Struggling and no one to turn to.

MoodyMel

I have been thinking, when I've had the head space, about this whole situation.

I do believe he is trying. Today I went to uni and when I got home he had distracted himself with brushing his teeth. Hence he wasn't racing around looking for me thinking I would be in a ditch somewhere. BUT more significant than that the words that came out of his mouth just as I was leaving "You should be able to go wherever you want" He told me not to race home and he would deal with, in his words, his "mentalness" He also suggested maybe I stop texting when back in the car...


Ok, it's a start. I am obviously wary that it is just a 'good phase' but I so want to believe he is trying. He is also going to phone our local university tomorrow and see if he can get onto the 2nd year of his chosen course. I think it would help him if he is getting out the house more. It would also give me some freedom during the hours he is at uni.

I have made hints and suggestions since starting this thread about him getting out more, that we both need space. I have also mentioned how much better things were last summer when he was working, as he didn't have time to worry about everything so much. On occasions he has been getting stressed I have told him he is over-thinking and needs to just step back and look at the facts of the problem...

I am still going to find out about my rights in terms of tenancy etc, just in case. I think I will also mention to him about some joint counselling of some sort.

ognum

MoodyMel wrote: »

I have been thinking, when I've had the head space, about this whole situation.

I do believe he is trying. Today I went to uni and when I got home he had distracted himself with brushing his teeth. Hence he wasn't racing around looking for me thinking I would be in a ditch somewhere. BUT more significant than that the words that came out of his mouth just as I was leaving "You should be able to go wherever you want" He told me not to race home and he would deal with, in his words, his "mentalness" He also suggested maybe I stop texting when back in the car...


Ok, it's a start. I am obviously wary that it is just a 'good phase' but I so want to believe he is trying. He is also going to phone our local university tomorrow and see if he can get onto the 2nd year of his chosen course. I think it would help him if he is getting out the house more. It would also give me some freedom during the hours he is at uni.

I have made hints and suggestions since starting this thread about him getting out more, that we both need space. I have also mentioned how much better things were last summer when he was working, as he didn't have time to worry about everything so much. On occasions he has been getting stressed I have told him he is over-thinking and needs to just step back and look at the facts of the problem...

I am still going to find out about my rights in terms of tenancy etc, just in case. I think I will also mention to him about some joint counselling of some sort.

MM, you are an enabler, you allow your husband to be as he is and every time someone mentions that you should leave and move on yourself you say 'he's getting better'.

I have been involved with many situations like yours, he won't get better things won't change until you allow them too.

You are the person who holds the cards here, you can make things change, you can make things move on for you, him and your children BUT you won't. You actually feel safe in this world you are in, you are scared to move out of it.

This is not to do with him it's to do with you!!!!!

BigAunty

You say he's very tech savvy and haven't put it beyond him to be able to intercept your electronic PC/phone communications.

After years of abusive and isolating behaviour, and massive denial of the impact of his poor behaviour on you, he's suddenly stopped harassing you and proposed some magic and much wanted solutions?

Just out of the blue?

All at once, he managed to abstain from a massive display of histrionics upon your return, bequeathed you permission to be freer and he has made an effort to get out of the house?

Yet before you expressed your reservations about the relationship and desire to end it in public (albeit anonymously on a forum), he would routinely bombard you with texts and prevent you from leaving the house?

Sorry, I don't think he's had a spontaneous change in consciousness or a massive mental health recovery overnight, I wonder whether he's intercepted your messages and knows it's game over if he doesn't buck up. He knows the 'woe is me' mode is wearing thin with you.

On a practical note, how can you go out to work if he's not a stay at home student? If he's well enough to study at Uni, perhaps he's well enough to be a house husband so you can be the main earner (once again)? Perhaps you need to do some sums to see whether it might be better for him to work part time, study part time or do child care part time/study part time.

You see the effort in him enrolling in Uni as a positive step whereas I cannot see any overall advantage for your household, in terms of reducing expenditure on child care, increasing income from employment or facilitating your return to employment. Did he explain how the Uni plan may/may not fit in with your employment plans? The needs of the children? You see it as freedom for you if he is out of the house more but I can't see how you can advance with your plan to be less dependent on benefits.

Perhaps you need to tell him 'Either work or look after the children as your primary activity, your studies aren't going to put bread on the table. If you can't work, then I must. If I work, you need to fit your studies around my employment and our children'. I really don't think his sudden dedication to full time studies is that much of a leap forward for you. To me, it just ties you to the house and kids more than now.

wannabe_sybil

Hi, I suggest that you keep a diary (somewhere safe from him!) and also keep posting, even if you don't get replies or get replies that make you feel uncomfortable.

Please be careful.

paddy's_mum

I think it's time you stopped all this "hint" "mention" and "suggestion" (see your post number 92) and started insisting, demanding and taking. People who behave as doormats get walked on and his mental health problems don't make it impossible for him to see and act on an opportunity to do exactly that.

Sadly, I find his sudden and miraculous change of stance to be very worrying indeed...once again (along with others) I urge you to be very careful about your physical safety.

BigAunty

Obviously there's no real evidence that her manipulative partner has intercepted her messages and now knows her plans - just a hunch because of a rapid turnaround in their position, one that's been entrenched and utterly inflexible to date.

However, if that is the case, it just shows how devious he is.

But all this sudden and unexpected effort to be cooperative, if it does come from a devious act, just shows you how much he took advantage of the OP in the past to get his own way. And how he is now repositioning himself to continue to take advantage of her.

It also shows how his behaviour has actually ultimately been controllable - because he is now consciously reigning it in and starting to show her a bit more respect. So he could have switched off the abuse at will and made a conscious effort that he is now promising but had no incentive to do so.

He could have always chosen to be respectful, loving and supporting despite his illness but refused to take personal responsibility for his behaviour - she had to bend her life to accommodate his 'illness' when there was never any excuse to be so oppressive towards her.

The OP is, however, choosing to see his miraculous insight as a good thing and all the terrible pressures she endured as understandable. Stockholm Syndrome?

"Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness.

Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses,.... ... abuses, or intimidates the other."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

BigAunty

Actually, I've just read back my last post and it sounds quite aggressive and rude, sorry. I know at the end of the day that the OP loves her partner, just wants them to be well, and sees his recovery as important for her to regain her personal freedom and happiness, and that's a valid point.

Cherry24

Think this thread is getting out of control. Accusations of stockholm syndrome and internet monitoring (as if it is fact) when it is pure speculation.
What exactly do people see as a good outcome from this situation? From the previous posts, him being more considerate and trying to change (whether it is genuine or not - which none of us know) obviously isn't it.

ognum

Cherry24 wrote: »

Think this thread is getting out of control. Accusations of stockholm syndrome and internet monitoring (as if it is fact) when it is pure speculation.
What exactly do people see as a good outcome from this situation? From the previous posts, him being more considerate and trying to change (whether it is genuine or not - which none of us know) obviously isn't it.

Stockholm syndrome, I'm not sure about that but the OP constantly believes he is improving (just a little).

I do think that the OP should be aware that many people who reach a crisis often appear to have changed, become better, become more light hearted just before a fall.

BigAunty

Cherry24 wrote: »

Think this thread is getting out of control. Accusations of stockholm syndrome and internet monitoring (as if it is fact) when it is pure speculation.
.

My SS theory was done in jest, in response to repeated observations that the OP gave enormous significance to his tiny changes that weren't thought to merit much attention. I've already apologised for it.

This thread has gone the way of virtually all threads - diverse and often contradictory advice, so far so normal.

The OP gets food for thought to consider the whole spectrum, from her hubby having a truly genuine and spontaneous wake-up call to change his behaviour that merely happens to coincide with her plans to leave him, right up to the more sinister theories.

In case you are new to this forum, we actually have come across instances of women whose partners have hacked their emails and installed tracking software on their phones, including one lady who was housed in a refuge and stalked there by her ex - he was able to locate her and she had to be moved again and bin her phone. These are just worse case scenarios, risks that will probably never be realised but it does no harm to consider good, average, pessimistic scenarios - she is receiving a mixed and variety of responses.

Cherry24 wrote: »

What exactly do people see as a good outcome from this situation? From the previous posts, him being more considerate and trying to change (whether it is genuine or not - which none of us know) obviously isn't it. .

I see a good outcome from this situation as the OP actually gaining her wishes that most normal household members enjoy but which has been frustrated by her hubby for many years at great personal and emotional loss to herself.

She has explicitly says she wants to be able to meet her studying commitments, gain a job, have a social life, without being harassed, monitored, sabotaged and blackmailed into staying by his side 24/7. She has also expressed a desire to have more children.

Though not explicitly outlined, I think she would like to be able to trust her husband to mind the children and perhaps for her hubby to re-enter the workforce, and for the household to be financially better off, though the OP can clarify if that's the case or not.

That is what she desires, so the criteria for success is actually regaining her full personal freedom - normal activities that most people enjoy.

The odd positive comment from her hubby isn't going to cut the mustard unless actions match his words. Time will tell whether he has a genuine commitment to supporting her, instead of perpetually frustrating her or whether he retracts back into control-mode.