How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

Pollycat

Elinore wrote: »

My mother has been going through a challenging time after an unexpected relationship breakdown where she came out financially carrying the can. So we have been paying some of her bills and bought her a car (only a cheap run around!) after her fancy one got repossessed.

About two months ago she announced out of the blue that she had had a rather large windfall a few months earlier (while we had still been paying her bills btw!) and after speaking to her financial advisor that as a thank you she would like to gift us a house deposit. We were flabbergasted as we have been stuck in the rent trap for years due to our location/jobs.

She assured me the windfall she had received would allow for her to gift this sum yet still be big enough to get her things she wanted (rebuying the same fancy car that got repossessed for example and pay for the house she bought outright)

My OH and I were ecstatic! We spoke to the bank, popped in for the interview and got the MIP almost immediately and went a looked at a house that was perfect for us. Made an offer and started to get the ball rolling.

Last week she casually called up and advised she had changed her mind.

Now to the point of my post.

I have been unbearably sad ever since. I just can’t shake this deep unhappiness it’s like small black cloud that follows me around. My OH thinks it’s because I can’t be properly angry with my mother as it’s her money and she has the right to change her mind.

He is baffled that I am this upset as in his eyes nothing changed, we had nothing before and we have nothing now. Whereas I feel like I am mourning the loss of an opportunity, to have a beautiful home that was ours, something we have always wanted but circumstances have conspired to place out of our reach.

It resulted in a bit of a row this week where I was told that I am moping about like a love sick teenager and I need to pull myself together. (to be fair to the OH he is truly baffled by this as I am a strong and resilient individual and the rock on our relationship) He pointed out I was genuinely less upset when I was diagnosed with cancer several years ago!

Anyone else ever been like this mourning something you never had and was never yours?

It's the bit in bold red that I found particularly awful - not to mention a potential indication of the OP's Mother's character.

OK, let's assume the Mother just changed her mind about gifting the money, although I can't see why she would do that as the OP says she would still have enough money to rebuy the same fancy car that got repossessed as well as pay for the house she bought outright.
We must be talking about a significant amount of money here.

If she had any decency - or regard for her daughter and son-in-law - at all, she would have gone to visit them, sat them down and dropped the bombshell face-to-face.
Not 'casually over the phone.

I would like to ask the OP a few questions:
Did you share the information about the house with your Mother? Did she know how excited you both were?
Was she aware how far you'd got with buying the house?

Because if she did know all that, and still pulled the rug from under you, she's even worse than I first thought after reading your post.

Elinore

Oh wow, Thank you all for coming back to me with your thoughts on the matter. I am glad that some people are able to see it my way too. It made me feel a little bit better.

I can see why my OH is confused at why it affected me so much and I agree with Fbaby (thank you) he had not reached the point of being so invested in the house as I had done all the running around and mentally moved in, if you will.

Due to phone issues (Rural locale with poor signal) I had an attempt at a non confrontational email exchange with my mother and mentioned ‘I am a bit upset that we are unable to move forward on the house, especially as we have dreamed of being home owners for such a long time’ whose response just dismissed the whole thing as me being ‘overly emotional about the whole thing and life is full of disappointments’ she also advised she was under no obligation to explain her change of her mind.

To those asking where the money came from it turns out the gentleman she divorced had a familial bereavement and had tried to hide the sizable inheritance until it came out in the very late stages of the proceedings. As they were married at the time it was half hers apparently. She was rather smug about this revelation as he had been pleading poverty and demanding all types of financial concessions during the mediations and hence the reason we had originally offered to help with bills and such.

Her argument for accepting money during the period she was aware of the windfall was sheer oversight ‘I am a busy person’. She was quite snippy about the whole thing and has now inferred that her suddenly having money has soured me to her and that jealousy is an ugly thing (and apparently it is my issue)

She then went on to say that ‘I will await a request for the monies you gifted to me to be paid back, that’s what people do when they choose money over a relationship. You will take a selfless wonderful deed and sour it over one thing... money’

So, that’s where we are at. She’s now angry and I am jealous, money grabbing as well as overly emotional. I feel so much better.

tea_lover

Wow. Just wow. She sounds a right charmer!

Elinore

Hi Pollycat,

"I would like to ask the OP a few questions:
Did you share the information about the house with your Mother? Did she know how excited you both were?
Was she aware how far you'd got with buying the house?"

Yes and no. I sent her a link to the house and advised that we had made an offer.

As its was a lovely house and my mum can be Jealous (oh the irony) my OH is of the opinion this is why she changed her mind.

PS i promise this is not an Aprils Fools thread

Pollycat

She received a sum of money large enough to buy a fancy car and pay for a house and continued accepting money from you because she was busy and forgot she had received the money....:rotfl:

Truly shocking, Elinore.

She is a selfish liar and one who thinks everybody lese is stupid compared to her.

If my Mother had treated me with the same arrogance, disdain and lack of feeling as yours has done, I would not be having anything to do with her.

Leave her to her money, it is no substitute for a loving relationship with a daughter.
She will come to realise that but it may be too late.

I hope you can make your husband realise why you feel as you do, perhaps show him this thread because you have pretty much unanimous support.

I wish you well.

fiscalfreckles

I think you have been very badly let down, and have every right to be disappointed and upset. If it were me, I would be more upset by the behaviour of my mum than the 'gift' (or not) - I think both she and your OH are looking at this rather coldly as an issue about money, when it is also about trust and your relationship with your mother.
Sounds like your OH is less surprised by her actions than you are though, maybe she has been thoughtless in the past?

System

Elinore wrote: »

Oh wow, Thank you all for coming back to me with your thoughts on the matter. I am glad that some people are able to see it my way too. It made me feel a little bit better.

I can see why my OH is confused at why it affected me so much and I agree with Fbaby (thank you) he had not reached the point of being so invested in the house as I had done all the running around and mentally moved in, if you will.

Due to phone issues (Rural locale with poor signal) I had an attempt at a non confrontational email exchange with my mother and mentioned ‘I am a bit upset that we are unable to move forward on the house, especially as we have dreamed of being home owners for such a long time’ whose response just dismissed the whole thing as me being ‘overly emotional about the whole thing and life is full of disappointments’ she also advised she was under no obligation to explain her change of her mind.

To those asking where the money came from it turns out the gentleman she divorced had a familial bereavement and had tried to hide the sizable inheritance until it came out in the very late stages of the proceedings. As they were married at the time it was half hers apparently. She was rather smug about this revelation as he had been pleading poverty and demanding all types of financial concessions during the mediations and hence the reason we had originally offered to help with bills and such.

Her argument for accepting money during the period she was aware of the windfall was sheer oversight ‘I am a busy person’. She was quite snippy about the whole thing and has now inferred that her suddenly having money has soured me to her and that jealousy is an ugly thing (and apparently it is my issue)

She then went on to say that ‘I will await a request for the monies you gifted to me to be paid back, that’s what people do when they choose money over a relationship. You will take a selfless wonderful deed and sour it over one thing... money’

So, that’s where we are at. She’s now angry and I am jealous, money grabbing as well as overly emotional. I feel so much better.

She's a cow

Pollycat

Just been flicking through what's on tv (I can't do my ironing without something to watch) and caught of glimpse of this:

Get her on that - he'll smell out her petty lies in a flash.

SandC

Gosh, well that's awful. Just awful. :mad:

[Deleted User]

She chose to accept money from you.. someone who can't even afford a deposit for a home, then she spent it on a fancy car rather than choose to help her family onto the property ladder...

THEN - it's your problem because you want the money you gave back; under a false assumption of your mothers inability to pay

Wow, your mum is a piece of work. Send her a fully itemised bill and tell her she's got 28 days to pay. She's good at getting other people's money - now it's your turn to do the same.