How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

hec2308

Don't let her in!!!!!!! Not in your life, not in your home. She sounds like she would hold you under the water if it meant she didn't drown. What an awful family you have, I'm so sorry that they are infecting what should be a huge, happy achievement for you both. Buying your own home is stressful enough and that moment where you put your key in the door should fill you with relief, not dread that any second people could turn up to push you into a situation you don't want to be in.

Elinore

Morning everyone, thank you for your replies.

Ok, what follows is a bit mean and cold but you asked and here is my opinion….

Out vile jelly (awesome moniker BTW) & slinky are very close to the mark. She’s always been the kind of person the men just want to coddle, look after and spend money on. I never understood how she managed it! Lol One guy, a few weeks after meeting her, had her added to his mortgage as he wanted his massive house to feel like home to her too. He was a well renowned businessman known for his smart thinking.

It’s like her superpower. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all one sided they love her, absolutely adore the ground she walks on and she loves them right back. She’s just very good at falling for men who are well off and can treat her very well.

I think her last divorce messed up her rhythm. It was unexpected, instigated by him, and he took her to the cleaners whereas it’s normally the other way around. Her divorces (other than my dad) have all been amicable. In fact he ex's always still adore her. But not this time. Suddenly she was in a little house in the middle of nowhere no fancy car or nice places to go. No lunches out, shopping trips or dashing off to some boutique because they had this seasons must have item.

I genuinely think it knocked the wind out of her. She was normal, had bills to pay on a limited budget (share of pension from divorce) - day to day worries. I know she was lonely but as bad as I feel for her she has to take some responsibility for the fact she can’t keep friends, she either holds on way too tight or gets competitive with them and sooner or later drives them away.

This is where I feel a bit conflicted. She is my mother, she is sad and I know she is desperately lonely. She doesn’t have anyone where she lives and she’s burned all her bridges locally. However she thrives on drama, loves a good argument if there is nothing going on I swear she unconsciously goes out of her way to find a problem or create one (the council tax issue for example – one small issue blown totally out of proportion)

We are very different, my wonderful OH and I have a happy, steady, gentle household. We reserve our drama for the GBBO alone!

The household revolves round humble domestic chores and our pets, walks and reading/gaming. We have little in the way of material possessions and our one vice is that we like to travel to far flung places – at least once a year. That’s it.

We could be considered quite boring but that’s the way we like it. (I am sure a psychologist would have a field day with the polar opposites lol)

So I have decided to call up the family today and advise that if she comes down here social will have no need to help her and she needs to stay put and make her way to the council offices. I am going explain, that though it seems harsh it’s the best for her future stability.

I must remember that guilt is my kryptonite….and she knows it.

Savvy_Sue

I'd add "if she comes here, I am not going to help."

Change your phone number, get a new email address, move as soon as possible and tell no-one where you're going.

bilbodreams

Hi Elinore, I very just read the whole thread, omg!
You are doing the right thing by not letting her stay, as pp mentioned, council won't rehouse her if she has a place to stay. She could contact Shelter, they might be able to help.
Don't feel guilty, she has made her choices in life. She ll be ok. Luckily for her she lives in a country where she'll have a place to live and food to eat
Some people need to reach rock bottom of the sea before they turn their life around so even if you "house" her, you wouldn't be helping her iykwim, she just would be above the seabed. Sorry if I didn't explain this very well.
Wish you lots of happiness in your new home

chesky

Thistle-down wrote: »

If she is truly homeless, her council has a duty to keep a roof over her head despite past actions. It may not be where she likes, but she will not be living rough

I'm very much afraid this is not the case. The local authority only has a statutory duty to house children (and therefore usually their parents with them). They will see this woman as a single person who should be capable of finding her own housing, with the help of housing benefit. I only say this as a warning to the OP not to expect the local authority to sort out the problem - they won't.

Mother is going to have to act like a grown up for the first time in her life. OP stay firm.

Thistle-down

chesky wrote: »

I'm very much afraid this is not the case. The local authority only has a statutory duty to house children (and therefore usually their parents with them). They will see this woman as a single person who should be capable of finding her own housing, with the help of housing benefit. I only say this as a warning to the OP not to expect the local authority to sort out the problem - they won't.

Mother is going to have to act like a grown up for the first time in her life. OP stay firm.

Does this vary from council to council? If you have nowhere to go where I am, the council will put you in a shelter or temporary b&b until a permanant place can be found, or that is what has happened until last year at least. Things may have recently changed but I live in a place where homelessness was a problem and they were doing all they could to make sure people had a roof over their head...

chesky

Maybe. I know none of the local councils in west London are in a position to house any but the most vulnerable. The law says they MUST house children so usually the parents are housed as well, but this can mean the involvement of social services which many parents are less than happy to be involved with. After that, there are all sorts of rules about how disabled you are, how vulnerable you are etc. Even being old is no longer enough to get housing, you have to have other needs.

But maybe in other areas of the country housing isn't such a problem.

ani*fan

Hi there Elinore :wave:

I've just read your thread right through and wanted to say congratulations on your recent house purchase! I'm hoping to do the same one day soon. It really is a big achievement, especially just now, so well done!

There are lots of helpful comments on here. I wanted to quote one in particular:

Hope_Love_and_Charity wrote: »

She does seem to be demonstrating certain characteristics of a Narcissistic Mother. Search some of the posts on here and on the internet. Only you will know if it rings any bells. One of the main traits of people with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is lack of empathy. They are expert manipulators and can twist and turn, emotionally, in all directions.

I firmly agree with this one. You sound quite resilient already and that's good, but I'm still left concerned for you, and the terrible feelings you're left with after a brush in with your mum/family, and how vulnerable you are financially with a new house to take care of.

So, I have some advice, some of it might help, some might not, just see what you think.

Read up about narcissistic mother's, the men who marry them, and how families organise themselves around the narcissist. Maybe you've done this already, but you can never be too well informed.

Recognise how well you're doing to cope with her. Her complete lack of concern for how you feel about things is not new. You were a little girl once, whose mum wasn't able to care about her daughter's feelings. That's pretty serious.

Decide not to accept anyone saying your feelings don't matter, not your mum, your dad, or your OH. Your feelings matter very much. Always.

Think about a whole new approach to dealing with narcissists when you spot one. It needn't involve cutting them out of your life, passive aggressive behaviour or calling them names. (Satisfying though that was to read it on your thread!) Your mum needs to be managed and trained, not unlike a dog, to stop using you as a dumping ground.

Make sure you have your own peace of mind. You sound like a good woman who has made a good relationship and a life you enjoy. It's worth protecting, realise you need to protect it from your mother. Send her birthday cards and gifts, christmas cards and gifts, I'm sure you do this already, and mother's day flowers or whatever. Keep these ordinary things going to maintain contact. Don't give her any more, ever.

Decide for yourself when you want to speak to her, say every fortnight, for 30 minutes, on the phone or whatever works for you. Don't let her surprise you with contact you're not ready for, and the potentially dreadful feelings afterwards, take charge. Have an excuse ready so that when she starts to make you feel like carp, or calls you selfish or any other names, you can end the call. Use the stuck record technique if she gets persistent about anything. Know and have faith in your own mind. Don't try to explain yourself to her, she's not capable of understanding, you're wasting your time. Just be clear and repetitive.

Mostly, know that it's not possible to get her to care about your feelings. She not capable of it. Acts of kindness and generosity do not nurture your relationship with her or role model appropriate behaviour to her. She does what she does because she can, and because she thinks it's ok. The rest of the world including the posters on this thread know that it's not. She won't care about that either.

It can be quite shocking to know that there are mothers out there who behave like this and do these kinds of things. It's the very opposite of what mothering is supposed to be about. However, it's not entirely uncommon.

I hope you keep enjoying your new home and your relationship. And from one daughter of a narcissist to another, well done for surviving it and being happy in the world. You're doing great.

I wish you all the very best.

Pollycat

Elinore wrote: »

So i had a surprise 'drop in' from my father and his new wife this morning (they live abroad - so yes a big surprise!)

Apparently the 'family' have discussed this and the long and short of it she has nowhere to go. We are the only couple that have no children (child free by choice)or don't have a elderly relative to look after.

So they have decided she will 'have to' come here as we will have a room 'free' - was told this would be a temporary measure.

I once again put my foot down and totally refused, oh my word you would not believe the emotional blackmail that was brought to bear.

They just kept hammering on that regardless of the issues, regardless of my feelings and regardless they know she can be a nightmare...... she will be homeless shortly.

I still said no.

So my father left stating he was very disappointed in me. I advised that i was disappointed in him - he knows how she can be (when they were getting divorced her behavior was shocking) and to make her my problem, i just wasn't going to have it because as soon as she was here the family would wipe their hands of her.

So i am now feeling terrible. He has made me feel so selfish and petty.

I simply can't comprehend the behaviour of your Father.

I would view it as unforgivable that he is attempting to guilt-trip you into taking your Mother in after the way she has treated you.
As for being selfish, I think that term could be applied to certain members of your family but not to you.

I do hope you will continue to stay strong in your resolve.
And well done on buying the house, I hope you settle in well.

You may find this interesting.
One of my friends has a very difficult relationship with her Mother, so I sent her this.
When her Mum has been particularly vile, she takes it out and ticks which ones apply and she says it makes her feel better that it's not her at fault and in a way it tempers her anger at the way her Mum treats her as it's probably something she cant help.
We've also wondered if her mum is bipolar as someone has suggested about your Mum.

[FONT=&quot]Are You a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother? Take This Brief Survey to Find Out.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Narcissism is a spectrum disorder with the most severe end of the spectrum considered a narcissistic personality disorder. A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality disorder. Mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways which is explained in Dr. McBride’s book.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother)[/FONT]

1. [FONT=&quot]When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?[/FONT]
2. [FONT=&quot]When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?[/FONT]
3. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother act jealous of you?[/FONT]
4. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?[/FONT]
5. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother"?[/FONT]
6. [FONT=&quot]Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?[/FONT]
7. [FONT=&quot]Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?[/FONT]
8. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?[/FONT]
9. [FONT=&quot]When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?[/FONT]
10. [FONT=&quot]Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbours, friends, family, co-workers)?[/FONT]
11. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother deny her own feelings?[/FONT]
12. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions?[/FONT]
13. [FONT=&quot]Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?[/FONT]
14. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?[/FONT]
15. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?[/FONT]
16. [FONT=&quot]Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?[/FONT]
17. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?[/FONT]
18. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel your mother was critical of you?[/FONT]
19. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?[/FONT]
20. [FONT=&quot]Are you shamed often by your mother?[/FONT]
21. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel your mother knows the real you?[/FONT]
22. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?[/FONT]
23. [FONT=&quot]Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?[/FONT]
24. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother appear phony to you?[/FONT]
25. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother want to control your choices?[/FONT]
26. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood?[/FONT]
27. [FONT=&quot]Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?[/FONT]
28. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?[/FONT]
29. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are?[/FONT]
30. [FONT=&quot]Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?[/FONT]
31. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?[/FONT]
32. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother compete with you?[/FONT]
33. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother always have to have things her way?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Note: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing daughter and adult.[/FONT]

Thistle-down

I've been wondering how things have worked out for you and hoping your mother has not forced her way into your home.

Any updates?