How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

Brighton_belle

OP, there are many of us posters on here in our 50' and 60's (and beyond) who work, sort our own housing issues/maintenance, start new hobbies, go on holiday on our own, start new businesses. 58 is not remotely old, stop treating your mum like someone of 85.
You are enabling her behavior I'm afraid. I know it is hard when you have the history you do with her, but the misery you are about to experience from January, is going to be entirely of your own making I am afraid. I say such possibly harsh sounding things purely out of the same despair as other posters, seeing you walk into ghastly situation which will bring nothing good to your life and suck you dry financially and emotionally.
I can only say again, 58 is young.

Top_Girl

Jesus Christ woman, grow a backbone and say no or be prepared to lose everything.

And I'm holding back here.

You complain about her behaviour, yet you facilitate it, you enable her.

She is the parent, not you.

She has two months to find somewhere to live. You have two months to ensure this happens or you're back to square one, with the added bonus of your family thinking you actually owe her.

Stoodles

Please don't do it


You have listed all the emotions you are experiencing now. All but one is a logical, realistic way to feel
"Angry at me for allowing her here,
angry at her for not being a grown up,
sad that she's so alone,
worried because she's such a negative and chaotic person and thats coming into our lives after i fought so hard to distance us from it,
irritated that she chooses to be passive in her life and take no responsibility for her actions,
resentful that once again she's being palmed off on me by the rest of the family like an untrained and unwanted puppy after Christmas."

The only thing you shouldn't be feeling is

"guilty as she's on her own lonely and sad,
guilty that i feel so negatively towards her. "

She is on her own because she created that situation. You didn't make her "negative and chaotic, passive" or not grown up, or unable to take responsibility. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. Please don't bring that into your daily life.

Smodlet

The OP says her mother manipulates her... What do you all think she is trying to do to us? Elicit our sympathy, maybe? Maybe she is more her mother's daughter than she thinks. She is an adult. She can make her own choices.

Mojisola

Smodlet wrote: »

The OP says her mother manipulates her... What do you all think she is trying to do to us? Elicit our sympathy, maybe? Maybe she is more her mother's daughter than she thinks. She is an adult. She can make her own choices.

I don't read it like that. Someone who has been in an abusive relationship - and this mother/daughter relationship is abusive - loses touch with what most people would consider normal.

Abused people often keep on going back to the abuser because they've been taught that they are to blame for everything that's wrong and that, if they just behaved better, the abuser won't have to be nasty.

I can't understand why the OP's husband hasn't stepped in to support her and said straight out that he's not going to have his MIL in the house.

seven-day-weekend

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't read it like that. Someone who has been in an abusive relationship - and this mother/daughter relationship is abusive - loses touch with what most people would consider normal.

Abused people often keep on going back to the abuser because they've been taught that they are to blame for everything that's wrong and that, if they just behaved better, the abuser won't have to be nasty.

I can't understand why the OP's husband hasn't stepped in to support her and said straight out that he's not going to have his MIL in the house.

Maybe he has

I hope she comes back and tells us her mother is NOT moving in, after all .

Pyxis

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Maybe he has

I hope she comes back and tells us her mother is NOT moving in, after all .

I am a bit concerned that we've not heard from her for a while....a couple of days/50 posts.

Elinore, are you all right? :A

chesky

You are colluding in her behaviour. STOP IT!
Time to choose between your mother and your husband.

seven-day-weekend

Just noticed this, posted by Pollycat. My husband says he can tick every one of the boxes for his relationship with his (long-deceased) mother.

Always suspected. Now we know. Thanks Pollycat.

Are You a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother?
Take This Brief Survey to Find Out.
Narcissism is a spectrum disorder with the most severe end of the spectrum considered a narcissistic personality disorder. A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality disorder. Mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways which is explained in Dr. McBride’s book.
(Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother)

When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?
Does your mother act jealous of you?
Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother"?
Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbours, friends, family, co-workers)?
Does your mother deny her own feelings?
Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions?
Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
Are you shamed often by your mother?
Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
Does your mother appear phony to you?
Does your mother want to control your choices?
Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood?
Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are?
Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
Does your mother compete with you?
Does your mother always have to have things her way?


Sorry for going OT.

jjgold

What are you going to do when she refuses to pay you any rent?