How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

Mrs_Optimist

I trust you have put your family member right with regard to the non existent deposit? If not, why not?

In fact I would be telling everyone in the family the whole story (people can only know what you tell them). They may have more sympathy.

With regards your mother, she clearly has the funds to rent privately. If she (or other family members) complain about the rent she is paying you (and make sure you start as you mean to go on and actually collect the rent) invite them to take her in to live with them rent free.

Personally, I would have stood my ground, as the next instalment will no doubt be that she isn't paying rent, she's blowing her money on expensive goods, and once the money runs out, you will be keeping her for free.

Gingernutty

Elinore wrote: »

Oh and much to my annoyance in a email from a relative they advised 'I cant believe as your Mother paid a significant contribution towards your deposit you would not repay her kindness in this time of need'

It transpires that my mother mentioned her offer to the family when she was going to do it (because it made her look good, no doubt) and not subsequently told them that she didn't actually cough up. So though shes not actually said she paid towards our house she also didn't correct peoples assumptions that she had.

that made me SO MAD.

Please tell me you put the cousin straight. That's outrageous.

Of course, that will explain your family's appalled reaction to you charging rent....

Person_one

Do you ever watch 'Can't Pay Won't Pay'?

Whenever they evict someone, they direct them to the council and as they are genuinely homeless they are usually put in emergency accommodation. Children get priority but I'm pretty sure an older woman on her own would be found somewhere safe to stay even if its a hostel or B&B.

You can change your mind, right now, you can say stop, this isn't happening, I should have trusted my judgement and never should have said yes. I don't know why you are still communicating with some of these family members and I certainly don't know why you are continuing to let them believe things that aren't true that make your mum look good and you look like the villain of the piece!

Change your locks, don't let her in!

barbiedoll

So she can "get a really nice two-bed where she is"?

So why doesn't she? You may have to do the legwork though and you may even have to pay the deposit (this doesn't mean that you'll be regarded as a guarantor for her rent though...make that perfectly clear) but surely it's worth it to keep her in her own place?

If it were me, I'd be sending a link to this thread, to everyone in the family. Her selective memories may well fool the rest of the family but perhaps if they actually heard your side of the story, they'd be a bit more sympathetic.

I can understand your feelings of guilt but she wants to be with you and she would happily break up your relationship so that she has you where she wants you. You're not a little girl any longer, you are perfectly entitled to live your life as you see fit. You don't owe her anything, nor should you feel bad at not accommodating her, she has to grow up at some point, and take responsibility for her decisions. She has money, she is able to house herself. You're making a big mistake in putting her up and you know it. And if you really think she's going to pay £400 each month, you really are kidding yourself.
What are you going to do when she pleads poverty, kick her out? Keep her away now and save yourself the hassle. It's got nothing to do with the rest of the family so tell them to !!!!!! off.

Rain_Shadow

Elinore wrote: »

Yup, you guessed it shes coming here. As soon as I saw this thread was back I knew that would be the outcome.

I have advised that she will be paying lodging fees of £400 per month You do know you won't see any of that, don't you?.

pollypenny wrote: »

I would put all my energies into finding her another place to rent. She will come between you and your husband. She needs to grow up.

This will be the real problem.

LannieDuck

How were you boxed into a corner?

Her house sale completes end of Jan, so she can stay in a B&B until then?

LannieDuck

Elinore wrote: »

Due to phone issues (Rural locale with poor signal) I had an attempt at a non confrontational email exchange with my mother and mentioned ‘I am a bit upset that we are unable to move forward on the house, especially as we have dreamed of being home owners for such a long time’ whose response just dismissed the whole thing as me being ‘overly emotional about the whole thing and life is full of disappointments’ she also advised she was under no obligation to explain her change of her mind.’

May i remind you of your earlier post? I suggest you change your mind about letting her stay and reply with her own words.

badmemory

Please don't do this! She will never get a job, the money will run out, she'll catch you as you are leaving for work and make you late. She needs you to lose your job to provide her audience. And what is the worst of this is that she will tell your husband lies about you, or you lies about him because she needs to divide to conquer. Neither of you deserve that. So I repeat - please don't do it.

Diary

Elinore wrote: »

Oh and much to my annoyance in a email from a relative they advised 'I cant believe as your Mother paid a significant contribution towards your deposit you would not repay her kindness in this time of need'

It transpires that my mother mentioned her offer to the family when she was going to do it (because it made her look good, no doubt) and not subsequently told them that she didn't actually cough up. So though shes not actually said she paid towards our house she also didn't correct peoples assumptions that she had.

that made me SO MAD.

Please don't let her move in.

Change your mind, not because she changed her mind about your deposit, but because it's a terrible idea. You are entitled to a quiet, peaceful life - this will disappear. Your husband doesn't deserve this and nor do you. Can you comfortably afford to keep her in the lifestyle she forged for herself. Forget getting any rent.

Guilt is a terrible, destructive thing but it's time you grew up and out of the constant abuse.

She will not be homeless. Your father can have her despite the excuses you think he has and is allowed to have and is believed to have.

Why are the whole of your family allowed to wash their hands of her but you're not. Think about this. They don't feel guilty for letting her be homeless as they put it. Why do you?

You aren't her responsibility anymore - she made that crystal clear. So why now do you think she is your responsibility. It doesn't make sense.

-taff

What they all said ^
with bells on.