How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

ripplyuk

Elinore, please do not let her move in, at all, ever. Your mother is toxic and the stress will be never ending. Your marriage will suffer, and probably your own health eventually.

You have no chance of getting any rent from her, and she'll never leave unless she finds a new man or someone willing to pay everything for her. What will you do then? Much harder to get rid of her when she's already moved in.

I know you'll feel guilty saying no, and there'll be an uproar/dramatics/emotional blackmail from your mum and family. But that will be short term stress. Better than a lifetime of it.

Malthusian

Personally I would have refused contact but I have some admiration for the OP's decision to give her mother a dose of her own medicine. Revenge is a dish best solved cold. I definitely wouldn't resist the urge to use her delightful phrase "life is full of disappointments".

I assume that's what she is doing as if she is actually going to let the mother move in, words fail me.

Her house sale is to complete at the end of Jan and she genuinely has no where else to go -

Nonsense.

LannieDuck

If you're finding it hard to stand up to the pressure of your family, would your OH be willing to 'play the bad guy' and say no?

Person_one

Woah, I'd forgotten/missed some details in my previous reply! For some reason I thought your mother was being evicted because a rented house was being sold!

With sale proceeds and more than a month, there is absolutely no reason why a competent adult can't sort out somewhere to live. I know somebody who had to evacuate in the floods on Monday and they have already got a rental property arranged to move into next week! There are loads of them about and she has plenty of money to pay for one.

There is absolutely no need for you to take her in, and if you do it clearly will not be temporary as if she has no desire or motivation to sort somewhere to live now when she has plenty of time and options then why on earth would she ever sort somewhere? She'll have you running round after her in no time, she'll stop paying her rent and she'll refuse to leave, putting you in a seriously awkward position of having to have her physically removed.

DON'T DO IT!!!!!!

paddy's_mum

In absolute truth, I feel queasy! This is that awful feeling you get sometimes when watching a Breaking News report and you can see the disaster 'unfolding in front of your eyes'.

Elinore - how I wish your husband would throw the most almighty wobbly and flat out refuse so that you would be off the hook. You've only been in your much wanted and worked for new house for a couple of months and now this destroyer of peace is looming large on the horizon.

I know there is nothing anyone can do to alter your feelings but my heart aches for the misery that will soon be yours. Is it too late already for you to seek urgent counselling to learn how to dispel the guilt induced demons and stand up for the health and wellbeing of yourself AND your marriage.

System

.... Elinore what on earth will you do when she stops paying the rent youve told her she's got to pay because she has said she is broke?

helcat26

Please do not let her move in!
Find a nice place for her to rent at the same cost or less if she will need to sort bills. Devote significant energy to finding it now then take her to it and simply say " we have been discussing it and we think this would be better for you to be sorted out properly rather than staying with us temporarily"
She has lied to the rest of your family, so innocently involve them in the search
"mother has discussed how much better it would be if she had her own place- do you know of anywhere nice?"
If she visits you make living with you as unappealing as possible- you are decorating- leave stuff out, turn the heating off, develop a taste for loud ProgRock, borrow a pet she is allergic to, complain that you think there may be an issue with the drains backing up but that you cannot afford to get it fixed


In short find an alternative
Make her not want to stay.


Or just say no, but in good enough time to sort something out.

Scrimps

Ive just read this thread for the first time. Do not let her move in!

1.> Send out a 'final position email' to your family explaining what happened. Brief, point by point facts. Be very clear that she never gave you any money and declined to advise you why. Keep emotion out of the facts, make it clear that you want to clear up any misunderstanding
2.> Doesnt have anywhere else to go? - this is not true!!! she can rent a small flat. She can lodge a room from someone that is not you for the same cost you are charging!!! (links in the email?)
3.> When you advise her and your family (as they all seem to be involved) do so in writing (same email as point 1). State it is your final decision and to not discuss it with you again.
4.> I would also add the emotion to the final part of this email: if they decide to go against your wishes, to not contact you again about anything. Make it clear that you love your mother, she does have other options and would not be so strong on this point if you did not think it would have such disastrous consequences for your mental health and your marriage. You have kept quiet long enough and will not tolerate being bullied and manipulated into actions any longer (It seems to me you need to be a bit more honest with your family about the affect this has on you - you seem to take and take this nonsense?). Make it clear - the email is a statement, not an invitation for further discussion or comment!
5.> Remember and remind every one else that your mother is a victim of her own actions- consequences!!. She is not a victim of your actions.
6.> VERY IMPORTANT: Remember, she does have other options. It is a lie that she does not! (see point 1)


If you do allow yourself to be manipulated into this when there clearly are other options on the table I think there will be long term consequences.

I have been told by my own mother that Im a cold hearted person because I had to stop being manipulated by her and deal with her calmly. Things are better now after adding 250 miles and 5 years, she only does it occasionally and I will just tell her my coldness is a natural consequence of her behaviour, if she doesnt want one she has to stop the other.

The psychological model I followed was 'transactional analysis'. Its helpful but you have to be willing to accept the consequences of 'being the bad guy' for a while.

I feel for you. Good luck.

LannieDuck

Elinore, it's very rare for people on this forum to agree with each other, but our reaction to this seems pretty unanimous...

fairy_lights

I'm in agreement with everyone here, you absolutely cannot let her move in.
Once she's got her foot in the door do you think she will ever leave, or actually pay you any rent? She will interfere in every aspect of your life and as hard as it might be to tell her she can't move in, it will be much harder to get rid of her if she does.

Of course she won't take it well, will probably make a scene, try to involve other family members - it's not going to be pleasant. But you'll be saving yourself a lot of stress and heartache in the long run if you put your foot down now.