How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

Elinore

Hi all.

I thought i would come back and say thank you once again for your kind words.

My mum has always been a bit negative, cold and materialistic. Its just the way she is. She has let me down a number of times over the years and i always choose to take the high ground to save a fight.

Its hard to argue with someone who regardless of the situation thinks thy are in the right and to some degree i have kind of given up and let things slide in regards to repeated poor treatment.

I think I need to take some time out and step back as she has also taken to leaning on me to do things for her, pick things up and generally run around after her (ps this is not because she cant do these things but because she is used to other people running around and picking up after her) she's one of those people that ask you a small favour and then three weeks later you realise shes running you ragged and has you day filled with things to get or do your her and you are worried you will upset her... and you had no idea how you let her get you in that position!

So, i will let her phone call go more to the ansafone than I pick up. That way i get less hassle without getting into a fight about reducing contact.

rainbowfairydust

Elinore wrote: »

Hi all.

I thought i would come back and say thank you once again for your kind words.

My mum has always been a bit negative, cold and materialistic. Its just the way she is. She has let me down a number of times over the years and i always choose to take the high ground to save a fight.

Its hard to argue with someone who regardless of the situation thinks thy are in the right and to some degree i have kind of given up and let things slide in regards to repeated poor treatment.

I think I need to take some time out and step back as she has also taken to leaning on me to do things for her, pick things up and generally run around after her (ps this is not because she cant do these things but because she is used to other people running around and picking up after her) she's one of those people that ask you a small favour and then three weeks later you realise shes running you ragged and has you day filled with things to get or do your her and you are worried you will upset her... and you had no idea how you let her get you in that position!

So, i will let her phone call go more to the ansafone than I pick up. That way i get less hassle without getting into a fight about reducing contact.

I am so sorry for what has happened - no wonder you are hurt. I would be too..in fact i would be utterly devastated if my mum acted in this way.

A previous poster has suggested sending an email to her telling her she can keep the money. I would most likely do the same thing - i wouldnt want the money back when it was given to her out of love and kindness.

If this was me i would cut contact - there is enough poison in the world without family members adding to the equation. You dont need this in your life. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship, and the house then move on.

Talk to your husband about how you feel. Talking helps to relieve some of the pain inside, and allow your brain to process what has happened.

Keeping your feelings inside will be toxic.

justme111

It is being shortchanged by your mother, the closest person that hurts. I dont think there is anything more damaging than feeling one's mother does not care. Or realising that your mother does not have sound mind. Plus dashed hopes. When one sees a miracle and then realises it was a mirage one feels 20 times worse. Of course your hubby sees it differently- it is not his mother who done it to you two. I utterly disagree with people who suggest you invoice her for money u spent on her - it will not make you feel any better. I think trying to understand her rationale ans forgiving her is tge way. Just have read your following posts - I see. I think you got it very right - distancing without all drama and rows is ideal. Not in an attempt to change her , blackmail her , "show her". Just to protect ur sanity and your DH. Wishing you to be happy where you are as years down the line in your own home you may look back at this time and think how good it was x

pelirocco

ringo_24601 wrote: »

In the opening post

Apologies tho still had to read it a few times before I spotted it lol

FatVonD

I'd definitely be asking for the car back that you paid for, even if you don't do it in a confrontational way (more 'fab, you're getting a new car, can I have the old one') so you can sell it to start off your house fund

I think she should give you the rest you paid out back too but if she doesn't then take delight in boosting your house fund with an extra tenner on Mother's Day and her birthday while gifting her something from the pound shop

meritaten

OMG! what a descipable woman!
I would be sorely tempted to send her a letter saying:


Dear Mother
You are quite right when you say ‘I will await a request for the monies you gifted to me to be paid back, that’s what people do when they choose money over a relationship. You will take a selfless wonderful deed and sour it over one thing... money’
I seem to have inherited YOUR moneygrabbing gene, so you really shouldn't complain.
Please find enclosed a breakdown of the monies you defrauded from us by pleading poverty and not disclosing your lovely 'windfall'.
I expect these to be repaid in full or will take the matter further.
Your daughter




Jeez, I wouldn't be sorely tempted - if MY mother did that to me I would send it!

Pollycat

Elinore wrote: »

Hi all.

I thought i would come back and say thank you once again for your kind words.

My mum has always been a bit negative, cold and materialistic. Its just the way she is. She has let me down a number of times over the years and i always choose to take the high ground to save a fight.

Its hard to argue with someone who regardless of the situation thinks thy are in the right and to some degree i have kind of given up and let things slide in regards to repeated poor treatment.

I think I need to take some time out and step back as she has also taken to leaning on me to do things for her, pick things up and generally run around after her (ps this is not because she cant do these things but because she is used to other people running around and picking up after her) she's one of those people that ask you a small favour and then three weeks later you realise shes running you ragged and has you day filled with things to get or do your her and you are worried you will upset her... and you had no idea how you let her get you in that position!

So, i will let her phone call go more to the ansafone than I pick up. That way i get less hassle without getting into a fight about reducing contact.

Elinore
You're obviously a better woman than me as I wouldn't have been so understanding.

It sounds like your mother needs you more than you need her and, if it were me, I would certainly make her work very hard indeed to get me to do even the slightest thing for her - especially as you say it's not a case of her not being capable but more expecting people to run around for her.

I still think she's a pretty nasty excuse for a Mother.

Hope_Love_and_Charity

Hi Elinore, there is good advice from Pollycat and others who say 'make your mum work very hard indeed.' This would possibly work if the person involved were the sort to reflect on their behaviour but I'm guessing your mother isn't that kind of person.
She does seem to be demonstrating certain characteristics of a Narcissistic Mother. Search some of the posts on here and on the internet. Only you will know if it rings any bells. One of the main traits of people with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is lack of empathy. They are expert manipulators and can twist and turn, emotionally, in all directions. You might just have a light bulb moment. I did with my sister.

CathA

I very rarely comment on issues such as this, but I'm breaking the mould here!!

Nothing is worse than your parents (especially your mother) letting you down. After my mother died, issues came to light that I won't go into, but suffice to say it's ruined my memories of my mum, changed the relationship I have with my dad and caused a family upset that even now I (and my sister) are very bitter about.

I would send her a bill for the money that you have given her, though I don't expect you'd get it back. People may say family is family, let sleeping dogs lie etc etc, but sometimes you have to distance yourself. Just because you are blood doesn't mean you have to put up with them. Good luck and no, it's not you who needs a good kick up the bum!!

Elinore

I thought I would update this thread as things have changed a bit.

My OH and I have been saving like things possessed – working overtime, second jobs and pruned the household budget to the bone. Finally we managed to get a decent deposit (we had some bonuses, a job change and some PPI stuff back that greatly contributed)

So we are currently in the final stages of buying a little house!

My mother got herself a boyfriend, they were a volatile couple – totally loved up or huge fights/screaming matches/police being called/jealousy/histrionics both spent money like water and drank like fishes. They were on a total high together – and loved the drama. Dashing off to 5 star places foreign, days out at the races, romps on super yachts. We tried to discuss this with her but she was loving it, loving being in the whirlwind – enjoying the attention and drama. She knew what was going on but it was like she was in total denial. They basically burned through all their money and then a few months ago he just told her ‘Adios, it’s been fun’

She rang me yesterday to announce that she had no choice but to sell her house. As she was lonely, had no one by her (she managed to royally pee off her few friends with her behaviour during her romance – she was so in your face about how awesome her life was and by association theirs was just SO dull - I personally think she’s to embarrassed to see them again) Shehas decided that she will be moving down near us.

As the words ‘but you know with house prices down here you couldn’t afford a house, right?’ came out of my mouth I realised what was coming - Cue the ‘sudden’ bright idea to move in with us. With a long list of ‘why this was a great idea’.

I, without hesitation, put my foot down and said no unequivocally.

It seems she was genuinely shocked by this and never thought in a million years i would say no.

So of course she’s emailed all the family today with how she was led astray by this man, this professional fraudster, who duped a vulnerable little old lady (she’s 58) out of her life savings - spent all her money and then the person she thought she could rely on, her very own daughter, would see her homeless blah blah.

So today after repeated (unanswered) calls from my grandparents, aunts and cousins. I have pulled out the landline/switched off my mobile and putting my temper to good use scrubbing and packing!