How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

Elinore

My mother has been going through a challenging time after an unexpected relationship breakdown where she came out financially carrying the can. So we have been paying some of her bills and bought her a car (only a cheap run around!) after her fancy one got repossessed.

About two months ago she announced out of the blue that she had had a rather large windfall a few months earlier (while we had still been paying her bills btw!) and after speaking to her financial advisor that as a thank you she would like to gift us a house deposit. We were flabbergasted as we have been stuck in the rent trap for years due to our location/jobs.

She assured me the windfall she had received would allow for her to gift this sum yet still be big enough to get her things she wanted (rebuying the same fancy car that got repossessed for example and pay for the house she bought outright)

My OH and I were ecstatic! We spoke to the bank, popped in for the interview and got the MIP almost immediately and went a looked at a house that was perfect for us. Made an offer and started to get the ball rolling.

Last week she casually called up and advised she had changed her mind.

Now to the point of my post.

I have been unbearably sad ever since. I just can’t shake this deep unhappiness it’s like small black cloud that follows me around. My OH thinks it’s because I can’t be properly angry with my mother as it’s her money and she has the right to change her mind.

He is baffled that I am this upset as in his eyes nothing changed, we had nothing before and we have nothing now. Whereas I feel like I am mourning the loss of an opportunity, to have a beautiful home that was ours, something we have always wanted but circumstances have conspired to place out of our reach.

It resulted in a bit of a row this week where I was told that I am moping about like a love sick teenager and I need to pull myself together. (to be fair to the OH he is truly baffled by this as I am a strong and resilient individual and the rock on our relationship) He pointed out I was genuinely less upset when I was diagnosed with cancer several years ago!

Anyone else ever been like this mourning something you never had and was never yours?

pinkshoes

I think you are right to be p*ssed off.

You helped your mum out when she really needed it, then when she came into some money she agreed to help you, but then reneged on her word.

At the very least I would be asking her to pay back the money youo"lent" her.

Are you sure this money exists and she isn't taking out a loan to buy a fancy car???

burnoutbabe

I think you are just very disappointed and let down by your mum and can't put it into words.

She lied to you, about gifting you money PLUS let you pay for stuff when she had the money anyway. if this was a completely new way of acting for her, then your opinion of her will change somewhat in a bad way.

ViolaLass

Did she explain why she changed her mind? If it was because she realised that she couldn't live on the sum left over, I would understand.

bagpussbear

Yes I would be angry about this situation.

You helped pay the bills when actually there appeared to be a sum of money she kept quiet about. You've been taken advantage of here I think.

And then to promise you this windfall and to change her mind, is hurtful.

You are sad because you had hopes which have now been dashed.

I think you need to have a chat with your mum, and tell her how hurt you are. There may be good reasons she had to change her mind, and if so this hopefully will make you feel better and move on.

If not, then you need to explain how let down you feel.

Jagraf

I have a good relationship with my mum but sometimes she does things that upset me. When she does that and I can't see a logical explanation for Her behaviour, I feel sad too.

I think I would feel the same as you.

enthusiasticsaver

I would never do that to either of my daughters and I think you are quite right to be annoyed and hurt. Has your mum explained why she changed her mind? I would confront her and tell her that on the basis of her promise you had found a house you loved and are really disappointed you will now not be able to buy it. Also point out you had been helping her with bills, car etc and at the very least she could reimburse you with that unless she has a very good reason for reneging on her promise.

FBaby

Did she know that you had made an offer on the house? Did she think you misunderstood what she told you? It sounds like a nasty thing to do unless she had a very good reason to do so or didn't realise how far along your dream you were.

Of course you can grieve and be highly saddened by losing what you think you were going to get. This is why miscarriages, even very early in pregnancy, can be devastating. You allowed yourself to believe it was going to happen and built an image of what your new life would be, so you really lost it, whereas your partner probably never got to that stage, so going back to where you were is not a big shift for him.

I think you need to let your mum know how it has affected you. She made the decision to take away a promise from you, she deserves to know how much this is hurting you and deal with the consequences.

Pollycat

Do you know why she changed her mind?

TBH, I would be bloody furious with my Mother if she had allowed me to pay her bills and buy her a car whilst keeping quiet about having what must be a decent windfall - let alone to have offered to gift me some money towards a house then changed her mind - unless she had a very good reason for that change of mind.

I disagree with your husband - something has changed, you have lost something.
You were given expectations that you would be able to buy a house and that has now been snatched from you.
You found a perfect house - your mother has taken that house from you.

It would have been different if you'd asked her to give you the money but she offered to gift it to you.

If your mother has given no reason for this change of mind, I would ask her.
I would tell her how hurt you feel - after helping her out financially when you thought she had problems, about her accepting money from you when she had what is probably a significant sum hidden way that she chose not to tell you about, about promising you a gift and then changing her mind.

Of course it's her money - but she should not have made the promise if she didn't intend to make the gift.

There's only one person who needs a kick up the rear and it's not the one who started this thread.

Your mother sounds supremely selfish - I know, I have one like that too - and I would be seriously questioning any on-going relationship I had with her.

aileth

I think he needs to appreciate it's not a case of viewing it as you had nothing then and have nothing now, your mum royally took the p*ss when she knew she had this money and you were paying for her, and then took the p*ss even more by withdrawing what was effectively a gift in kind for you helping her out. It's like a stab in the back.

Has she not even offered to pay you back for everything you bought her and helped her with?

tea_lover

I would be absolutely furious. Not about the house so much (not in itself) but about being taken advantage of by my Mum. Yes it's her money and of course she can do what she wants with it, but she seems to have been happy to take yours while not even really needing it.

I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive that.