Low income families - how do you cope with your children's disappointment?

FBaby

A lot of my friends who have always had everything and have little idea about how all of that works.

I don't think this is related to the fact that they received treats though. My kids are very aware and appreciative of what they receive. My 15DD told me just yesterday that she felt bad for american parents because it wasn't right that they should pay for their kids university fees and that at least in the UK, students could take on loans and repay them themselves when they started working. Ok, a bit of a simplistic view, but still a mature one for a 15yo who already has a notion of financial self-reliance.

My parents did make the mistake of never talking money to me, so although I did appreciate the treats they were able to afford, I never realised that some of them might have come with sacrifices. I didn't have a clue of the value of anything. I learnt the hard way when I turned 20, but in a way, it wasn't a bad thing either.

I really don't think that kids who grow up in poorer families forcibly become those more money savy.

Voyager2002

PenniesMake£s wrote: »

We are a low income working family with 3 children under 8 yrs old. We can make ends meet but there isn't much money left for luxuries. We take the kids to all the free activities we can, beach, parks, museums etc. We always have plenty of library books in the house. There is no shortage of love and parental time, stories, meals together. But we can't afford for the kids to do activities e.g. gymnastics, dancing although they will get swimming lessons as this, for me, is an essential life skill. We can't afford holidays beyond a couple of nights somewhere in the UK. They wear supermarket clothes.

Unfortunately for me and them(?) their cousins and friends all have parents who spend a lot more on their children....so my dd constantly asks "when can we go to Disneyland?" Why can't I do this class or that class like my friends" "Mum you have to buy me this pair of jeans or that schoolbag"

Seeing it written down it all seems like superficial stuff but I'm worried they'll resent me for not being able to give them it all. What do you think?

Don't worry: you are giving them all the really important stuff.

I suggest that you seek out friends who share your (excellent) values and lifestyle so that their children can become your children's friends. And there is nothing wrong with explaining, even to young children, that all these things cost money and you don't have very much.

In the long term your children, with skills at using the library and all that it offers, are likely to do better at school and in life than the rather superficial "rich kids" around them.

balletshoes

FBaby wrote: »

I'm still surprised that some parents can't aspire to treat their kids to what means so much to them. I remember when I surprised my DS years back for his birthday to going to see for the first time his favourite football team game. He thought we were going to the zoo, which he was already excited about, but when I told him on the train it wasn't our destination and then told him, I could never forget the happiness in his eyes. He still talks about it 3 years on, how amazing that day was and how grateful he was for it.

Yes, I'm sure he'll also remember fondly the walks we took on the beach, and the time we went camping on the coast, but I think this particular day will remain a special memory forever.

Is it really so bad to aspire to give your kids special treats that mean so much to them? There is quite a difference between spoiling a child with the latest fashion/technology (which my kids certainly aren't) and treating them to things that mean so much for them? I was brought up in a work hard/enjoy life hard approach to life so that we always look forward to those special moments we could finally afford. I have replicated this and my kids seem to also be embracing it. They are already telling them that they definitely want to earn a good living when they are older so they can enjoy these luxuries and offer them to their kids.

I suppose as someone said earlier in this thread, we all have different aspirations and none are right or wrong, even if this thread seems to convey that aspiring to give a bit more to your kids is doing them more harm than good.

theres absolutely nothing wrong with that at all and i'm sure others would agree Fbaby, but similarly there are parents who just don't have the means to do that right now, even though they are working to provide for their family.

margaretclare

I haven't read through the whole of this thread, but here's my fourpence. It may/may not be relevant, because I grew up in a different age. I grew up in the direst poverty, poverty which is not seen now. But I grew up warm, well-clothed, cared for and loved. This was all down to the hard work of the adults in the family. It wasn't until many years later that I realised I'd actually grown up in poverty.

OP, you are giving your children all that you can, all that you see as essential.

I understand your dilemmas and difficulties when your children come home with 'so-and-so is going to Disneyland/has the latest spin-offs from Disney films/goes to....' etc etc.

As regards gymnastics, DH is still in touch with the daughter of his second ex. That daughter is the mum of 2 world-class gymnasts. Not only their talent, commitment and hard work but hers as well. It has cost her huge amounts of time, money and effort. Getting them to gym practice before school very early in the morning, then to school, then more gym practice after school, then homework...And the travel, for competitions. I don't think I could have done it.

I think the Disney organisation has a lot to answer for. The most recent film, many parents can't get 'That Song' out of their heads. And the 'princess' dresses, and all the other must-haves.

I feel very sorry for parents nowadays. But, nevertheless, you say you can make ends meet. Just. This is one of life's most essential lessons to learn. An awful lotta people just cannot make ends meet and in many cases it's not because of inadequate income, but simply mismanagement. If you can teach your children this important life lesson then you'll have given them one of the most important of skills. And a sense of values. What is important and what is not. Many of the 'must-haves' are just ephemeral and unimportant in the long-term. They are just there to make money for someone by taking money from those who can least afford it. Mr Disney isn't necessarily my favourite man, but he isn't the only one.

scooby088

Being on a low income doesnt make you a bad person, i do think sometimes that children thinks money grows on trees and really should be taught to know that they cant have everything they want.

vroombroom

scooby088 wrote: »

Being on a low income doesnt make you a bad person, i do think sometimes that children thinks money grows on trees and really should be taught to know that they cant have everything they want.

This.

Both OH and I come from affluent backgrounds (holidays, latest clothes etc etc) but we both had our lives stopped abruptly by situations out of our control. For me, it was my parents splitting up so the Orlando holiday home was sold and I had to get three jobs to help my mam pay the mortgage. For OH, his parents' business went bust and they had to sell their beautiful house and the luxury cars.

As a result this has made us more resourceful as adults. We live within our means. If we can't afford it, we save up for it. We both work incredibly hard (I have two jobs, OH works 50/60 hours a week) and for the last few years before our son starts school, we have enjoyed two holidays a year.

BUT we are trying to teach our son he can't have everything he wants. He goes to swimming lessons but comes home from preschool saying Jayden has this and Mark has that, I want it, I want this I want that etc. He says the same in shops too. He kicks off and moans, does he get it? No, lol.
I work in a supermarket so a lot of mine and my son's clothes comes from there! x

I think people have different variations of poverty. Not being able to afford food or clothes or pay bills is poverty to me x

GwylimT

Children don't need the latest toys and holidays abroad, if a parent thinks a child needs those things to be happy and do well there is something seriously wrong.

Ours always know they are more than welcome to ask, but the answer will likely be no, merely because they don't need it, or because they already have a similar toy which is barely played with.

I remember when my son started sixth form he had been dropping hints that he would like to go on a holiday, he found a few deals, the cheapest being £500, I pretty much laughed at him. He soon realised I wasn't going to pay for it so while he was job hunting he also did things like washing cars, cutting lawns, walking dogs etc for some extra money.

During his childhood I could have done things like buy him an N64, but it is better for him to work towards it and he appreciated it more. As an adult he is very good with money, at 23 he purchased his own house, because unlike his friends who were renting expensive apartments he rented a small bedsit, sold his car and saved every penny he had.

GoldenShadow

FBaby wrote: »

I don't think this is related to the fact that they received treats though. My kids are very aware and appreciative of what they receive. My 15DD told me just yesterday that she felt bad for american parents because it wasn't right that they should pay for their kids university fees and that at least in the UK, students could take on loans and repay them themselves when they started working. Ok, a bit of a simplistic view, but still a mature one for a 15yo who already has a notion of financial self-reliance.

My parents did make the mistake of never talking money to me, so although I did appreciate the treats they were able to afford, I never realised that some of them might have come with sacrifices. I didn't have a clue of the value of anything. I learnt the hard way when I turned 20, but in a way, it wasn't a bad thing either.

I really don't think that kids who grow up in poorer families forcibly become those more money savy.

As I said 'there might be more to it than that', but I was describing those I know who are at the opposite end of the spectrum to the OP. You are obviously not at the opposite end if your children are able to value things, but sadly, I know an awful lot who have an awful lot and have come to expect it, struggling to understand when bank of Ma and Pa can't stretch anymore.

I'm sure most of us would love to be well off enough to give the kids lots of treats and be able to have them value it as yours do, but from those I know, I think you are a minority in that, which probably encourages my view on the subject some more.

missindecisive

My husband really did grow up in poverty. He had cardboard in the soles of his shoes and not much food. There was no heating in the house and it was overcrowded. This was back in the days before tax credits etc.
He never went to the dentist. He never received any help with school work, nor any encouragement to achieve anything. His father worked full time but in poorly paid job and his mother was a non achiever spending any spare money at the bingo or on fags. He was never encouraged to read a book or actually do anything positive. The families life was reclusive due to the poor state of the house the mother discouraged visitors.
This was extreme poverty in my opinion. There were no milk vouchers, no free school meals, no decent meals at home, no tax credits, no parental support. I don't think your life is like this op. Yes you'd like them to have a little more, but you are doing to your best for them , and you are giving them something special already..a lot of kids don't even have that. One of the best things you can give a child is your time and love and your support. New phones, fancy clothes andfancy hols are all irrelevant.

justme111

FBaby wrote: »

I think i understand what mean when you don't join the chorus of other posters saying money is not important. Money can be an aid in showing children what they feel is important to us parents. Because a particular thing ( clothes , trip , gadget )IS important to a child a parent dismissing it and saying "no it is not important " can be viewed by a child as disregard to his feeling :"what you feel is wrong" but they don't stop feeling what they do. Parent not listening to them is translated as disregard. So getting a child what he badly wants despite parent disagreeing can show that parent respects his feelings and is powerful in sending a message that he is important and hence helping with self esteem.