My son rules the roost?

duchy

My blood ran cold reading your post
This was exactly what my childhood was like.

My Mum was very tough on me - not cruel or unfair but tough- My brother however was her blank spot. He could do no wrong.

My parents had a policy of a united front - and as an adult my Dad told me he often felt Mum was too tough on me but even though they talked about it she wouldn't listen so he backed her as he felt that was the right thing as a good parent to do and not undermine her authority.

By the time my brother was 12 he was a monster - he was coming between my parents - my Mum constantly undermined my Dad's authority at 15 he was threatening to hit my Dad . My Mum just couldn't see it and made constant excuses for him - and decided my Dad and I were "unfair" to him and unreasonable. Needless to say I left home as soon as I could-it was awful.

Even as an adult my brother would push my Mum to "choose" him over me or my Dad. Insist plans made with us had to be cancelled because he wanted her to do something else. It broke my Dad's heart.

You need to wake your wife up somehow or life will be miserable not just for you but for your daughters too - and if you can't - leave - and for God's sake take your daughters with you !!

I'd use your son's insistance on sleeping with him Mother as an excuse to get him help - He's insecure and desperately jealous of you and the bond you have with his Mum . He wants to come first with her always. It isn't normal and you need to address the whole co-dependence thing going on with him and his Mum for both their sakes.

Get him a referral to a child psychologist even if you have to pay for it.

silverwhistle

n1guy wrote: »

he waits until his mum comes home does a war dance and she has to start making dinner for him.

No she doesn't...

TBagpuss

I agree with PPs who have said that part of the problem is that you and your wife are not presenting a united front, and are not able to discuss the issue.

I think you do need to try to discuss this with your wife, and that you may well need external help - not least as you and your wife may both need some outside perspective as to what is,and is not, reasonable.

For instance
- if your son doesn't want to eat what has been cooked for him, it won't actually hurt him to go to bed hungry for once.
- you need to agree on where the boundaries are and both stick to them
- it may be that there are issues with your own relationship with your son which you are not fully aware of.

I think you need to go back to your GO and describe, in detail, how your son behaves. Ask about a referral to a family therapist or a child psychologist.

Your son sounds as though he is very angry - is there anything else going on which he might be reacting to?

Janepig

n1guy wrote: »

Yes it is getting worse. I took his Xbox away once he literally wrecked the house until I gave it back, I mean in my day if I did that I would of got a good beating. What do you do against that?

This post made me smile because it reminded me of what one of my friends (who sadly died just over a year ago) did afew years back with his son.

The boy had been playing up (he was about 15 at the time) and my friend wanted to confiscate his phone as punishment but his son wouldn't give it to him. So my friend took his son's xbox and held it at arms length out of the bedroom window and told his son he had ten seconds to give him his phone or he'd drop the xbox. His son just laughed at him, so after he'd counted down from 10 and his son still hadn't given him the phone, he dropped the xbox out of the window which smashed onto the ground below. He said his son's face was an absolute picture! He did ever so slightly cut his nose off to spite his face though because my friend also enjoyed playing the xbox too!

Anyway, OP, just the same as others have said, you have to have an united front and more importantly you have to follow through with punishments. I sometimes confiscate things if my two have been naughty, or send them to bed early, etc... and sometimes I feel when I calm down that I may have been harsh, but I follow it through because the absolute worst thing you can do is punish, then back down when the child throws a hissy fit. I know other parents who do this and they have horrible children as a result.

Jx

carmina_piranha

My friend's husband keeps the xbox with him and takes it to work when their son is being a brat! Mum can't give in to him if she doesn't actually have the xbox.

Also cut off the wifi if he uses it online.

I do feel sorry for the boy though, he must be very insecure if even on a sleepover he can't sleep without his mum. Is he at high school yet?

ViolaLass

I agree with post 69. OP, do you spend any time with your son doing something he likes?

pollypenny

The reminder about Supernanny was excellent. She had some excellent strategies for dealing with troublesome children.

One of the best was to bond over one to one of activities that patent and the one child could enjoy.

Can you not find something you and your son could do, OP?

kingfisherblue

OP, are you afraid of your son?

Corelli

It sounds as though there are a few issues going on here, and my thought is that professional help is needed, and fast. Puberty is not going to make the situation easier, you'll have the hormonal surge and he will get bigger and stronger. A bad combination with an out of control child.

You and your wife need to be together as parents, boundaries need to be drawn and your son needs to feel safe and loved. As do your daughters.

When our son was in hospital and diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum (with other issues) we as a family underwent intensive family therapy. Sometimes painful, sometimes funny, and completely worthwhile. Our son's behaviour and our reactions to it had driven a wedge between us as parents too.

As an aside, if he does have an underlying neurological development disorder the melt downs have to be seen to be believed. At one session with the diagnosing psychiatrist and the psychologist who was heading the team involved with our son, the psychologist mentioned that Mr and Mrs Corelli were working on firmer parenting and increased boundaries. The autism expert psychiatrist spoke up in our defense against the weak parenting accusation and said he had been working in this field for a couple of decades with more families than he could remember and had only seen two sets of parents who had been able to withstand and stand firm during a full blown autistic melt down.

I'm not saying this is the case in your family but if you are up against the sort of thing we as the parents of a very troubled and destructive youngster experienced, it is not like discipline with any other child. Having said that, boundaries and rules are necessary for any one growing up in a community, they cannot be allowed to over rule every one else's needs.

OP, I very very strongly urge you get help. Bother the idea that a label is a bad thing. If he has something that can get a label he also needs help, and so do you and your wife.

Again, your son may be reacting to your parenting, and have no underlying problems, but family and/or couple therapy sounds like a very useful route for the family as a whole.

Our son still has great difficulty with anxiety and social situations but is now a loving, involved and supportive family member, him getting 'labelled' and treated was the best thing ever.

Corelli

Hello again, a little addition to my post above. Rather than saying that your son may be reacting to your parenting, I should have said reacting to the family dynamics. You and your wife came from different families who have had their influences on you both, and as grandparents are still around for your children. It's a lot more complicated than just you as parents.

Of course, autism is not necessarily the case for your son, I just talk about it as that is what I know about. Many children on the spectrum are very well behaved in some circumstances and only in the home do they feel able to release the tension they have been under all day whilst being 'good' Many many families talk about the schools not seeing any problems with their child, but the child behaving like .... well, a completely out of control wild child at home.

Our family therapist with whom we spent so long that he seemed almost like part of the family said that not so long ago weak and over protective parenting was seen as the cause of autism. Now they recognise that many parents, particularly mothers, instinctively protect the child that needs it more.

Please seek support, whatever is going on in your family you need an outside perspective and help.