Mediation

ecgirl07

Guest101 wrote: »

It's stopped now. But just to explain what's been happening. (He's almost 4).

It is confusing. I didnt ask for any of it. It started like you say, come over for 2 hours and go. But then she started saying, well dont you want to do jobs for your son? so washing up, then tidying up, then vaccing. It just build up. She'd do the carrot and the stick, so she'd offer me a nice meal too. Or suggest i stay over.
It just spiralled. - I was happy with the 2 hours, but equally split: I wanted to fix things; & I never say no to her.

Cheers.

When you say no there is a chance she will withdraw access. But you will need to battle through it for long term settlement.

You have got to say no. Take as much control as you can, keep a diary of everything times of agreed access, times its been withdrawn. Be 10 mins early for access and leave on time ( she could spin it as you forcing yourself to stay in the house) be strong.

Guest101

ecgirl07 wrote: »

When you say no there is a chance she will withdraw access. But you will need to battle through it for long term settlement.

You have got to say no. Take as much control as you can, keep a diary of everything times of agreed access, times its been withdrawn. Be 10 mins early for access and leave on time ( she could spin it as you forcing yourself to stay in the house) be strong.

Thanks. I'll do just that.

I used to come early, and sometimes she'd just make a point of making me wait. But suppose it's just one of those things.

HB58

You have to play it absolutely straight, whatever the provocation. It's hard because it is going against your natural instincts and your desire to spend time with your son. Remember, short term pain for long term gain. You will emerge from this a wiser and stronger person.

Guest101

HB58 wrote: »

You have to play it absolutely straight, whatever the provocation. It's hard because it is going against your natural instincts and your desire to spend time with your son. Remember, short term pain for long term gain. You will emerge from this a wiser and stronger person.

thanks i know, thats the plan

FBaby

If she is going to be difficult in regards to access, you're going to need a lot of mental energy to get through it successfully. Therefore I agree with whoever said that your focus should be on you to get yourself back on your feet. The best way to have energy is to be happy in yourself and motivated.

Saying that, be careful not to let anger dictate how you go about it. At the moment, you are both angry (probably as a result of feeling hurt and used) and that will lead you to make decisions that is aimed at hurting the other. The best way to avoid this is not to rush into any drastic actions. The more anger will subside first, the easier it will be to communicate as parents (rather than previous lovers) and come up to an agreement. Going through court etc... should be the last resort and as much as possible to be avoided.

At the moment, your fear of losing your son will make you want to take action immediately. You can do more damage by doing so wrongly than taking a bit of time out and then do it all properly.

nonnatus

Guest - You sound like a very decent, likeable fellow. Sure, you're having problems, but try to stay dignified and don't stoop to her level and NEVER use your son as a bargaining tool. (I'm a lady btw, in case my user name makes you wonder).

Just a thought, but have you read any of JackRS's loooooong thread?
It's called "separation - how much should I provide?" I think...

Even if you just scanned some of the posts it will give you an insight into how it IS possible to remain human when battling an insane, monster of an ex-wife who is an expert at manipulating men, money and children. Jack has received so much support and is almost at the end of his battle now. It makes for a very positive guide.

I don't wish any of what Jack has had to go through on you (unless you have VERY deep pockets!) but I hope you emerge kindly at the other end just as he has done.

Big deep breaths Guest101 and try to remain calm at all times. Do you have a real life friend who will allow you to rant and rave privately without judging...?

Guest101

nonnatus wrote: »

Guest - You sound like a very decent, likeable fellow. Sure, you're having problems, but try to stay dignified and don't stoop to her level and NEVER use your son as a bargaining tool. (I'm a lady btw, in case my user name makes you wonder).

Just a thought, but have you read any of JackRS's loooooong thread?
It's called "separation - how much should I provide?" I think...

Even if you just scanned some of the posts it will give you an insight into how it IS possible to remain human when battling an insane, monster of an ex-wife who is an expert at manipulating men, money and children. Jack has received so much support and is almost at the end of his battle now. It makes for a very positive guide.

I don't wish any of what Jack has had to go through on you (unless you have VERY deep pockets!) but I hope you emerge kindly at the other end just as he has done.

Big deep breaths Guest101 and try to remain calm at all times. Do you have a real life friend who will allow you to rant and rave privately without judging...?

Hiya,

Thanks, really nice post.

I'm just balancing so many plates at the minute.

I have read his, or some of it i should say, post. It's quite a sad set of events.
(my pockets are not so deep :eek: )

I hope it doesnt get to that. I just dont know where i stand. Have a missed call from her at work this morning. Call her back, she just hangs up.

I keep thinking she'll ring so we can discuss my Son.

mellymoo74

Guest dont call her back, thats what she wants.

Email over a plan for access, even if you discuss stuff with her always email over just confirming we agreed x, y and z this gives you a paper trail.

I agree with the poster who says dont stay beyond agreed access times so it cant be spun. Have you taken any legal advice? You need to formalise access.

I would say to take heart that courts dont always take things as gospel, look at the recent case where the mother claimed the father was an abusive drug addict, to stop the formalised access and custody was awarded to the father.

Guest101

mellymoo74 wrote: »

Guest dont call her back, thats what she wants.

Email over a plan for access, even if you discuss stuff with her always email over just confirming we agreed x, y and z this gives you a paper trail.

I agree with the poster who says dont stay beyond agreed access times so it cant be spun. Have you taken any legal advice? You need to formalise access.

I would say to take heart that courts dont always take things as gospel, look at the recent case where the mother claimed the father was an abusive drug addict, to stop the formalised access and custody was awarded to the father.

Thanks.

It just feels like i have to justify seeing my son. Instead of it being the 'norm'.

I'll prepare something for mediation next week. Or try speak to her tomorrow about it when i see my son (if she turns up).

Just had enough.

Couple of times a day I get that sad feeling about me and her, but i've been reminding myself about what it was really like, and not the rosey picture I have sometimes painted.
I am slightly jealous about her seeing someone, I'd like to not be. But i guess it's normal - as someone said, one of us had to be first.

I dont think I could ever really trust her again anyway, so why feel that way, when even in the best outcome scenario, we still wouldnt be together.

Desperately trying to get my hands on deposit and first months rent and give me a positive.
- Think it's either balaclavas, sawn-offs and Big Tony driving the van
- Or trying family members

Guest101

Sorry rant time:

!!!!!! grrr AAARGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Why the F! do I care what she's doing and who she's doing it with! - OK, yes, i didnt want to care. You were right i do care. I really don't want to. I don't see a future with her, but I do see past nice memories.

(Idea for later, develop a relationship brain removal machine, i will literally be minted!)

I want some closure. Feel like this: by caring, she's won.

Basically feel stupid for caring about someone who obviously doesnt care about me.

Brain says: she's bad to you dude, seriously, stop it, now. Listen to me. I know best
Heart says: Brain's right, but do you remember the trip to the children's museum last month, that was nice wasnt it. What if?
Gut says: Ye, but then she started seeing someone, so come on Heart, get with the programme!
Liver says: Have a drink, you'll feel better.
Wallet says: hahahahaha good luck with that!

(Caveat: I know drinking isnt the answer! 23 hours until i see my boy, and it's dragging far too much.)