How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

badmemory

Elinore, I do hope that the reason you have not been back is not that our reaction has upset you. I don't think there is one person who has posted here who does not have your best interests at heart and that is unusual for any forum! If you do go ahead with having her live with you, you are going to need some support which I hope we will be generously spirited enough to provide.

Dealing with a manipulator is never going to be easy. I was in my mid 40s before I even realised what my parents were doing. Frankly only the final death totally released me (well almost). I do not want this for you.

pebbles88

Smodlet wrote: »

The OP says her mother manipulates her... What do you all think she is trying to do to us? Elicit our sympathy, maybe? Maybe she is more her mother's daughter than she thinks. She is an adult. She can make her own choices.

This isn't helpful to the op at all - how on earth does inferring that she may be may be exhibiting the same behavioural traits that her mother does going to do anything but make her feel worse. That isn't said from sympathy either - it's understanding & compassion.

I'm in agreement with Mojisola's statement below.

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't read it like that. Someone who has been in an abusive relationship - and this mother/daughter relationship is abusive - loses touch with what most people would consider normal.

Abused people often keep on going back to the abuser because they've been taught that they are to blame for everything that's wrong and that, if they just behaved better, the abuser won't have to be nasty.

I can't understand why the OP's husband hasn't stepped in to support her and said straight out that he's not going to have his MIL in the house.

As another poster pointed out, Elinore hasn't replied since she updated that she'd been backed into a corner, I do hope everything is ok & that her husband is supporting her.

Elinore: Just a thought....... But if your husband was to refuse to have her to stay (and I've no idea if he would do something like that), it may help as you could say "well I'm standing with my husband over this, it's his home too & we're a partnership" - and just then stick to the broken record type of answering, no, she can't come and stay???

I do think an honest email back to the 'family' confirming that she didn't help you with the house deposit, her statement that she was under no obligation to explain her change of mind to you, & that whilst you may be aware she will need help in January, you can't personally offer it - as you've said, you have a simple happy homelife, she will only cause problems as she manipulates both of you to get what she wants, & that you aren't prepared to chance your marriage & homelife for her.

Take care
Xx

Smodlet

I know all about abusive parents and family pressures... which is why my tolerance for any kind of crap is below sea level. You don't have to keep on putting up with it or going back for more when you are an adult, fgs! It is different when you are a child and have nowhere else to go but the OP has a house, a husband (for now) and a choice. Not all choices are easy to make but she, too is an adult and responsible for her own decisions. If she makes the wrong one, she has only herself to blame. I suspect she has disappeared because the sympathy is no longer universal.

seven-day-weekend

Smodlet wrote: »

I know all about abusive parents and family pressures... which is why my tolerance for any kind of crap is below sea level. You don't have to keep on putting up with it or going back for more when you are an adult, fgs! It is different when you are a child and have nowhere else to go but the OP has a house, a husband (for now) and a choice. Not all choices are easy to make but she, too is an adult and responsible for her own decisions. If she makes the wrong one, she has only herself to blame. I suspect she has disappeared because the sympathy is no longer universal.

But sometimes, if the damage has been done whilst you were unable to cope with it (e.g. because you were a child), you can get 'stuck' in that place and are never able to deal with it until someone shows you how. They don't know how, they don't know how to make the choice, or in many cases, don't realise they have one.

I'm glad that you have been able to make the break, not everyone in an abusive relationship is able to, without support and assistance.

-taff

Actually, she has been back, she probably has read all this.

I'm still voting for don't let her in your house though, my sympathies still lie with her and so do most of the posters....

If anyone who has been naysaying this here, what advice would you give a friend with the same problem? It wouldn't be anything like 'you've made your bed now lie in it' would it? If I had a friend in this predicament, I'd be telling them exactly the same thing i.e. let her live on her own in her own house under her own steam and responsible for herself for a change.

Trouble is, sometimes people can't see the wood for the emotional blackmail or their own pride.

Elinore wrote: »

I must remember that guilt is my kryptonite….and she knows it.

Just remember this!

Proxima_Centauri

I think, to be fair, OP has said that her mother can't rent because she has no income.. I would think though, that if the mother were to pay, say, a year's rent in advance out of her sales proceeds, a landlord would not object to that? But I don't know.

Pyxis

Proxima_Centauri wrote: »

I think, to be fair, OP has said that her mother can't rent because she has no income.. I would think though, that if the mother were to pay, say, a year's rent in advance out of her sales proceeds, a landlord would not object to that? But I don't know.

Or use the net sale proceeds to buy a small one-bedroom flat where she is at the moment?
If she has no income, what has she been living on recently?

People with no income go and look for a job, any job.

I suspect that she wants a free roof over her head so that she can spend the house sale proceeds to continue her lifestyle, and not have to worry about getting a job.

What's going to happen when that money runs out? What's going to happen when she reaches pension age and finds she hasn't paid enough contributions to warrant getting a full State Pension?
She'll be living off her daughter.

At least if she puts the sale proceeds back into a place to live, she'll have a roof over her head, and then she can look for a job.

I'm very scared for Elinore.

I put myself back into the hands of a manipulative mother, having escaped once, (not the same scenario as Elinore) and spent many years in abject misery, with depression and hitting the bottle, and like BadMemory, was only released from that misery on the mother's death.

pebbles88

Smodlet wrote: »

I know all about abusive parents and family pressures... which is why my tolerance for any kind of crap is below sea level. You don't have to keep on putting up with it or going back for more when you are an adult, fgs! It is different when you are a child and have nowhere else to go but the OP has a house, a husband (for now) and a choice. Not all choices are easy to make but she, too is an adult and responsible for her own decisions. If she makes the wrong one, she has only herself to blame. I suspect she has disappeared because the sympathy is no longer universal.

I'm pleased you made the break away. Alas not everyone can do the same - we all deal with things differently

Primrose

The worst case scenario is that the mother ends up with having made no NI contributions so gets no state pension, spends any house savings and when she dies, doesn't even have the money to pay her funeral expenses. That is a pretty scary prospect.

paddy's_mum

Elinore wrote: »

So today after repeated (unanswered) calls from my grandparents, aunts and cousins, I have pulled out the landline/switched off my mobile and putting my temper to good use scrubbing and packing!

I had a gut feeling that at sometime I had read that your "the family" was not a small one and although it took a bit of searching, I finally found the snippet I was looking for.

Elinore - given that there are, by simple arithmetic, at least 6 other people in this scenario (7 if you include your Dad who has already included himself in the intimidation of you) why are you being bludgeoned into a course of action that cannot be anything except damaging to you?

What cowards these people must be. They want no part of her but expect you to probably sacrifice everything so that they are free of any burden.

In your shoes, I'd be asking/expecting (nay, DEMANDING) that each of those people contribute £20 a week towards the Ma Fund so that she can afford to rent somewhere near you but not be in your own home.

I'd give a very great deal indeed to have your husband's phone number so that I could ring him up and [STRIKE]bully[/STRIKE] cajole him into putting his foot down and outright banning this looming disaster.

Please come on, if only to acknowledge that you've read these later posts, and reassure us that you are actually alright. Many of us are aware of the results of stress and anxiety and worry about the welfare of posters.

Thinking of you.