Mediation

Guest101

Pixie5740 wrote: »

K.I.S.S.

Keep it simple stupid.

Meeting point and time is all that is required.

Done :T

Guest101

Just a quick update:

So went to meet her with DS yesterday. Everything seemed to go well at the time. Me and DS had lots of fun, and she seemed ok.

But I suspect short lived.

Mediation on Friday, and it's going to leave me skint. So even if we agree something I'm going to struggle to actually do anything.

Pixie5740

Why does she have to be there during every visit with your son?

I'm glad things went well this time but I think you need to get your name on the birth certificate and start spending time with your son without her lingering around.

Guest101

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Why does she have to be there during every visit with your son?

I'm glad things went well this time but I think you need to get your name on the birth certificate and start spending time with your son without her lingering around.

Ye no idea!

I want to, but court = £££

Pixie5740

Maybe in time it's something that will come through mediation.

Guest101

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Maybe in time it's something that will come through mediation.

Hope so, it's difficult to enjoy the time when i feel judged constantly and puts everyone on edge

Tuesday_Tenor

What I'm going to say is for the longer term; it doesn't change your current priorities. Which as already covered many times in different posts are:
- continue with the mediation, and make clear you're wanting unsupervised access. That's not unreasonable at all. But don't press so hard as to jeopardise the mediation completely until you have your own place. Yes, you may have to compromise, short term, on your wish to see your son more, but you REALLY REALLY, for reasons below, need to think very long term about your son's needs, having such a mother.
- spend time with rebuilding friendships, improving your physical fitness, building a full and normal life for yourself. Your SON is going to need you to do this, believe me.
- continue trying to get your own place; through family, borrowing, increased work.
- keep contact with ex limited to mediation, access arrangements and other aspects of son's welfare.
- keep notes on all contact you do have; especially unreasonable behaviour on her part; but you also need the track record of your input being exactly as arranged.
- once you have your own place you can be more forceful about proper access arrangements, going through the court may be necessary; I would think best anyway.

DO NOT LOSE FOCUS ON ANY OF THE ABOVE.

But the following post from you concerned me greatly, not just because of the actual and threatened physical violence, but because of what I think it reveals about your ex's deluded view of the world.

Guest101 wrote: »

Regularly kicked out of the home. Punched in the head whilst holding my child. Threatened with violence, e.g. she'd pick up a knife and say 'it would be so easy'. Calls to my family to make up allegations. Publically humiliate me. Privately humiliate. It's just all coming up in my head the more i think about it, i tried to hide it away.

When we met she wasnt like this. And it wasn't until she was pregnant that it started. Then i thought it must be the side effects of pregnancy. Then i started to think it was my fault.

Even when we 'get on'. I have asked her about some of the things. She just denies it and tells me i'm crazy, it never happened.

As one police officer told me 'She knows how to play the game and to play the system'.

The bits I've put in bold are classic signs of a narcissistic personality. Someone who only sees the world from their own view, whose view and interests are incontrovertibly the 'right' ones, who blames other people as it's NEVER their own responsibility, who manipulates others into the same way of thinking, and totally denies anything that doesn't fit with their own view or which places them NOT in the right: even actions that they DID do!

It's possibly less a case of 'playing the system', and more a complete belief that the system will play to THEIR perceived needs. Where 'perceived needs' allows for making things up to strengthen the perceived need.

With much else you've said, we only have your view; she could have rational explanations. But it was the denial and the aspects of humiliating others (you) in the above quote that acted as triggers for me.

If this is ringing some bells for you, then search narcisstic personality on these boards for people struggling with a parent like this.

Such a person is almost impossible to negotiate with; they will deny informal agreements when it suits them. This is why you might HAVE to go through the court, to get it in writing, and to get back-up in enforcing agreements.

If your ex really does operate with such a view of the world, then life is not going to be easy for ANYONE having a relationship with her, whether future partners or your son.

Hence the need for YOU to build as normal and fulfilling a life for yourself; one in which people relate to each other , and discuss and negotiate, in more normal ways. Your son is going to need you to have a firm grip on reality and a secure home base for many years, not just now aged 4.

I wish you all the best; stay strong; keep the longer view; refuse to be manipulated to her wishes, and don't let her try to use your son as a lever to do this. Don't be panicked into dancing to her tune by threats. No knee-jerk reactions to her antics. You need to develop patience and other problem-solving approaches. For longer-term benefits.

muffins

Tuesday_Tenor wrote: »

What I'm going to say is for the longer term; it doesn't change your current priorities. Which as already covered many times in different posts are:
- continue with the mediation, and make clear you're wanting unsupervised access. That's not unreasonable at all. But don't press so hard as to jeopardise the mediation completely until you have your own place. Yes, you may have to compromise, short term, on your wish to see your son more, but you REALLY REALLY, for reasons below, need to think very long term about your son's needs, having such a mother.
- spend time with rebuilding friendships, improving your physical fitness, building a full and normal life for yourself. Your SON is going to need you to do this, believe me.
- continue trying to get your own place; through family, borrowing, increased work.
- keep contact with ex limited to mediation, access arrangements and other aspects of son's welfare.
- keep notes on all contact you do have; especially unreasonable behaviour on her part; but you also need the track record of your input being exactly as arranged.
- once you have your own place you can be more forceful about proper access arrangements, going through the court may be necessary; I would think best anyway.

DO NOT LOSE FOCUS ON ANY OF THE ABOVE.

But the following post from you concerned me greatly, not just because of the actual and threatened physical violence, but because of what I think it reveals about your ex's deluded view of the world.



The bits I've put in bold are classic signs of a narcissistic personality. Someone who only sees the world from their own view, whose view and interests are incontrovertibly the 'right' ones, who blames other people as it's NEVER their own responsibility, who manipulates others into the same way of thinking, and totally denies anything that doesn't fit with their own view or which places them NOT in the right: even actions that they DID do!

It's possibly less a case of 'playing the system', and more a complete belief that the system will play to THEIR perceived needs. Where 'perceived needs' allows for making things up to strengthen the perceived need.

With much else you've said, we only have your view; she could have rational explanations. But it was the denial and the aspects of humiliating others (you) in the above quote that acted as triggers for me.

If this is ringing some bells for you, then search narcisstic personality on these boards for people struggling with a parent like this.

Such a person is almost impossible to negotiate with; they will deny informal agreements when it suits them. This is why you might HAVE to go through the court, to get it in writing, and to get back-up in enforcing agreements.

If your ex really does operate with such a view of the world, then life is not going to be easy for ANYONE having a relationship with her, whether future partners or your son.

Hence the need for YOU to build as normal and fulfilling a life for yourself; one in which people relate to each other , and discuss and negotiate, in more normal ways. Your son is going to need you to have a firm grip on reality and a secure home base for many years, not just now aged 4.

I wish you all the best; stay strong; keep the longer view; refuse to be manipulated to her wishes, and don't let her try to use your son as a lever to do this. Don't be panicked into dancing to her tune by threats. No knee-jerk reactions to her antics. You need to develop patience and other problem-solving approaches. For longer-term benefits.

:T This is a very good posting with good advice, I had thought similar when I read this thread, your ex has clearly got quite significant problems, I really recommend looking in this site
http://outofthefog.net
It clear advice and support and you will read so many things that it will feel like a light bulb switching on! I really hope you look at this site, it is American but applies here too. Xx

Tuesday_Tenor

muffins wrote: »

:T This is a very good posting with good advice, I had thought similar when I read this thread, your ex has clearly got quite significant problems, I really recommend looking in this site
http://outofthefog.net
It clear advice and support and you will read so many things that it will feel like a light bulb switching on! I really hope you look at this site, it is American but applies here too. Xx

Thanks for that link. I'd found the OotF site but only knowing a little about the subject, didnt know if was the best one and was hoping someone would post a link.

Guest, googling around the subject you'll find some forums for people living with narcissists. And people getting out of relationships with narcissists. It's important to note we can all be very selfish and a bit narcissistic at times. With her denials and distorting the truth to fit her view, your ex looks as though she might be firmly on that sort of spectrum, even if she's not got a full-blown personality disorder.

NOTE CAREFULLY, she is your ex and she will not listen to you. Even if she has this sort of problem, she won't recognise it and YOU CANNOT FIX HER. She is however, the mother of your son, so I posted my thoughts so that you can consider the issue yourself and be aware, over time, of any impact it might have on your son, if she does have such problems. THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW IS TO GET YOUR OWN LIFE IN ORDER: HEALTH, FITNESS, HOME, FRIENDSHIPS, INCOME, WIDER INTERESTS. Then you'll have a better basis from which to support you son, throughout his young life, and beyond.

Best of luck, I think you'll need it!

Guest101

Thanks, twice i've tried to reply to your post and twice been locked out / times out and the post disappeared.

My worry is, and I will google and read the OOTF site, is that she will come back.

She has this ability to paint an idyllic picture of what life could be like. She'll say 'you could've had it all'.

Deep down, of course i'd like that. Happy family, my son growuing up with me. Of course i want it. That's when i usually breakdown.

The reality is not like that, but i think, what if this time it is, do i throw it all away?

- I've enabled her too much over the years. I need serious time away from her. I doubt she'll change. But whilst i'm around her, i struggle to change myself.

(i've arranged CBT through work, which will help i hope)