Mediation

justme111

You are not stupid for trying to see good in her. It does not mean you have to do what she wants or have to jave any more than minimal contact. Every poster on here said the same - get proper chidcare arrangements in place and stop looking at her trying to see good or bad or whatever. You know what needs to be done , do it and stop sidetracking into her love life.

Guest101

justme111 wrote: »

You are not stupid for trying to see good in her. It does not mean you have to do what she wants or have to jave any more than minimal contact. Every poster on here said the same - get proper chidcare arrangements in place and stop looking at her trying to see good or bad or whatever. You know what needs to be done , do it and stop sidetracking into her love life.

No i agree. and i do appreciate what you are all saying.

What i've had in the past is:

"if you want to see DS, I must be there, it must be at my house, it must be at this time." - How do i counter that?

justme111

I do not know being a lay person that has not had this issue before. If I were you I would do search (on this board as well) - wikivorce , fathers forums etc and go from there. CAB , solicitors , social services , your mediation people. A bit surprised you have not done it yet this issue being the priority.

justme111

How long since you moved out? I must have shot yourself in the foot with your communication with her being riddled with other topics than the child , so that she now has reasons to see that communication as being not welcomed and reasons not to trust you when you say you just want to arrange childcare. You can write to her a polite to the point letter suggesting arrangements saying that if you do not manage to agree it you are going seek legal help in it . It will be helpful if you realise and accept that your son WILL be around some guy you don't know at some point and it is not up to you to dictate when. As if you try to interfere with her love life it is likely to send her through the roof and damage relationship further

justme111

She seen your talking about child for what it was - trying to stick around , get her back, stick your nose into her business and control her. Hence she cut contact. So now although you can go legal routes she can still make it difficult and thats without even mentioning how animosity will affect your son. So probably the best route will be to change yourself, pray that she sees that change and trusts it and that she her head is in the right place.

bouicca21

Are you actually married? If not are you on the birth certificate? If either of these questions gets the answer yes, then you have parental responsibility and are not obliged to do what she wants in terms of contact. Tell her you want to draw up a parenting plan. Make your proposals child focussed, I.e start thinking in terms of a paper trail for a possible court hearing that shows you as Mr Reasonable.

Wikivorce and families need father's would be good places to get more detailed advice. Clearly court is a last option but you can't let her dictate access arrangements. A common outcome would be an evening plus a possible overnight mid week and every other weekend.

Guest101

justme111 wrote: »

I do not know being a lay person that has not had this issue before. If I were you I would do search (on this board as well) - wikivorce , fathers forums etc and go from there. CAB , solicitors , social services , your mediation people. A bit surprised you have not done it yet this issue being the priority.

That's why i posted on here, to get other peoples experiences of dealing with a difficult ex.

I arranged mediation straight away.
I've posted on here.
I tried CAB, but they refer to a solicitor, who advices of legal rights, if we go through the courts.
Social services are too busy, unless i have serious concnerns.
Mediation say they will try to keep the conversation on track, but it's upto us to make it work.

So really i'm looking for people who have gone through this and come out the other side.

Guest101

justme111 wrote: »

How long since you moved out? I must have shot yourself in the foot with your communication with her being riddled with other topics than the child , so that she now has reasons to see that communication as being not welcomed and reasons not to trust you when you say you just want to arrange childcare. You can write to her a polite to the point letter suggesting arrangements saying that if you do not manage to agree it you are going seek legal help in it . It will be helpful if you realise and accept that your son WILL be around some guy you don't know at some point and it is not up to you to dictate when. As if you try to interfere with her love life it is likely to send her through the roof and damage relationship further

The communication has been about my child.

My point was, she expects to know every detail of my life, but i just want to know my son is safe.

Guest101

justme111 wrote: »

She seen your talking about child for what it was - trying to stick around , get her back, stick your nose into her business and control her. Hence she cut contact. So now although you can go legal routes she can still make it difficult and thats without even mentioning how animosity will affect your son. So probably the best route will be to change yourself, pray that she sees that change and trusts it and that she her head is in the right place.

But i didnt want to be around at hers, at her beck and call. I would rather have just had contact with my son, on my own. Things were blurred, but not just by me. She was phoning me up, asking me about girls i'd seen (what girls?!), that news travels fast (seriously no idea).

Without being funny, im done trying to live up to her expectations. and you really have the wrong end of the stick. I bent over backwards to do whatever she wanted, just so i could see him.

Guest101

bouicca21 wrote: »

Are you actually married? If not are you on the birth certificate? If either of these questions gets the answer yes, then you have parental responsibility and are not obliged to do what she wants in terms of contact. Tell her you want to draw up a parenting plan. Make your proposals child focussed, I.e start thinking in terms of a paper trail for a possible court hearing that shows you as Mr Reasonable.

Wikivorce and families need father's would be good places to get more detailed advice. Clearly court is a last option but you can't let her dictate access arrangements. A common outcome would be an evening plus a possible overnight mid week and every other weekend.

No & no. She refused to put me on.

If we'd ever disagree, she would go back to her parents house, refuse contact, unless of course i apologised. (and fair enough, there were times when I was in the 'wrong', but its was 50/50 not always me).

I'd get calls at night, telling me she knew what i was doing, that news travels fast, i can kiss goodbye to my son. (she even put him on the phone to say bye bye to me, just those words).

I'd get abusive calls telling me to kill myself, jump in front of a train, do everyone a favour.

Sorry, slight rant. But just want to be clear how 'reasonable' is difficult when dealing with that, all the time.

I'll take a look at those. Cheers.