My son rules the roost?

onlyroz

You and your wife need to present a united front. How does he behave at school? And does the school have a family support office who could help?

j.e.j.

n1guy wrote: »

Need some advice here as if I am honest the thought about walking away from my family has occurred more than once.

Here's the picture, I have 3 kids, 2 daughters aged 3 and 8 and a son 11. My wife says my son and I are so similar hence why we don't get on. We never have gotten on if truth be told.

My wife and I have been unable to sleep in the same bed for over a year now, why? Because of my son. He's learned about the birds and the bee's and is damn sure non of that will be happening under his roof, he makes my wife sleep in his bed every night. Now you might say your the man sort him out, oh believe me we have tried marching him back to bed, taking items away from him, bribing him with toys even as far as taking him to the doctor, nothing has worked. He will not sleep without his mother. He has gone around in the wee small hours banging and kicking doors, beating walls to wake his sisters up, many sleepless nights have been had. The biggest drama was one night he had a couple of friends over for a sleep over. All was fine until it came to bedtime and the fun started, wouldn't sleep by himself the other 2 kids had to take my bed while I slept on the sofa, they were actually laughing at how childish he was being but not a single f**k was given by him. We can't even be in the same room without him being stuck in the middle, can't be alone 2 seconds but he is in the middle of us.

Today another drama, Its St Paddy's day, I'm in Northern Ireland so I decided we'd go to a parade. He didn't want to go to the parade, he wanted to go to an amusement arcade, none of the rest of us did, we were supposed to be leaving 11am, 1pm we are still in the house arguing. He had also managed to convince his sisters to go by this stage, I was still determined to go to the parade, I am fed up backing down. In the end he won I told the Mrs to take them to the arcade, I wouldn't go as a matter of principle.

I do think he wants to split us up, even the Mrs has picked up on this.

So I am really and truly fed up with this situation and do not know how to change it. If I am honest I hate being at home. Anyone offer any advice?

Sorry, but this is not normal behaviour from an 11-year-old! have you talked to your GP about him? It sounds like the lad has serious problems.

I think you need some kind of professional help, from outside the family. OK, it's no longer seen as acceptable to give the child a good hiding (more's the pity, imo) but you have to be able to discipline the boy or he'll just get worse and worse :eek:

n1guy

quidsy wrote: »

This sounds like more than just an unruly child, your son might have underlying mental health issues. I suggest asking for a referral to a specialist. I have a possessive 7 year old but it is not normal for it to still be an issue at 11.

This is my thinking. I ran this past my mother who is a nurse, she says the last thing you want to do is go down that route and get him "Labelled"

I know he has anxiety issues as I see the same traits I had when I suffered but I never acted the way he does.

ViolaLass

You won't be able to fix this without your wife's full support. You two need to start talking and come up with a plan together.

n1guy

fairy_lights wrote: »

I find this quite an odd way to talk about your son, saying "you've never gotten on" as if he's someone you met down the pub rather than your own young child.
What did the doctor say about your sons behaviour when you saw him about the sleep issues?

That sounds worse than it was meant to, there has always been a clash of personalities if you like.

No the Doctor wasn't overly interested, she told us to do all the stuff we had been doing and to give it a bit longer.

tea_lover

n1guy wrote: »

I agree, but my wife and I come at this from 2 different angles, I will admit I can be harsh as my parents were harsh on me.

Even simple things like dinner are a drama, in my house it was a case of if you don't eat what's being made you go hungry. My son often has to get a different meal to everyone else as he refuses to eat what we are making, its not that he doesn't like said item its he doesn't fancy it, so the Mrs backs down every time. I could have made the dinner, he won't eat his so he waits until his mum comes home does a war dance and she has to start making dinner for him.

Sounds harsh but she's the problem here, not your son.

onlyroz

n1guy wrote: »

This is my thinking. I ran this past my mother who is a nurse, she says the last thing you want to do is go down that route and get him "Labelled"

I know he has anxiety issues as I see the same traits I had when I suffered but I never acted the way he does.

Like it or not, getting him "labelled" might be the only way for him to get the help he needs.

quidsy

Agreed, you mum isn't the most unbiased person to judge & if my own mother is used as a benchmark where her grandkids are concerned, they can do no wrong & it is always someone else's fault.

You need professional, independent counseling. This is not normal behavior.

n1guy

tea_lover wrote: »

Sounds harsh but she's the problem here, not your son.

Well I didn't want to say that but that was my thinking also.

I don't blame her really as I see the way she was raised. She got whatever she wanted and now the relationship between her mother and her is they are best friends. Myself on the other hand as I said my parents were very strict and now well there is no love lost between us.

There needs to be a happy medium but we are both coming from opposite ends of the spectrum

rpc

n1guy wrote: »

so the Mrs backs down every time

Here is a big part of your problem.

He doesn't need a different meal - there will come a point where he is hungry and will eat what he is given.

Children NEED boundaries, it prepares them for the real grown-up world. At the moment, your son is learning that he can have whatever he damn well wants. Your daughters are seeing that example and may well grow up the same.

You need external help. That help could just be to bring you and your wife together to set some rules, or it might be more focussed on your son. Have you asked the school what he is like in class?