How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

izoomzoom

I'm a bit hurt by actions of my Mum too.

Over the last few months, she has said numerous times that she would give me some money to do some home improvements.

In the interim, I got various builders around and settled on a particular builder but had to tell him that I am waiting for the money.

However, now that the money has materialised and is in Mum's bank account, she hasn't said a word.

To top it, she came to stay with me and then misheard something I said and packed her bags and wanted to make her own way home (which, at her age I wouldn't want, so I had to drive her home, instead of going to work).

She has since phoned and apologised but I still feel upset by some of things she said to me (in her anger), and I have now written off getting the money. My Mum may just have forgotten, which I know is very different to your Mum's actions.

Hopefully as time goes by the upsetness (is there such a word?) will lessen.

Possession is 9/10th of the law. (Hugs)

good_advice

April Fool?
You were rather quick to spend some one else's money.
To much money always makes people unhappy.

snowleopard61

I can't imagine my parents having done such a thing in their lifetime, nor would I do it to either of my children. I'd be mortified to allow myself to be financially dependent on them, and if I were in a position to promise them anything, I'd make very sure of it before I actually told them so.

I also think there is something particularly visceral about the longing to have a home to call your own - for various reasons I first had a home of my own to live in in my late thirties, and it was something that mattered a lot to me. So yes, I can completely see why you feel as you do. Hopefully it will pass, but for now it's very understandable.

Pollycat

good_advice wrote: »

April Fool?
You were rather quick to spend some one else's money.
To much money always makes people unhappy.

Actually, I think it was the OP's Mother who was too quick to spend her daughter and son-in-law's money - when she had money of her own.

Have you even read the OP's post?

[Deleted User]

I think i'd be sending her an invoice for all the bills you've paid - since she was clearly able to pay them at the time.

Get that money back as you've "decided she didn't need financial assistance, and would like the money back you've lent her"

Of course you had a right to feel upset. You were promised something by a trusted parent; promised something that meant the world to you... then it was withdrawn because of a 'change of mind'. You probably need to have a good shout at her so she knows just how hurt you are.

vintagebrighton

Maybe part of your disappointment is not just about the house and the life you could see for your family, but that your mother has shown she isn't the person you thought she was? That sort of realisation causes a massive shift.....

(((Hugs)))

VB x

onlyroz

I think you need to have a talk with her and discuss the implications of her actions. It might be that she has a genuine reason for changing her mind - perhaps the money isn't as much as she hoped, or perhaps it's been gambled away on the horses, or perhaps it never existed at all. But it won't do you any good to sit at home and seethe over this without ever knowing the reasons. I'd start off with your disappointment over not being able to buy the house, and how you're now out of pocket over having to pay for surveys, solicitors etc, and perhaps a gentle reminder of the money you've given her over the years, and how you're upset that she continued to accept the money long after she no longer needed it.

fairy_lights

Promising money for something you desperately want and then just changing their mind is a horrible thing for a parent to do.
I'm currently buying my first house and most of my deposit is being gifted to me by my parents - if they changed their mind about it I would be devastated. I know it's their money to do as they want with but if they withdrew their offer now then buying a house, something I have been able to plan and dream about because of their offer would be completely out of my reach. I think it's very cruel to make promises that you can't keep.
Could it be that the windfall isn't as big as your mother expected it to be?

SandC

That sounds like a substantial windfall, do you not know the circumstances, where it came from etc?

To play devil's advocate here, could your mum be suffering from some mental health issues/depression triggered by the relationship breakdown? It seems her behaviour is rather erratic. Is this the kind of thing (I may call it being flaky/unreliable) that she has always done to a lesser extent or not?

I only say this to perhaps go some way to understanding that it hasn't been done out of pure selfishness, which of course it could be.

It does sound though like this has opened up to you what you really want in life which is a home of your own. I would be tempted to ask her to reimburse you for the bills you paid and the runaround and what money you were using to help her put it away and save, save, save for your own deposit.

System

I'd be fuming.... not cause she'd changed her mind but because you were paying her bills when you didnt need to.