How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

lulu_92

Pollycat wrote: »

Just been flicking through what's on tv (I can't do my ironing without something to watch) and caught of glimpse of this:

Get her on that - he'll smell out her petty lies in a flash.

That's exactly what I was thinking when I read this!

So sorry to read all of this OP. She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Has she ever shown similar behaviour before? I wouldn't be surprised if she was like this before the divorce, judging by the inheritance it sounds like her ex husband was financially comfortable?

FBaby

OP, what's the background behind this? Surely if your mother could act so callously, it is not the first time she has let you down?

Could your partner be feeling frustrated because from his perspective, he never really believed your mum was going to give you that money and he is annoyed that you still believe in her promises when she always let you down?

ALI1973

How very spiteful. Well done for not getting angry with her, but maybe this is why you feel so sad because you are holding all your disappointment at your mother inside?

Personally, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of asking for the money back, BUT I would email and say that "no we do not expect you to repay the "gifts" we made as we gave them out of love, but it is very disappointing that when you are very aware of our financial situation, that you have chosen not only to renegade on a promise to help us fulfill our dream, but more importantly that YOU would chose not to repay the gifts despite knowing that you didn't need the money when you accepted it. So really, it would not be us that is choosing money over family at all. In any event, we are not expecting you to do the right thing, so no further disappointment will be had"

You may well still want a relationship, unfortunately, for me I would be distancing myself now. Fool me once...............

Perhaps, now you have at least raised the issue you will start to feel better?

Mojisola

ALI1973 wrote: »

How very spiteful. Well done for not getting angry with her, but maybe this is why you feel so sad because you are holding all your disappointment at your mother inside?

Personally, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of asking for the money back, BUT I would email and say that "no we do not expect you to repay the "gifts" we made as we gave them out of love, but it is very disappointing that when you are very aware of our financial situation, that you have chosen not only to renegade on a promise to help us fulfill our dream, but more importantly that YOU would chose not to repay the gifts despite knowing that you didn't need the money when you accepted it. So really, it would not be us that is choosing money over family at all. In any event, we are not expecting you to do the right thing, so no further disappointment will be had"

You may well still want a relationship, unfortunately, for me I would be distancing myself now. Fool me once...............

Perhaps, now you have at least raised the issue you will start to feel better?

That's very passive aggressive!

z.n

Very sorry for you OP. You are not selfish for wanting your money back- and actually, many parents getting a windfall would be only too happy to help you with a deposit. So you are not at all unreasonable to be disappointed by that either.

My guess is that your husband is also fuming- who wouldn't be, but he has more realistic expectations of your mother who sounds a very unpleasant person. The good news is that at least you have not inherited her personality- and your OH was kind enough to support your desire to help her out. I suggest you focus on your own little unit and let your mum enjoy her riches in solitude. No point invoicing her or anything like that- it will just end up in a fight. Unless you are prepared to damage the relationship (such as it is, being apparently very one sided) permanently.

Your OH might also be trying to cheer you up-eg chin up old girl because he is upset you are so unhappy about something he can't fix- he cannot sort out your mum and he can't magic money out of thin air to give you the house you want. I think you need to have a real talk with him so that he understands the issue is your mum and not his failure to provide. Men can be funny creatures when their loved ones are unhappy.

Loz01

Elinore wrote: »

Her argument for accepting money during the period she was aware of the windfall was sheer oversight ‘I am a busy person’.

:eek: because its easy to forget you've had a massive financial windfall... what a p**staker! You're best off out of it, OP. I know she's your Mum, but blimey. Spiteful!

Pidge_jen

Gosh OP. Your mum seems pretty cold and a right manipulator. In fact, she sounds just like my mum's mum, who booked my mum an appointment in an abortion clinic with her much wanted second child (mum had miscarriages between me and my younger sibling which devastated her) because, in her words, "you won't spend as much on me and all your attention will be on the new child". Funnily enough, we haven't spoken to her for 18 years and I do have a younger sibling, no thanks to her. Luckily my mum is the polar opposite but I do feel for you. I don't think you're being irrational to be upset, she dangled the carrot of home ownership then snatched it away. You had started to envisage a new life for yourself so to see that taken through no fault of your own must be devastating. I think your husband may have the measure of her and is probably trying to pretend he is ok cos he can see how crushed you are. At least you're not in her debt as I doubt she would ever stop reminding you that you should be grateful to her.
If this were my mum and she had behaved like this with me, taking money when it wasn't needed then trying to emotionally blackmail me into not asking for it back, I would cut her out and make her realise that not everything and everyone can be manipulated her way. Stay strong. :grouphug: have a dodgy looking group hug

bagpussbear

Your mum has come across as very cold in her response, no empathy as to how you are feeling as a result of her actions.

Has she always been like this?

Personally I wouldn't ask for the money back now, just let it go. And distance yourself for a while to figure out where you would like to go from here in your relationship with mum.

barbiedoll

I know it doesn't seem like it now but this really is a blessing in disguise.

Imagine if you had the money and bought the house. Now imagine a few years down the line, you're settled in, possibly with kids and/or pets, enjoying life in your own home.

Your mother runs out of cash and suddenly decides that she wants a return on her "investment". She could either demand to move in, or that you repay her the money. Even the best case scenario would probably mean endless digs about how you took her money, how ungrateful you are and how she owns half of your house, etc etc.

I'm torn on the idea of invoicing her, on one hand, you helped her out because you (mistakenly) thought she was skint. She wasn't, so she obtained your money under false pretenses. Yes, you should be entitled to it back! On the other hand, she's a selfish person who clearly likes having the balance of power that money brings, she would like nothing better than to turn this around and make you out to be a money-grabbing daughter who only cares about her mother's cash.

You, and we, know that you're better than that. Promise yourself that this is the final time that you'll be hoodwinked by her and perhaps have a good look on this forum for ways to save towards that deposit. The house that you have your heart set on obviously wasn't meant to be. Mourn for it and then move on. You have the love of your partner and you're young with your life ahead of you. Your mother may have her cash but she's lost something much more valuable.

pelirocco

ringo_24601 wrote: »

She chose to accept money from you.. someone who can't even afford a deposit for a home, then she spent it on a fancy car rather than choose to help her family onto the property ladder...

THEN - it's your problem because you want the money you gave back; under a false assumption of your mothers inability to pay

Wow, your mum is a piece of work. Send her a fully itemised bill and tell her she's got 28 days to pay. She's good at getting other people's money - now it's your turn to do the same.

Where does it say she spent it on a fancy car ?