How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

Mojisola

I'm in agreement with all the other posters - don't let her move in!

Are you getting any support from your husband to resist the pressure that your mother and wider family are putting on you?

firebird082

Another VERY STRONG vote to not let her move in here. I like the ideas of the poster above who suggested a clear email to the rest of the family stating facts - you cannot let your mother be the only person who tells them anything.

Please, please, please don't let her move in. Change your mind, and point her towards some rental places she can stay. She is NOT homeless, and she DOES have options, she's just choosing to make your life a misery. Stand up for yourself (and get your husband to do likewise) and keep her out of your house at all costs.

Angry_Bear

I don't normally bother posting when I agree with the majority of other posters and have nothing new to add. But I thought it might help you if you could see how many people strongly think you should change your mind and tell her she can't move in.

I know ho whard it will be to go against family pressure and (completely unearned IMO) guilt. But please change your mind now, it'll be so much harder to get rid of her once she's got her feet under the table.

Proxima_Centauri

What we appear to have here is a strong and pushy character walking all over somebody who finds it difficult to assert themselves. And family dynamics are making things doubly difficult.


For this reason OP I would recommend that you seek assertiveness training. Learn to say no. There are tactics you can use (broken record technique is one of them). You'll feel anxious at first, but the freedom it will give you when you finally learn to stand up for yourself and say no to people will benefit you so much in the long run.


As for the immediate situation, write to her NOW (this minute!) stating that it will not be possible for her to move in with you and that she must seek somewhere else to live. She has plenty of time to do so at this stage. Don't take any further phone-calls from her or the family as least for the time being.

Primrose

I have been following this thread with dismay on your behalf and do feel that you have allowed yourself to be trampled on here. And the longer you leave it, the worse it will become for you, and completely ruin Christmas for you and your partner.
So I do urge you now to phone or write to her and say that that you have changed your mind because you believe your personalities are completely incompatible and living together under the same roof simply will not work.
If necessary, remind her that it's OK for people to change their minds because she did so, a while back, of loaning you money for a house.
She will probably think that if she weeps and wails enough, she will be able to walk all over you and get you to change your mind again. I think this time you simply have to find some b*lls and stick to your guns.


If necessary, give her some addresses of letting agents and the council, although I doubt the Council will rehouse her if she has property to sell. Tell her that the only way you can continue to have any kind of relationship if she accepts she simply must take responsibility for her own future. Good luck. It won't be easy but on certain occasions you just have to harden your heart, even against family members when they are taking you for a huge ride.


But you MUST ACT NOW while time is still on your side. That way she cannot claim she has been left with no other options open to her at short notice. And if she still puts her head in the sand maybe you just have to put your phone on permanent answerphone and let it monitor all your calls.


Your mother has chosen never to work. That was HER decision. Now's she's reaping the rewards and it's never too late for these realities to catch up with her. That decision was not your responsibility. Yes, we would all like to have been ladies of leisure and never had to work, study or develop any skills but we've all had mortgages or rents to pay. You'll be doing her a good turn to give her the chance to develop some new life skills, albeit rather late in life, which will hopefully at last help her to be independent, rather than always relying on somebody else to foot her bills.

supermezzo

Another NO! voter here.

Quite apart from all the other issues such as non-payment of rent etc, you do run the risk of her meeting a new man and quite possibly moving him into your house, and you keeping them both!

Say NO in writing, in short sharp facts. Keep saying it to her and the family. I can't remember if she now knows where you actually live? If so, keep an eye on doors and windows - she really doesn't sound as though she is above turning up and claiming squatters rights!

Proxima_Centauri

supermezzo wrote: »

she really doesn't sound as though she is above turning up and claiming squatters rights!

I had a relative that actually did that, once! Possibly squatters 'rights' have changed since then, but it's not unheard of.

System

Why would she have to pay rent when she can have a roof over her head keep and spend all that money on herself? She wont even have to clean if she doesnt want to.

I hope i'm wrong.

BlondeHeadOn

Another no here, a thousand times no! Do not let this toxic woman move in.

Years ago I had a similar situation with ny parents, and had backed myself into a corner by agreeing to let them come and stay indefintely. I was in a complete state just didn't kniw how to say no.

So I wrote a letter setting out all the reasons why I could not do this, and setting out other options for them to folow ibstead. The letter took several days to write and edit, and I also showed it to a friend to check it sounded assertive enough (she changed quite a lot of it lol).

And then sent it, heart in mouth, realky anxious.

And... it was fine, they just caved in and agreed to what I said they had to do, no problem !

Draft a letter then try it out in here, we'll help you get it right. !!

Pyxis

Elinore wrote: »

So, an update. I feel so stupid, but i have been boxed into a corner ...

Yup, you guessed it shes coming here. I have made it abundantly clear much to the disgust of the rest of the family that its a last resort and the offer is not set in stone.

Her house sale is to complete at the end of Jan and she genuinely has no where else to go - i have reluctantly agreed she can move in from then.

I have advised that she will be paying lodging fees of £400 per month (to which there was uproar until i sent a screen shot from spare rooms showing that this is the norm - in fact as she will have an ensuite wiith a little living room area as well we could charge much more!)

I am hoping that alone will put her off as that kind of rent where she is could get her really nice two bed rather than just a room.

Currently I i am in a spin cycle of emotions. Angry at me for allowing her here, angry at her for not being a grown up, sad that shes so alone, worried because shes such a negative and chaotic person and thats coming into our lives after i fought so hard to distance us from it, guilty as shes on her own lonely and sad, irritated that she chooses to be passive in her life and take no responsibility for her actions, guilty that i feel so negatively towards her. resentful that once again shes being palmed off on me by the rest of the family like an untrained and unwanted puppy after Christmas.

No no no no no no no no no no no !!!!!

Please please don't do it!

I agree with everything everyone else has said.


Plus, re. the highlighted bit.........that's TWO MONTHS away! What do you mean, she has nowhere to go! She is selling her house, so could easily downsize and buy another, or if she must move nearer you, rent. She'll presumably have plenty of money.

She will stop paying you rent, assuming she ever starts to. It will NOT be temporary, it will be FOREVER! She will be asking you for money left, right and centre. It will become a nightmare existence.

She has turned your other relatives against you. She has even involved her ex-husband and his second wife! Technically it is nothing to do with them!

It will all end it tears, it really will, and as others have said, it could seriously affect your marriage.

Please, please don't!

I apologise for the capital letters, but I'm so desperately worried about this.