a typical valleys secondary modern. many of my classmates still live here - a lot have left. of the year I was in - yes a lot of people didn't achieve much - but many of them did. some of them did extremely well in trades such as building, plumbing, mechanics etc. some of the girls went on to become nurses, teachers (you didn't need a degree - you just did a teaching course at night school), one or two own highly successful shops. but, they were the ones who were determined and desperately wanted to do better for themselves. This from a year who were considered Mines and Factory Fodder! my cousin, who was in my year went on to university after further education college and is now Head of a very prestigious girls school. I took my degree through the Open University - took me many years as I had a very sick child and couldn't do full time work - and the course was very expensive.
I too had to overcome negative attitudes from parents and even my OH - was greeted by laughter and 'Oh you think you can get a degree?' and 'University isn't for the likes of us' and 'What good will that do you'. just made me more determined.
if you have underachieved - then its because of you - not childhood poverty.

zarf2007

meritaten wrote: »

So many of you blame your lives on being brought up 'in poverty'. I think that's an excuse. Its 45 years since I left school. a typical valleys secondary modern. many of my classmates still live here - a lot have left. of the year I was in - yes a lot of people didn't achieve much - but many of them did. some of them did extremely well in trades such as building, plumbing, mechanics etc. some of the girls went on to become nurses, teachers (you didn't need a degree - you just did a teaching course at night school), one or two own highly successful shops. but, they were the ones who were determined and desperately wanted to do better for themselves. This from a year who were considered Mines and Factory Fodder! my cousin, who was in my year went on to university after further education college and is now Head of a very prestigious girls school. I took my degree through the Open University - took me many years as I had a very sick child and couldn't do full time work - and the course was very expensive.
I too had to overcome negative attitudes from parents and even my OH - was greeted by laughter and 'Oh you think you can get a degree?' and 'University isn't for the likes of us' and 'What good will that do you'. just made me more determined.
if you have underachieved - then its because of you - not childhood poverty.

I don't think it's a case of blaming underachieving on a poor childhood, as I said, my lack of any kind of guidance or encouragement made me work harder to achieve something that my mother didn't but you never lose that lack of self confidence and doubt no matter how high you climb.

GlasweJen

I left school in 2004 and graduated in 2009 - right when the banks ruined the economy. A lot of kids in my year who did break the mould had no graduate jobs to go to - that wasn't their fault.

The attainment gap between rich and poor is real, that's why we now have things like pupil premium. If you're poor you're more likely to be disabled, disabled people are less likely than any other social group to have a job at any level of education.

Like I said earlier my peers in uni who were not on bursaries got to do an unpaid, full time sandwhich year job, I couldn't as I couldn't afford to not be in uni so these people got jobs working in labs and things and when it came to getting graduate jobs the people who did a sandwich year mostly got jobs in the NHS where the placements were. I had to work, my parents could never afford my £300pcm rent, plus bus fairs plus food costs - it wasn't even a question.

When I graduated the dean gave a speech and warbled on about how it's hard to be the first one in the family to get into education and that's why education should be free which is all well and good but even in tuition fee free Scotland a better education could be bought by the middle classes.

tibawo

My children are loved, clothed, clean and fed. They would argue with the last as according to them there is nothing to eat in the house!

I have this holiday had serious words with my eldest who I have called a snob to her face. I have a low income, no partner for any extra support and would rather spend any extra on treats than me. She told me she was meeting her friends at x time but could I take her tens mins earlier. The reason for this was she did not want the others to see our old 07 car! I pointed out that it is our car, and that theirs might be a company car or even still being paid for. I put the nail in the coffin by telling her to walk next time.

as a treat we did go ice skating this week, they loved it. Never done it before but I also know that last night we burnt some old photos, old ones of random things outside in the chimnea making up random stories about them, With hot choc and potatoes done in the chimnea we were giggling away. This was free and just as much fun.

Yes I do feel I can't afford to give them everything but I believe a happy life far outweighs anything to do with money woes of trying to keep up with others.

Indie_Kid

restless6 wrote: »

A lot of posters on here talk about their own childhood and how it didnt affect them - BUT- social media did not exist then!!

For some of us, it did.

Without sounding blunt, I would not have had 3 kids under 8 if I could not afford to give them at least some quality of life.

Peoples' situations change.

balletshoes

this thread has been very interesting - can I ask, what do you call "poverty"?

To me poverty is not being able to afford new clothes as needed (not just because you want them), its struggling every month to cover the bills and buy food for your family, its knowing you can't afford treats or luxuries (holidays, takeaways, mobile phone contracts etc), and its worrying that something will happen to your car/fridge/cooker etc because you don't know how you'll pay to get it repaired.

Actually, now that I've written that down, I'm not sure thats poverty - I was that parent when my daughter was little, and I didn't consider myself to be poverty-struck, I was struggling to make ends meet but I didn't consider myself to be in poverty.

We had free school meals some of the time when I was at school, I remember there used to be quite a queue of us in secondary school, we had to hand in our tickets/collect our tickets (I can't remember which it was) on a Monday morning at the school office. I don't recall any of us free-school-mealers getting ribbed or bullied for it. I had a hand-me-down school blazer but that was the only item of clothing I remember getting second-hand for school. Was I in poverty? I didn't think so then, and I don't think so now to be honest (my parents always worked, usually had 3 jobs between the 2 of them).
And on the subject of hand-me-downs - my sister lives in an affluent small town, she is not short of a bob, and there is a school uniform co-op at her kids' schools, so when they leave to go on to other schools/college etc they hand in any wearable uniform so that kids coming into the school can get the use of the items for a nominal price, which goes to the school funds.

I'm more saddened by folks' experiences of not having parental encouragement at home than anything else in this thread. I'm in my 40s and my parents would have backed me all they could if I had wanted to go to university when I left school - and no-one at that time in my family had ever gone to university. The next generation (ie my nieces, nephews and daughter) are the ones forging the way there.

OP, I think you are doing what you can, and thats all you can do. If you have a 7-year old, that child at least is old enough to be made aware, in a kind way, that you don't have enough money to buy treats and expensive outings/posessions as often as maybe other people they know, but also that you will always do your best to give all your family what they need, and treats when you can afford them.