How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

System

Whats it got to do with your Father? He's obviously moved on and married again. I'm glad i'm not his new wife!

This upset is no longer over money, its over other people telling you what you ought to do and emotionally blackmailing you.

Primrose

The best advice you can give your mother is an introduction to Citizen Advice so that she can consult with them on practical ways forward for finding some housing for herself. Oh, and offer to type up a CV for her as it looks as if she will have many working years ahead of her having to work and afford to keep herself.

If she comes to live with you she will never be deemed homeless and as somebody else has pointed out, you will never be able to get her to move on. Far better NEVER EVER to allow yourself to manoeuvred into such a situation in the first place. Just tell her that that your husband has no right to be ambushed into a situation not of his making, and that she has to accept responsibility for her past irresponsible spending decision.


Offering practical help or advice is one thing. Allowing somebody to take over your lives and turn them into a living hell is quite another.

Diary

It was your mum's decision to make herself homeless, it has nothing to do with you or anyone else. It's utterly ridiculous for your father to expect you to bail her out again. If he's that desperate to curry favour with your mum let him house her.

No one forced her to burn through that money, she isn't a child. I would wonder why your father is trying to sort her out while knowingly making you unhappy, surely as he's divorced from your mother it should be you he's looking out for and protecting you from her.

I also wonder why he thinks you should have her as you have no children - it makes no sense. I'm betting his current wife is refusing to have her so he turns to you although as I said I do wonder why he's so desperate to make you have her.

Don't back down. You will have years of grief and upset if you do have her living with you. You may have grief if you don't have her but your home will still be yours.

barbiedoll

Oh gosh, please don't feel terrible, you have done nothing wrong!

Your mother is a grown woman and it's about time that she acted like a grown-up and took responsibility for her lifestyle choices. And it's nothing to do with your father either, if he's so concerned then he can house her.

You should ring your mother and tell her that no amount of emotional blackmail, or rounding up of other family members, is going to change your mind. Let her know that you are not responsible for her problems, and that you aren't going to bail her out again.

And also call your dad and tell him that it's none of his business who lives at your house. And it's not fair of him to come round and demand that you take in a lodger in your new home.

What a bloody cheek, I don't think you've even moved in yet, have you? You say that you're buying a "tiny" house, how dare everyone expect you to house your irresponsible mother. Let her rent like everyone else has to, she'll get housing benefit and she'll just have to lower her expectations. If she's really homeless, she'll be grateful for anything.

If I were you, I'd change all of my phone numbers! Does everyone know the address of your new place? If not, don't give it to them!

paddy's_mum

I'm afraid my response to a father like yours would be of the cracked record type beginning with *** and ending with off, repeated as many times as it took to get the message across.

What a very unloving pair they sound - her for virtually robbing you and him for trying to make you a victim. :mad:

I've often thought that there ought to be a law which allowed a person to 'divorce' their relative/s. If there were, you could surely start proceedings based on mental cruelty or coercive conduct.

A final note - they can only make you feel bad if you allow it so don't let them get under your skin. Good luck.

pollypenny

What a crew! How dare your father tell you to take in the woman he divorced?

Stick to your guns, Elinore! If they don't know sleazy, tell this concerned family how you've been treated and how she's blown her money.

paddy's_mum

I refer readers of this thread to barbiedoll's post no 50 (how prescient was that and can I borrow your crystal ball? ) and my own post no 56.

Neither parent has any love, except for themselves, and I truly pity them for they seem unable to realise the value of what they are killing by their own selfishness.

Time to move on, OP and realise that sometimes there is a solid, sound and sensible reason why someone belongs in the past but not in your future.

I'm sorry for your hurt and the damage these people are doing to your sense of your own worth. Chin up and *** 'em all!

belfastgirl23

Excellent, well done!

I'd say you need to take some of the drama out of this situation soon. Broken record technique 'We've already talked about this and I've made my decision'. You don't need to justify it to anyone. You don't need to explain any more. Be cool and calm (and stubborn) and it will blow over eventually. The main reason it will probably take some time is that they're used to you giving in eventually. The more you give in the more you'll be expected to give in. I would guess you've seen that in action many times over already and you know where it leads. This is a few months worth of pain for a lifetime of freedom. And it's actually better for your mum too, if you keep picking her up then she will never learn.

Just remember the alternative to holding tight now is that in a year's time you're broke and selling your house because your mum has had a series of emergencies or whatever.

Good luck and keep posting!

dawyldthing

liana_y2kuk wrote: »

I would currently be thanking my lucky stars she never gave you the money for the deposit, you would be stuck with her now.

Not necessarily. If it has been 'gifted' and signed away with no requirements attached there's not a great deal the mother could have done

dawyldthing

Elinore wrote: »

So i had a surprise 'drop in' from my father and his new wife this morning (they live abroad - so yes a big surprise!)

Apparently the 'family' have discussed this and the long and short of it she has nowhere to go. We are the only couple that have no children (child free by choice)or don't have a elderly relative to look after.

So they have decided she will 'have to' come here as we will have a room 'free' - was told this would be a temporary measure.

I once again put my foot down and totally refused, oh my word you would not believe the emotional blackmail that was brought to bear.

They just kept hammering on that regardless of the issues, regardless of my feelings and regardless they know she can be a nightmare...... she will be homeless shortly.

I still said no.

So my father left stating he was very disappointed in me. I advised that i was disappointed in him - he knows how she can be (when they were getting divorced her behavior was shocking) and to make her my problem, i just wasn't going to have it because as soon as she was here the family would wipe their hands of her.

So i am now feeling terrible. He has made me feel so selfish and petty.

Tell him if he's that bothered sub her a ticket and let her move in with him, since she only needs a room and I'm sure they have one for her