How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

Primrose

Elinore. Paddy,s mum has some wise words and if you have been reading these post are probably feeling overwhelmed at all these posters all advising the same thing. You're probably thinking " It,s easy to offer this advice when you don'5 have to walk in MY Shoes.

Well, I can only say that we suffered a not terribly dissimilar with another family relative on whom we ended up spending vast amounts of money. All I can tell you is that nothing ever changed for the better. Eventually we were forced to accept we were wasting our time and money and putting a valued marriage under severe strain. So we blocked our phone and walked away. And in time, when the stress and strain if it all lessened we realised how close to the precipice we had come.

So do please have a quiet think, gird up your loins and find the courage to bite the bullet now before this situation causes you, further down the line to stand there and look at the wreckage of what has become your life.

Archergirl

Oh Hun, I have just read this thread from the start, Please step away from the mother.......
Elinore: Just a thought....... But if your husband was to refuse to have her to stay (and I've no idea if he would do something like that), it may help as you could say "well I'm standing with my husband over this, it's his home too & we're a partnership" - and just then stick to the broken record type of answering, no, she can't come and stay???

This is a good idea. Try to find her a place to stay if it will ease your conscious but please don't let her move in.You have no reason to feel guilt you are being used. x

Caroline_a

Just a thought OP - what reaction would you get if you said to your mother 'oh it'll be great if you move in as we're intending starting a family and you can look after the children while I work...'.

My gut feeling is that she'd run a mile. Am I right?

Smodlet

I want to thank you all for your understanding, really, I do.

I did not say it was easy, quite the opposite, in fact. It was not really until I met my wonderful OH that I began to realise I might actually have the capacity for happiness. Was my mother pleased for me? Was she, hell! All she cared about was that I might have better things to do than be at her beck and call all the time.

My sister, with whom I have nothing in common except blood, was exempt because she had a man and a child. The fact that I worked full time and had no transport, while she and her OH did nothing all day, every day and each had their own transport seemed to make no difference to the relatives at all. I had nothing better to do, did I? I was being sucked dry.

I did not cut off all contact with my mother but saw her on my terms instead of hers. She learned to enquire if we had plans before asking us to go and see her. She only ever showed her nice side to my OH so, despite everything I told him, he had a very unrealistic view of her for some time. I think he realised eventually that I was not exaggerating, especially as my sister told him the same things after she (mother, not sister) died. I cried then and at her funeral but afterwards, all I can honestly say I felt was relief.

That Narcissistic List? I was horrified at how many points I could tick.

I do wish Elinore well but the fact remains, her fate is in her hands and no-one else's, not even her OH's. If it is not already too late, I hope she sees the light before it is.

societys_child

Back to the beginning (remember she had money but took the Elinores' handouts)

Mothers life as she knows it, is coming to an end, so offers Elinore money for a deposit. This is subsequently rescinded. We all think !!!!!!?

Why? It's now become painfully obvious. The only reason money was offered was to guilt-trip Elinore into housing her. She didn't want to be alone and needs someone to keep her and fetch and carry . .

The obvious reason for her change of heart, was that Plan B came along in the shape of a new mark. A much better prospect.
Unfortunately for her, Plan B has now either woken up or run out of money - or both.

So again. she's now worrying who is going to keep her in the life to which she's accustomed, pay for her, run around after her, skivvy for her . . .

And so she's now gone back to Plan A , and again she's lying about giving the money. Unbelievable.

It's obvious, the offer of money in the first place was to secure her own future, not Elinore's.

What a calculating %*!(**& . .

Scrimps

-taff wrote: »

Actually, she has been back, she probably has read all this.

Hi Elinore, I just wanted to pop by and apologise for all my underlining, capital letters, and bolding of the typeface. When ive read back what I wrote I cringed - in fairness Im on a lot of cocodamol at the moment, but i also have a over-zealous nature

I think with all the messages you got it been quite overwhelming if you feel you're painted into a corner.

If you really feel that you have no other option then that is your call, only you can make the decision. The difficulty with putting our hurts out there is the advice we're given, for one reason or another, we dont feel we can follow can lead to being rebuked and the 'i told you so's'.

I dont think it is the right move to let your mother move in, but that is your call and not mine, nor anyone elses to make.

IF, you feel that you have no other option but to let her move in, then there have been some useful coping strategies indicated in this thread: Ground rules, being firm, being honest with your family about what actually happened re the money etc. Standing up for yourself and utilising your husbands support, thinking about exit strategies,money up front with very clear consequences if either party breaks the rules, a time frame for when/how your mother will move on - getting your family involved in this - she cant just wait for the next man. Getting some external support in the way of counselling - some CBT to address the thought process and dynamics attached to your mother. (seriously, look into transactional analysis - its astonishing when we see what roles we take in relationships). If all else fails, kicking her out, changing your number and cutting yourself off secure in the knowledge that you have done your best but you have to look after yourself.

I do hope you dont let her move in and do look for another option, there really are other and I dont want you to give up.

However, I dont want you to feel that you cant come back and ask for further support just because you havent followed the chorus of voices giving you the advice to not let her in to your home and have to deal with the fallout. We all get ourselves into situations even when everyone else is telling us/we can hear the 'CHOO-CHOO' of the train crash heading our way.

Above all, whatever your decision, I think you should be honest and clear/firm with your family and your mother as to the hurt that her lies have caused you and the distress of the expectations they have placed on you.

Good luck, and remember, everything will be OK in the end, if its not OK, then its not then end.

paddy's_mum

Scrimps wrote: »

I dont want you to feel that you cant come back and ask for further support just because you havent followed the chorus of voices giving you the advice

Seconded!

I would be proud to hear from you because if we don't create a situation in which to be heard, what on earth are we all doing here except letting off a load of self-important hot air.

Personally, I hope and believe that the things I, and others, say help and support someone, even though most of us rarely hear that anything is of value to someone reading.

Isn't this "love thy neighbour" (which tenet is enshrined in most religions/creeds/doctrines in the world, now and yesterday) what most decent people are aiming for?

seven-day-weekend

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Seconded!

I would be proud to hear from you because if we don't create a situation in which to be heard, what on earth are we all doing here except letting off a load of self-important hot air.

Personally, I hope and believe that the things I, and others, say help and support someone, even though most of us rarely hear that anything is of value to someone reading.

Isn't this "love thy neighbour" (which tenet is enshrined in most religions/creeds/doctrines in the world, now and yesterday) what most decent people are aiming for?

Thirded. PLease don't leave yourself with no support or outlet.

Malthusian

Primrose wrote: »

The worst case scenario is that the mother ends up with having made no NI contributions so gets no state pension, spends any house savings and when she dies, doesn't even have the money to pay her funeral expenses. That is a pretty scary prospect.

Scary for whom? Not the OP. The mother will not starve as Pension Credit still exists and guarantees a minimum level of income even if you have zero State Pension. And there is more support for the homeless than there has ever been. If she dies penniless, the state will provide a public health funeral. The OP will not be liable.

Primrose

Yes I realise that but it seems that OP's mother will still play her victim card and OP sounds an honourable person who will still have a conscience which her mother is almost certainly going to squeeze to the utmost of her ability.