Struggling and no one to turn to.

RAS

MellyMoo

I am going to stick to asking a few basics.

Does your course require you to study a certain number of hours or maintain a level of attendence in order to pass the assessments? What is your actual attendance percentage?

Have you told anyone at university about the situation at home?

Have you started to apply for jobs yet?

Is your home rented privately, mortgaged or social housing? Whose name(s) are on the deeds/tenancy agreement?

Does your OH realise that if you do not have a job when you gradaute, you will have to sign on for JSA and all the other benefits? In order to get them, you will have to sign on regularly at a specified time and if you are late (even half an hour), you may be sanctioned?

MoodyMel

Thank you everyone. I certainly have a lot to think about from your replies.

Well it is here; the dreaded Thursday and the day I have a late seminar. Today is a bit strange though as he will need to take our daughter to her swimming lesson. This has never occurred before but she has just moved up a level and the only slot they had for her was a Thursday after school. I have no idea how things are going to play out.

I will come back later and update and also answer some more questions. I haven't yet phoned anyone or gone to see anyone but am playing it by ear and will be straight on the phone to Samaritans or to the gp if need be. Just writing this thread and sharing all of this has helped a bit. I have never told anyone any of this before.

I have no idea how his mind works but believe me when I say he isn't a nasty person, I am not scared in any way, I am just very restricted in what I can/can't do. Not due to fear of violence, just arguments, upset and an unhappy household. I don't want that for the kids so I comply with his 'needs', mostly! He has over the years tried to reassure me that he doesn't want to hold me hostage etc etc... And I am not a hostage, but that is only really true if he comes with me. I love him but need to have 'me time' I need to be my own person on occasion, I also need that not to affect the family too much.

Anyway I must get things ready for dinner, swimming, uni so will pop back later when I have more time.

MoodyMel

BigAunty wrote: »

Do you really think this car holds the key to you attending your remaining lectures without extreme emotional pressure and securing 24 hours employment that he doesn't try to constantly sabotage?

Chia wrote: »

I don't know that she necessarily thinks that...just a step along the way, perhaps.

Just this. A step along the way. I have no idea if it will help in all aspects of the challenges I am facing. However it is a step in the right direction if I am able to take myself to uni and back.

BigAunty wrote: »

What's the second step? And the third?

How does she get from a once in a blue moon brief respite from his persistent attendance up to 24 hours per week?

She must be thoroughly worn down by it because a person with more resilience may have simply switched off their phone and bounded out the door saying 'I am unlikely to die as I attend my lectures. I'm going out for a drink with the students after. Make sure you fix a meal for the kids. See you in 3 hours. I'll text you when I'm on the bus back home, no need to pick me up'.


I wouldn't do that and I truly doubt many mums would. I am not prepared to leave my kids with someone who is struggling mentally.. Not that I think he would hurt them at all, but if he suffers a panic attack then he will be unable to care for them.

But she's yielded (or been respectful, from another viewpoint) of his distress and mindful of the way he might call the Police and challenge her for this quite simple excursion that in 99.9% of households would be treated as something quite unremarkable.

Probably yielded and been respectful in equal measures.

I need to find a way to make him understand that what will be will be.. I will be fine and if I'm not then that's life. No one can control the safety and welfare of another person all the time. He needs to believe in himself.

MoodyMel

RAS wrote: »

MellyMoo

I am going to stick to asking a few basics.

Does your course require you to study a certain number of hours or maintain a level of attendence in order to pass the assessments? What is your actual attendance percentage?

Not really but as they do start to email and complain about attendance if it drops below a certain level. It has an impact on how well you do.

Have you told anyone at university about the situation at home?

No


Have you started to apply for jobs yet?

No, but I have been applying for postgrad courses. I also have an interview next week for another one. I don't want to say what for but it is a position that will have me away from the house around 40hrs a week.

Is your home rented privately, mortgaged or social housing? Whose name(s) are on the deeds/tenancy agreement?



Does your OH realise that if you do not have a job when you gradaute, you will have to sign on for JSA and all the other benefits? In order to get them, you will have to sign on regularly at a specified time and if you are late (even half an hour), you may be sanctioned?

Yes he realises this. He has claimed JSA previously. he tries to avoid it at all costs though, hence him taking work last summer. Apart from that he hadn't worked for around 9yrs. I worked part time prior to starting university.

MoodyMel

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I haven't got a lot to give here, but I was really struck by the contrast between the OP's approach to his hypochondria - ignore it, here's the paracetamol, get on with it - and her approach to the mental issues, eg


I think I have a similar approach to both. the Mh issues that are causing me to 'feel' like a prisoner and the Hypochondria, which was a product of his MH condition.

However, the hypochondria was easier to overcome. I am not saying he never panics about his health now but he isn't rusing up a&e every eek, or even to the doctors anymore. It has been a gradual process and has taken a long time to get to this point. Even a few years ago he would start panicking and would start checking his pulse etc...

I think deep down he knew there was nothing wrong so by me telling him to take his hand off his pulse and sit there... I was proving to him there was nothing wrong with him. I think he started to realise that I was right.


and ...
I know that mental health conditions cannot be dealt with by 'snapping out of it', but I do wonder if in this case they've been allowed to assume more importance than absolutely required.

It might be worth doing a few 'what's the worst that could happen?' scenarios, and see if anything can be done about it. So the OP falls under a bus - she might do that while with the family, does worrying about it in advance help?

Believe me I have done all the 'what if' scenarios going.. I have even told him it actually worries me more us going out together in the car as if we get hit we might both die leaving the kids with no parent.

MoodyMel

Oh and update. I went to uni, in my car. He took the youngest two out so our daughter could go to her swimming lesson and then he put the rice on to cook when he got home.

However, on arriving home I found him walking back up the garden path, he was in his slippers and no coat so had obviously been looking out for me... I raced back as quick as I could too so couldn't have got home any quicker.

thorsoak

MoodyMel wrote: »

Oh and update. I went to uni, in my car. He took the youngest two out so our daughter could go to her swimming lesson and then he put the rice on to cook when he got home.

However, on arriving home I found him walking back up the garden path, he was in his slippers and no coat so had obviously been looking out for me... I raced back as quick as I could too so couldn't have got home any quicker.

....so he left your two youngest children in the house on their own? Does he not worry about their safety? His priorities are most definitely skewed!

purpleshoes_2

Its not healthy. Many people suffer from anxiety and depression and don't act the way your husband does. I know that's a massive generalisation to make but you have no way of knowing taking the mental health problems aside whether he would be as controlling as he is. He may well have been like this without the anxiety.

He can go out with your brother, but you miss uni because he causes such a fuss when you step out of the front door its easier not to?

I couldn't be in a relationship like this for 5 mins, never mind 20 years. Ive suffered from anxiety in the past, I know how crippling it can be, but unless he gets help and soon, you risk being in a suffocating relationship like this for the rest of your days.

Why should you have to race back as quick as you could? You are entitled to take your time without world war 3 kicking off.

Get support and if he won't take any, Id have a serious think about the future and make some decisions.

Savvy_Sue

Apart from anything else, the pressure to be back as quickly as possible must surely make you more stressed and more likely to take risks / run lights on amber / speed etc. Which must increase the risk of accidents. Have you thought to point this out to him?

Also while you're indulging him, I hope you are always over-estimating how long it will take you to get anywhere. Remember, you have to allow for heavy traffic ...

I was trying to get home for a deadline this evening, but I still stopped for a loo break and to grab a drink. I knew I probably COULD get back safely without doing so, but I also knew that if I ran into heavy traffic at the end (likely) and took an hour to do what should only be half an hour, I'd be bursting ...

Cherry24

Hi OP,

I feel for you, I really do as you are in a very complex situation where by easing your OH's anxiety, you are probably creating some of your own.

I'm sure you know all too well how OCD works but by him knowing where you are and that you are safe, this is reassurance and a compulsion. Performing compulsions actually makes the OCD worse in the long run and sitting with the anxiety is the only way to start to overcome some of the obsessions. This is how ERP works which I mentioned earlier in the thread.

I know it's very difficult but you are not alone. OCD doesn't make sense. Having an irrational fear that one family member is in constant danger is a common obsession and can be completely miserable for the sufferer and the family member. I would suggest looking into ERP and again talking to others in the same situation (family section on OCD UK).

He does need to want to get help though which I know is the very difficult part. However, if he is suffering as much as he says he is, believe me, he will want the help. It is completely debilitating to a sufferer and terribly impacts those around them.

Sorry if I've gone on a bit. Hope today is less stressful.