My son rules the roost?

n1guy

Need some advice here as if I am honest the thought about walking away from my family has occurred more than once.

Here's the picture, I have 3 kids, 2 daughters aged 3 and 8 and a son 11. My wife says my son and I are so similar hence why we don't get on. We never have gotten on if truth be told.

My wife and I have been unable to sleep in the same bed for over a year now, why? Because of my son. He's learned about the birds and the bee's and is damn sure non of that will be happening under his roof, he makes my wife sleep in his bed every night. Now you might say your the man sort him out, oh believe me we have tried marching him back to bed, taking items away from him, bribing him with toys even as far as taking him to the doctor, nothing has worked. He will not sleep without his mother. He has gone around in the wee small hours banging and kicking doors, beating walls to wake his sisters up, many sleepless nights have been had. The biggest drama was one night he had a couple of friends over for a sleep over. All was fine until it came to bedtime and the fun started, wouldn't sleep by himself the other 2 kids had to take my bed while I slept on the sofa, they were actually laughing at how childish he was being but not a single f**k was given by him. We can't even be in the same room without him being stuck in the middle, can't be alone 2 seconds but he is in the middle of us.

Today another drama, Its St Paddy's day, I'm in Northern Ireland so I decided we'd go to a parade. He didn't want to go to the parade, he wanted to go to an amusement arcade, none of the rest of us did, we were supposed to be leaving 11am, 1pm we are still in the house arguing. He had also managed to convince his sisters to go by this stage, I was still determined to go to the parade, I am fed up backing down. In the end he won I told the Mrs to take them to the arcade, I wouldn't go as a matter of principle.

I do think he wants to split us up, even the Mrs has picked up on this.

So I am really and truly fed up with this situation and do not know how to change it. If I am honest I hate being at home. Anyone offer any advice?

19lottie82

From your post, it seems like your wife doesn't 100% agree with you, and if this is the case your son will pick up on this and play on it. If you want his behaviour attitude to improve you need to work together, and the key is consistency. When he doesn't behave, withdraw privileges / treats (inc mobile phones, TV, pocket money and computer games), and STAND YOUR GROUND.
It won't be easy but if you stick to your guns, he will get the message eventually.

Why are you letting him have friends over (or got to an amusement arcade) if he's so badly behaved?

Chances are the main thing he is after is attention, and he's getting it. You can't MAKE him behave, but you need to make him realise there are consequences if he doesn't.

You and your wife need to work as a team to nip this in the bud now, it will only get worse as he enters adult hood.

tea_lover

He's being rewarded for behaving badly, he's got no incentive to change.

n1guy

19lottie82 wrote: »

From your post, it seems like your wife doesn't 100% agree with you, and if this is the case your son will pick up on this and play on it. If you want his behaviour attitude to improve you need to work together, and the key is consistency. When he doesn't behave, withdraw privileges / treats (inc mobile phones, TV, pocket money and computer games), and STAND YOUR GROUND.
It won't be easy but if you stick to your guns, he will get the message eventually.

You and your wife need to work as a team to nip this in the bud now, it will only get worse as he enters adult hood.

Yes it is getting worse. I took his Xbox away once he literally wrecked the house until I gave it back, I mean in my day if I did that I would of got a good beating. What do you do against that?

19lottie82

n1guy wrote: »

Yes it is getting worse. I took his Xbox away once he literally wrecked the house until I gave it back, I mean in my day if I did that I would of got a good beating. What do you do against that?

Well whenever you threaten punishment he knows he can kick off and you will cave!

You need to stand firm. If he starts smashing things or gets violent, call the police.

19lottie82

PS as I have already stated, you really need to have your wife on board as well here. does she realise how much this is tearing apart your relationship? And it's no good for you, her, your other kids or your son?
Would couples counselling be an option?

n1guy

tea_lover wrote: »

He's being rewarded for behaving badly, he's got no incentive to change.

I agree, but my wife and I come at this from 2 different angles, I will admit I can be harsh as my parents were harsh on me.

Even simple things like dinner are a drama, in my house it was a case of if you don't eat what's being made you go hungry. My son often has to get a different meal to everyone else as he refuses to eat what we are making, its not that he doesn't like said item its he doesn't fancy it, so the Mrs backs down every time. I could have made the dinner, he won't eat his so he waits until his mum comes home does a war dance and she has to start making dinner for him.

fairy_lights

n1guy wrote: »

My wife says my son and I are so similar hence why we don't get on. We never have gotten on if truth be told.

I find this quite an odd way to talk about your son, saying "you've never gotten on" as if he's someone you met down the pub rather than your own young child.
What did the doctor say about your sons behaviour when you saw him about the sleep issues?

quidsy

This sounds like more than just an unruly child, your son might have underlying mental health issues. I suggest asking for a referral to a specialist. I have a possessive 7 year old but it is not normal for it to still be an issue at 11.

millysg1

n1guy wrote: »

Yes it is getting worse. I took his Xbox away once he literally wrecked the house until I gave it back, I mean in my day if I did that I would of got a good beating. What do you do against that?

Do not give it back. And after destroying the house, extend the amount of time he can't have it back for, not reduce it!!!!

Stand your ground and don't cave it.

Sorry, but not rocket science, your caving so he doesn't chnage!

Be strong!

19lottie82

If your daughters see his behaviour as acceptable, it won't be long before they start to copy him.

I stand by my statement that if he starts smashing up the house or getting violent, you need to call the police.

If it's this bad now, how do you think it will be in 5,6,7 or 8 years when he is bigger and stronger than you?