Struggling and no one to turn to.

MoodyMel

thorsoak wrote: »

....so he left your two youngest children in the house on their own? Does he not worry about their safety? His priorities are most definitely skewed!

Erm, while he went to the front garden gate?

No different than going to stick the washing out. I wouldn't take the kids in the garden while I was mowing the lawn or weeding.. if they wanted to stay in the house they could, they aren't babies, they are 4.5 and nearly 6 (next week)
BUT no he didn't leave them alone... If you have read my first post I have FOUR children, the oldest is nearly 15 and more than capable of watching them for 5 minutes.

Also he fears for EVERYONES safety so he would never leave them in a position that could cause them harm. Hence why I know he only went to the gate, you can't see down the road from the front door.

purpleshoes wrote: »

Its not healthy. Many people suffer from anxiety and depression and don't act the way your husband does. I know that's a massive generalisation to make but you have no way of knowing taking the mental health problems aside whether he would be as controlling as he is. He may well have been like this without the anxiety.

He can go out with your brother, but you miss uni because he causes such a fuss when you step out of the front door its easier not to?

I couldn't be in a relationship like this for 5 mins, never mind 20 years. Ive suffered from anxiety in the past, I know how crippling it can be, but unless he gets help and soon, you risk being in a suffocating relationship like this for the rest of your days.

Why should you have to race back as quick as you could? You are entitled to take your time without world war 3 kicking off.

Get support and if he won't take any, Id have a serious think about the future and make some decisions.

Thanks for your reply.

MoodyMel

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Apart from anything else, the pressure to be back as quickly as possible must surely make you more stressed and more likely to take risks / run lights on amber / speed etc. Which must increase the risk of accidents. Have you thought to point this out to him?

Also while you're indulging him, I hope you are always over-estimating how long it will take you to get anywhere. Remember, you have to allow for heavy traffic ...

I was trying to get home for a deadline this evening, but I still stopped for a loo break and to grab a drink. I knew I probably COULD get back safely without doing so, but I also knew that if I ran into heavy traffic at the end (likely) and took an hour to do what should only be half an hour, I'd be bursting ...

I know this, he knows this too. He always says don't rush back and drive safely etc... But I worry he will be getting stressed if I take too long. The journey is only 15 minutes on a clear run. I try to stress to him that I also need time to get out the building, back to the car park, out the actual uni maze of roads... then it is 15 minutes from there... So I am trying to encourage him to have a 30 minute deadline before wondering where I am iygwim.. And then he can always phone/text, although he doesn't like to in case I am driving and he causes me to crash...

Although he had clearly been on look out duties he didn't actually seem too stressed and was distracting himself by cooking the rice to have with dinner... He barely cooks so this is also a BIG positive.

Cherry24 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I feel for you, I really do as you are in a very complex situation where by easing your OH's anxiety, you are probably creating some of your own.

I'm sure you know all too well how OCD works but by him knowing where you are and that you are safe, this is reassurance and a compulsion. Performing compulsions actually makes the OCD worse in the long run and sitting with the anxiety is the only way to start to overcome some of the obsessions. This is how ERP works which I mentioned earlier in the thread.

Yes, this is very true for him. I can give an example: When our older two children were in primary school (foundation and year 2) we would drop them off and walk off as they entered the class. Then he felt the need to stand and watch them to make sure the door closed with them in the class. It escalated, over a short time, into having to look through the window. It became a 'must do' for him as otherwise something bad might happen to them... It got to the point where I had to physically drag him away from the window. Anyway the next week I stopped him going to the window and stopped him watching them walk in the door... He was having visible signs of panic as we walked away but I kept this up and eventually his fears subsided, or at least he was able to cope with them internally without HAVING to stand at the window.

I realised that it is in fact better to not let the habit start as it manifests itself so deeply into an act that, in his mind, has to be fulfilled to ensure nothing bad happens. Not many people understand, even I don't if i'm honest..


I know it's very difficult but you are not alone. OCD doesn't make sense. Having an irrational fear that one family member is in constant danger is a common obsession and can be completely miserable for the sufferer and the family member. I would suggest looking into ERP and again talking to others in the same situation (family section on OCD UK).

He does need to want to get help though which I know is the very difficult part. However, if he is suffering as much as he says he is, believe me, he will want the help. It is completely debilitating to a sufferer and terribly impacts those around them.

He thinks he is 'better' which yes he is better than before meds and CBT but I wish he was a lot better. He says he hates being controlled by his own fears and has gone through periods of quite bad depression. Then there are times when he has been fine. in one 'period' I used to walk to work on my own through fields, in the dark etc etc.. it never phased him. Although that was pre-children and admittedly he has become far worse since having children. Also in those days his ocd was more focused on the cooker, the plug sockets, washing his hands, closing doors and windows....

Sorry if I've gone on a bit. Hope today is less stressful.

Thank you for taking the time to reply in such a lovely and helpful way :A

Cherry24

I can understand why he may think he is better. Unfortunately the nature of it is you can have periods of recovery and then the obsessions can appear again, change or become more intense.
Unfortunately it is something you have to constantly work at as it only takes something to trigger the sufferer(a reminder of their fear, news, stress) and it can set them back again.
I too felt better after my first course of CBT and was very upbeat for a short period. Unfortunately, reality set in and I've had to work at it ever since but the best thing you can do as someone with OCD is educate yourself, recognise the signs and try your best every day.
Maybe if he fully understands how much it is affecting you, he will realise that things aren't as they should be. The not performing compulsions thing seems to have worked in the past from what you have said so this could be the most effective way for him to treat it.

MoodyMel

Cherry24 wrote: »

I can understand why he may think he is better. Unfortunately the nature of it is you can have periods of recovery and then the obsessions can appear again, change or become more intense.
Unfortunately it is something you have to constantly work at as it only takes something to trigger the sufferer(a reminder of their fear, news, stress) and it can set them back again.
I too felt better after my first course of CBT and was very upbeat for a short period. Unfortunately, reality set in and I've had to work at it ever since but the best thing you can do as someone with OCD is educate yourself, recognise the signs and try your best every day.
Maybe if he fully understands how much it is affecting you, he will realise that things aren't as they should be. The not performing compulsions thing seems to have worked in the past from what you have said so this could be the most effective way for him to treat it.

I know that now is the time to talk to him about it as he is clearly coping a bit better at the minute. However, the fact that he is doing 'ok' means I don't want to rock the boat

This could be short lived as it is possibly a positive reaction to getting a car and the newness of it all. Once the novelty has worn off will he return to how he was.

I am in uni today and he is slightly worrying about where I am going to park as we have had emails about not parking outside the building, in the staff area, and insisting we park on the main campus in the student area. This means quite a lengthy walk for me.

It is daytime, I am only there a few hours and will be home by 2pm. I am trying to reassure him yet not pander to his fears by making light of the situation... This tends to sort of work sometimes!

I am going to try something else. I am planning on asking my friend if she wants to go bingo with me every few weeks/once a month. I am not sure how to broach the subject with him... although I want to run it past her first to see if she actually wants too.

Any suggestions would be great.

Cherry24

Hi Mel,

Regarding the bingo, I would personally say something like:
'Since you are feeling better (he has volunteered this info to you from what I gather), I would like to go out a couple of times a month. This would make me feel better as I haven't been socialising much lately which is getting me down. I need the downtime as I am working hard at uni. It would be good for you to confront your fears and would be a chance for you try methods of treating OCD / anxiety other than CBT'.

Obviously I am not an expert and people on the more specialised forums may be able to give you a more eloquent and qualified response.

I appreciate it's difficult to broach this with him as you are afraid it might get worse again but it will never get better whilst he thinks you are happy to reassure him for the rest of your life (which obv isn't true).

Regarding the uni parking situation, I see only 3 options.
1. Do as he would like (this would be very inconvenient for you and only continues his circle of fear and reassurance).
2. Don't do it but tell him you did. (This would be less inconvenient for you but wouldn't help him learn that it is stressing you out and that it's only making his anxiety worse).
3. Say you aren't going to do it (this would be better for him in the long run but would cause him to feel highly anxious and may cause an argument).

I know which is best for him but I can't advise you what to do as I know how difficult doing number 3 would be.

Something I forgot to mention earlier was a self help option. There is a book called 'Brain Lock' with a four step program for helping those with OCD and their families http://www.ocduk.org/four-steps
It explains that OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and has brain scans that show the difference between a 'normal' brain and an OCD brain. I know it has helped a lot of people and may be a good way to broach all of this and he could read it whilst you are out. It may be a different way to occupy his thoughts.

MoodyMel

Cherry24 wrote: »

Hi Mel,

Regarding the bingo, I would personally say something like:
'Since you are feeling better (he has volunteered this info to you from what I gather), I would like to go out a couple of times a month. This would make me feel better as I haven't been socialising much lately which is getting me down. I need the downtime as I am working hard at uni. It would be good for you to confront your fears and would be a chance for you try methods of treating OCD / anxiety other than CBT'.

Obviously I am not an expert and people on the more specialised forums may be able to give you a more eloquent and qualified response.

I appreciate it's difficult to broach this with him as you are afraid it might get worse again but it will never get better whilst he thinks you are happy to reassure him for the rest of your life (which obv isn't true).

Regarding the uni parking situation, I see only 3 options.
1. Do as he would like (this would be very inconvenient for you and only continues his circle of fear and reassurance).
2. Don't do it but tell him you did. (This would be less inconvenient for you but wouldn't help him learn that it is stressing you out and that it's only making his anxiety worse).
3. Say you aren't going to do it (this would be better for him in the long run but would cause him to feel highly anxious and may cause an argument).

I know which is best for him but I can't advise you what to do as I know how difficult doing number 3 would be.

Something I forgot to mention earlier was a self help option. There is a book called 'Brain Lock' with a four step program for helping those with OCD and their families http://www.ocduk.org/four-steps
It explains that OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and has brain scans that show the difference between a 'normal' brain and an OCD brain. I know it has helped a lot of people and may be a good way to broach all of this and he could read it whilst you are out. It may be a different way to occupy his thoughts.

I didn't say where I was going to park. I just parked in the student car park and text the usual 'here parked x' But then text him once over in the seminar and said that I was parked in the student car park and it was only a 6-7 minute walk. His reply implied he was fine.

However, on driving home who should drive past me in the opposite direction, the husband I was visibly annoyed when he walked in and we had a heated talk. He felt really bad about it and said he had managed fine until I was due in.. I am so annoyed but he can't help it.. what do I do?

I am going to buy those self help books and I have told him to read up on ERP therapy ( I have had a read myself and it looks like it may be useful) I have also looked on OCD uk and will have a proper read later/tomorrow/when I have finished these assignments :cool:

Once we had chatted and things had calmed down he did say he felt so much better lately and I have told him my plans for bingo. He wasn't ecstatic but said he will try to manage it so I can go.

The problem is we have been here before. I booked ot go on christmas night out with work, paid £30 and arranged to get picked up by a work friend.Then an hour before going he caused almighty hell and we had a massive argument, I never went. I worry that the same will happen and I don't want to let my friend down by pulling out last minute

RAS

MoodyMel wrote: »

I booked ot go on christmas night out with work, paid £30 and arranged to get picked up by a work friend.Then an hour before going he caused almighty hell and we had a massive argument, I never went. I worry that the same will happen and I don't want to let my friend down by pulling out last minute

You say he does not abuse you but do you not get it at all that causing almighty hell and a massive arguement is abusive (even if he "cannot help it")?

What exactly happens when he has a meltdown or causes almighty hell?

Cherry24

Hi Mel,

I'm sorry it wasn't all plain sailing today

I do think it was good you had a talk (even though it was heated) and that he seemed to realise why you were annoyed.

I really hope he takes up your advice about ERP, the books etc.
It's a shame that he couldn't be more enthusiastic about your bingo outings. I know it's out of fear but he needs to realise that you need to have a life outside of his insecurities. It would be good for both of you.

Regarding the bingo, I think it's a case now of you being firm, saying you've arranged it with your friend, you can't let them down and that you really want to go and enjoy yourself.

I know it will be difficult but situations like the one at Christmas aren't helping. You didn't go and he is still afraid. If you had gone, he would have felt incredibly anxious but you would have had a night out and he would have seen that the world didn't end. You not going hasn't helped because in his mind, you staying is what kept you safe (that's how it works with most people with OCD anyway).

He may kick up a fuss nearer to the time but hopefully things will improve before then and you will have to cross that bridge when you come to it. However, I do think you should try and stand firm with this one. It's only a couple of times a month and you need that time.

MoodyMel

RAS wrote: »

You say he does not abuse you but do you not get it at all that causing almighty hell and a massive arguement is abusive (even if he "cannot help it")?

What exactly happens when he has a meltdown or causes almighty hell?

Causing almighty hell is probably the wrong choice of words. He generally starts by just huffing and complaining that he stuck in while I 'go off' Then I obviously react and point out that he is the kids father and how does he think I feel when he can just swan off as long as we are all safe in the house blah blah it just escalates from there really.
But I end up not going as he pretty much says he isn't going to stay in with the kids.

I don't think he would ever leave them, as I have said before he worries about everyone's safety, but I am not willing to take that risk. They are the most precious things in my life and I would never put anything before them. If that means not going out then so be it.

Cherry24 wrote: »

Hi Mel,

I'm sorry it wasn't all plain sailing today

I do think it was good you had a talk (even though it was heated) and that he seemed to realise why you were annoyed.

I really hope he takes up your advice about ERP, the books etc.
It's a shame that he couldn't be more enthusiastic about your bingo outings. I know it's out of fear but he needs to realise that you need to have a life outside of his insecurities. It would be good for both of you.

Regarding the bingo, I think it's a case now of you being firm, saying you've arranged it with your friend, you can't let them down and that you really want to go and enjoy yourself.

I know it will be difficult but situations like the one at Christmas aren't helping. You didn't go and he is still afraid. If you had gone, he would have felt incredibly anxious but you would have had a night out and he would have seen that the world didn't end. You not going hasn't helped because in his mind, you staying is what kept you safe (that's how it works with most people with OCD anyway).

He may kick up a fuss nearer to the time but hopefully things will improve before then and you will have to cross that bridge when you come to it. However, I do think you should try and stand firm with this one. It's only a couple of times a month and you need that time.

It was a good many years ago the xmas party incident. I have gone to a friends house for drinks on two occasions since then but that is pretty much it. He obviously dropped me off and picked me up as I was drinking so it suited us both for him to do so. Oh and one night I went to another friends house but that is pretty much 3 nights out in about 9 years

I am going to push for the bingo night. I don't know how bingo works so am going to start thread on it.

purpleshoes_2

I think you need some proper outside support to allow you to see just how unhealthy this situation actually is.

You are virtually a prisoner in your own home, you have no social life, you have to justify going to university.

He clearly needs help but so do you and your kids are growing up in a very unhealthy environment.