Mediation

FBaby

It is very hard to let go of someone you still have feelings for. It is very frustrating when there is so much there to fight for, but the negatives get in the way.

Don't be sad that it failed. It will make it a lot easier to move on knowing that you did give it another try. It is very unfair because in these circumstances, it is often getting excited about meeting someone else that allows you to move on. It was going to be her or you and she got there first.

It will get easier and one day you will be picking up your son,you'll look up at her and think 'how did ever feel so strongly about her'!

Ozzuk

I dislike using the term 'man up' but perhaps you need to look at your life and start living for you and your son. Your ex (and we only have your side of the story) sounds like a complete nightmare and the relationship seems beyond saving so time to step up, treat her with respect but at distance, don't get drawn into deep conversations, don't get yourself in situations where she can make false allegations. Be the better person.

Focus on your son - he wants to see a dad who is in control, calm, so he knows that things are going to be okay - especially if his mum is obviously struggling.

Keep everything as formal and structured as possible - send her child maintenance via direct debit and clearly state what it is for (could help you in the future). Don't just give her cash, she could deny and use it in court against you (if it gets to that point).

good luck, time to start living your life!

bouicca21

The only chance you have of getting out of this ambiguous mess is by following the no contact rule. No contact other than what is absolutely necessary to discuss your child and contact arrangements for 60 days.

Been there, done that, it really, really helps. What you are doing by getting into situations like this is just prolonging the pain. It takes long enough to get over separation/divorce, don't make it any longer than it needs to be.

And btw, if you have sleep together doesn't that mean she is being unfaithful to new man? Not a good omen for their relationship is it? Doesn't say much about her moral compass either.

ecgirl07

Guest101 wrote: »

Just what she'd charge me as 'costs', but i had to be there to see him

Costs for what? You being in the house to see your son?

Guest101

FBaby wrote: »

It is very hard to let go of someone you still have feelings for. It is very frustrating when there is so much there to fight for, but the negatives get in the way.

Don't be sad that it failed. It will make it a lot easier to move on knowing that you did give it another try. It is very unfair because in these circumstances, it is often getting excited about meeting someone else that allows you to move on. It was going to be her or you and she got there first.

It will get easier and one day you will be picking up your son,you'll look up at her and think 'how did ever feel so strongly about her'!

You're right, i still have some feelings for her. I dont want to. I know the relationship was quite toxic, part of me is relieved that the on/off/on/off is over. I didnt know where i stood, and often would get it wrong.

I do feel like there are things to fight for, but you're absolutely right. Those things are hidden behind years of bad feeling. I know it's bad feeling on both sides.

I know. It was always going to be her first i think, just the way she is (i dont mean that in a nasty way). Just sad that she kept me close whilst she developed this other person.

:beer: I hope so. There's good memories and bad. she did some nasty things, like threw away all the fathers day / xmas / birthday cards i had.
Then when we started speaking, she was sorry, but by then it's too late. Those little mementos are gone for good.

Guest101

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Costs for what? You being in the house to see your son?

Just costs.

So for example, I might have a shower there if we'd had an active afternoon out. Or I might put a couple shirts in the wash if i was staying until monday. Or we might all eat together.

- I'd also do jobs around the house. Clean, tidy, wash up, cook, vac, take recycling / rubbish out - things a partner would normally do.

In return I'd see my son. But whatever we did was her decision. And i'd pay for half of that too. - which i dont mind paying half for, but would've been nice to do the things i wanted to do with him.

- It used to be worse. Once I ordered a takeaway, I knew the delivery girl and was just friendly to her, 'Hi, how are you? etc.'
She went mad at me as if i was having an affair!

Guest101

Ozzuk wrote: »

I dislike using the term 'man up' but perhaps you need to look at your life and start living for you and your son. Your ex (and we only have your side of the story) sounds like a complete nightmare and the relationship seems beyond saving so time to step up, treat her with respect but at distance, don't get drawn into deep conversations, don't get yourself in situations where she can make false allegations. Be the better person.

Focus on your son - he wants to see a dad who is in control, calm, so he knows that things are going to be okay - especially if his mum is obviously struggling.

Keep everything as formal and structured as possible - send her child maintenance via direct debit and clearly state what it is for (could help you in the future). Don't just give her cash, she could deny and use it in court against you (if it gets to that point).

good luck, time to start living your life!

I've forgotten how :eek:

I've lost touch with my mates, am out of shape, feel 'broken'. She was so controlling, that i relied on her for everything. I'm trying to remember how to be on my own again.

Always pay by bank transfer. And i try to get a text from her the day before to confirm that's her preferred payment option, so it's all linked together. (I would do a cheque, but not cash.)

I want to spend time with my son. But this Friday, when i get to see him for a bit, she wants to be there to supervise. :eek:

Guest101

bouicca21 wrote: »

The only chance you have of getting out of this ambiguous mess is by following the no contact rule. No contact other than what is absolutely necessary to discuss your child and contact arrangements for 60 days.

Been there, done that, it really, really helps. What you are doing by getting into situations like this is just prolonging the pain. It takes long enough to get over separation/divorce, don't make it any longer than it needs to be.

And btw, if you have sleep together doesn't that mean she is being unfaithful to new man? Not a good omen for their relationship is it? Doesn't say much about her moral compass either.

That would be great. But i dont think she's going to let go. She's insisting on being around when i see him.

Well i don't know when she started seeing him, but our last encounter was 6 weeks ago. So it might not crossover.

justme111

Being at hers to see your son is not a proper arrangement , it can not function well. Until it sorted it will be a mess.

Guest101

justme111 wrote: »

Being at hers to see your son is not a proper arrangement , it can not function well. Until it sorted it will be a mess.

I agree, but that's what she wanted.

It's summer, i want to be out in the park, on the swings, at the swimming pool.

Mediation is basically done on goodwill and what she wants.

I just feel stupid for still trying to see the good in her.