Mediation

Fluff15

Guest101 wrote: »

An update from my previous mediation thread, so I thought everything was going ok.

After mediation, it kind of escalated, we ended up sleeping together a couple of times, I was round a lot.

The problem was that we weren't in a relationship as such, but she still behaved as if I was there for her too. The old problems never been resolved.

We ended up having a few rows, because I was getting mixed messages from her. Almost playing happy families, but when i brought up what it meant and should I be trying to reconcile, she'd fly off the handle.

Most of the time it felt like just day-to-day life though. And i really didnt suspect anything. So my only clear memories are from really the last week when i noticed something was up.

But two - three weeks ago she started to say she wasnt available monday - wednesday/thursday. She had college work to do and I figured that was causing her some stress.

Fathers Day was ok, I spent some time there, then she disappeared to her parents for a while. And in the evening we had some tea and so forth (she treated me to a takeaway), i thought things were going ok, along the right lines.

Anyway, I know (ok im as certain as i can get without witnessing the act itself!) that she's started seeing someone. (i can give reasons, but i tried typing that and it got to a side and half of A4 - mind running abit at the moment.)

I feel so stupid for missing it. I know it's not cheating. But just feel so stupid.

I feel really betrayed. We'd been discussing summer plans for days out etc. And I want to know my son is safe.

I guess I just want some answers. I'm a bit sad, but mostly just feel a bit used.

She's always said in the past, if i meet someone, keep DS away from the person. That she'd want to know who it was etc.

I feel like i kind of deserve the same courtesy. Especially since he'd often get into bed with her.

You sound exactly like you're in the situation of what happened when my ex and I broke up (minus the kids). It was an absolute mess and all I can suggest is that you both seriously start communicating, but don't expect anything from her. Give each other some space, and don't start having arguments because she doesn't tell you what you want to hear, and visa versa.

I know it's hard and I'm sorry I haven't got any better advice. I wish my ex had listened to me when I told him I needed space, and I wish I'd been nicer to him.

Guest101

Thanks everyone.

I'm sad mostly because I enjoyed seeing my son so often. Rather than her seeing someone. And now it'll be a lot less.

I agree I'd like to think it was something she would wait to do. Though I don't know how long it's been going on, I think that the details ( I will write them up just for the curious ones) suggest he's been over quite a lot recently, and my sons not been with me at those times.

I'm just thinking, who is this person ( as in my ex) and when did she become capable of this?

E.g. Making false claims of assault, getting me arrested - released without charge just in case people think I did it

heartbreak_star

Wish I had some advice, but just wanted to say you sound like a great dad and best of luck with moving on


HBS x

Guest101

Fluff15 wrote: »

You sound exactly like you're in the situation of what happened when my ex and I broke up (minus the kids). It was an absolute mess and all I can suggest is that you both seriously start communicating, but don't expect anything from her. Give each other some space, and don't start having arguments because she doesn't tell you what you want to hear, and visa versa.

I know it's hard and I'm sorry I haven't got any better advice. I wish my ex had listened to me when I told him I needed space, and I wish I'd been nicer to him.

It's hard. I want to, but she refuses to speak to me.

I just want a structured way to see my son. With a bit extra on holidays etc.

justme111

Sure. You just want to see your son. Thats why u have to sleep and argue with ur ex and monitor her live life

Guest101

justme111 wrote: »

Sure. You just want to see your son. Thats why u have to sleep and argue with ur ex and monitor her live life

Unfortunately we slept together a couple of times. It wasn't 'planned', just old habits when being around each other. Last time was 6 weeks ago, I've tried to pull back abit as it wasnt clear where we were.

Arguements, unfortunately as I say it's happened because we were being to couply. She was quite abusive too. She'd often check my phone, I wasnt allowed out to socialise with friends, controlled money (i.e. making purchases where i was expected to pay half for, but which were for her), check up on me if i was 10 minutes late from work. I wasnt allowed to take my son out, i had to come to hers, and she would charge me every time I was there (Approx £10 a day) - And thats since the break up!

As for monitoring her love life. Not at all. A quick run down. Fathers Day fine. (like i said, made plans for holiday and she got me a takeaway and we watched some telly)

Monday - Really off with me, abrupt, she had some of my tablets, i went to collect them, suddenly very nice, friendly, (like she was talking at me, but wanted someone else to hear her speak. - after so many years I know how she speaks to me and how in public) but she got the wrong ones and locked the door when she went to get the others.

Tuesday - Said she was at her parents. (where she lives is basically opposite my nearest shop) Then texts me to collect my things. I say sure, but then it's not convenient, even though shes home.

Wednesday - She's texting arguments to me, then arranges time for me to collect my things. Tells me i'm not staying there anymore, and doesnt know when I'll see my son next. Then makes false claim of assault, I'm in custody until 4am!

Friday - I arrange mediation. She initially agrees. Then Starts having a go that i've not sent her child support yet (i pay it on the 27th). This continues until the early hours (phone call at 1:30 am and text at 3:20am). Threatening to cancel mediation, unless i pay her almost double. (added amount was for the above where she'd charge me for the time i was there, added on at the end of the month)

Saturday - More having a go. I paid her (it was the due date). Said can we now see about me seeing DS. No. Money is not contingent on me seeing him (I agree). Though me seeing him is contingent on money.

Now if people think, well all that can be explained in a reasonable way. I agree individually it can be. But I just know how she is, and I know what my gut tells me. I'm not monitoring her love life, I'm assessing how things went wrong and have come to a conclusion I think is reasonable.

- Yes maybe I'm wrong. If you think so, great. I wont feel quite as foolish. And i wont be worried that my son is around a total stranger.

heartbreak_star

I think you're better off without her, m'dear. This is not good treatment of you.


Can you go through more official channels re:your son?


HBS x

Guest101

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I think you're better off without her, m'dear. This is not good treatment of you.


Can you go through more official channels re:your son?


HBS x

Thanks :beer:

Mediation before courts unfortunately.

I just still cant believe that she was able to do that, and yet every time I was there, be all nice and family centric and planning these great days out (some of which i've wanted to do for years), and secretly be conspiring to literally throw my world upside down.
How does someone do that? I mean literally how does that happen?

Fluff15

Guest101 wrote: »

It's hard. I want to, but she refuses to speak to me.

I just want a structured way to see my son. With a bit extra on holidays etc.

If she refuses to speak to you, only contact her regarding your son and don't bother with anything else. It sounds like you're still trying to save the relationship organising family days out but from what you have posted it's better off not bothering as she doesn't sound like she knows what she wants herself.

If/when she speaks to you again and tries doing normal things with you (like takeaways), refuse her offer. I think the only way you will regain some semblance of a normal life is to only focus on the thing that matters - your son. It may be worth going through the courts to arrange access properly, as this current mishmash isn't working

Try not to overthink it, I know it's easy to sit there and fester about why and what - take your time doing other things, like excercise, seeing friends, reading a book. It helps, I promise.

Guest101

Fluff15 wrote: »

If she refuses to speak to you, only contact her regarding your son and don't bother with anything else. It sounds like you're still trying to save the relationship organising family days out but from what you have posted it's better off not bothering as she doesn't sound like she knows what she wants herself.

If/when she speaks to you again and tries doing normal things with you (like takeaways), refuse her offer. I think the only way you will regain some semblance of a normal life is to only focus on the thing that matters - your son. It may be worth going through the courts to arrange access properly, as this current mishmash isn't working

Try not to overthink it, I know it's easy to sit there and fester about why and what - take your time doing other things, like excercise, seeing friends, reading a book. It helps, I promise.

Thanks. I will do that, hoping to meet a friend after work today, just for a proper catch up.

At the minute she's point blank not speaking to me. See i thought that's what it was, just slowly building up to that. I know it sounds terrible, but I could put up with a lot of it in the past. But she became so demanding. Hence the arguments, but i did think if I can get through this, things might change.

I agree with you, I just dont remember what normal looks like.

I know I am over thinking it, I was trying to pinpoint things that went wrong, try work out why. But the only logical conclusion I can come to with what's happened last week is that she decided to give it a go with someone else. And just feel foolish, if she was carrying on, as to how I didnt notice.

it's might sound silly, but i feel very stupid right now.