Struggling and no one to turn to.

BigAunty

On the issue on whether or not her hyper-vigilent partner is aware of her plans by compromising her electronic communication, the OP has admitted he has the skills and attitude that lends itself to this possibility "Yes there is definitely the chance he can do that, and may well do."

BigAunty

Here is an overview of what the OP wants and dislikes. It's a mix of direct quotes and my interpretation so feel free to correct me.

"All I want is to be free to visit friends and family on my own and to just go off shopping or whatever without him falling to pieces and us having a big row...[for us to have a normal life]..I just want to be able to go to uni, work, friends all in daytime without a massive drama. Drama which has led to me not actually bothering, I feel like I am withering away".

She would like parity with the social activities and freedom he routinely barrs her from but enjoys himself. "If I even mention going shopping on my own or with my friend all I get is a million excuses as to why I shouldn't go. But it is fine for him to drop the boys at swimming club or cadets and then go to his friends house and given that he drops off and picks up 5 days a week he sees various friends that often. It feels really unfair...I hope that he will realise that he has been getting time out and then understand that I need that too"

She doesn't want him to continue to blame her for his behaviour. She wants him to stop blaming everyone else for it. She wants him to follow through with his plans which he never does, such as finding voluntary work. She wants him to regain motivation for other things other than the 6 of the family members staying in the house without ever going out.

She worries her children will absorb this abnormal behaviour and replicate it as adults and that she has to make exhaustive efforts to protect them from the stress he generates. She doesn't want her children to grow up thinking that his behaviour is normal "... that the man doesn't allow the woman any freedom. I would hate for my boys to treat any future wife like this due to thinking this is how it should be. "

She would like him to behave like most husbands, taking care of the children without her supervision and taking an interest in household expenditure and lending a hand with budgeting/bill paying without going on the type of silly spending sprees that he's indulged in the past. She would like him to consider having more children but apparently he reacts badly to young children "I feel sad at the prospect of no more children as I always had plans for a large family, however he is always far worse when we have babies/young children."

She doesn't want to feel like a trapped prisoner and has begun thinking that his behaviour may be a deliberate ploy - "I start to wonder if he is exaggerating it all to control me...I do know he doesn't mean to be like this but then I doubt it, and think he is lying and just wants control over me as he is paranoid and doesn't trust me..." She would like him to stop threatening suicide and employing other pressure tactics like sulking and shouting when she tries to get her own way on a matter.

She would like to stop tip-toeing around him and putting his feelings first above hers. She wants to be able to be herself instead of changing her behaviour just to keep him calm - "it feels that he doesn't actually want me to be."

She wants to stop feeling ashamed and embarrassed at how things have ended up for her. She thinks she probably has to leave him but then changes her mind on this decision. She emphathises with the misery caused by his mental illness but instead of dismissing her unhappiness as merely 10% of the suffering he endures, she would like the same degree of empathy back. She is 'frustrated, worn out' and believes she may need professional help because of the damage and unhappiness he has created.

Grumpelstiltskin

She would like him to behave like most husbands, taking care of the children without her supervision and taking an interest in household expenditure and lending a hand with budgeting/bill paying without going on the type of silly spending sprees that he's indulged in the past. She would like him to consider having more children but apparently he reacts badly to young children "I feel sad at the prospect of no more children as I always had plans for a large family, however he is always far worse when we have babies/young children."


Even after saying that I think the OP would willingly have another child with him. This I can't understand.

MoodyMel

BigAunty wrote: »

Here is an overview of what the OP wants and dislikes. It's a mix of direct quotes and my interpretation so feel free to correct me.

"All I want is to be free to visit friends and family on my own and to just go off shopping or whatever without him falling to pieces and us having a big row...[for us to have a normal life]..I just want to be able to go to uni, work, friends all in daytime without a massive drama. Drama which has led to me not actually bothering, I feel like I am withering away".

She would like parity with the social activities and freedom he routinely barrs her from but enjoys himself. "If I even mention going shopping on my own or with my friend all I get is a million excuses as to why I shouldn't go. But it is fine for him to drop the boys at swimming club or cadets and then go to his friends house and given that he drops off and picks up 5 days a week he sees various friends that often. It feels really unfair...I hope that he will realise that he has been getting time out and then understand that I need that too"

She doesn't want him to continue to blame her for his behaviour. She wants him to stop blaming everyone else for it. She wants him to follow through with his plans which he never does, such as finding voluntary work. She wants him to regain motivation for other things other than the 6 of the family members staying in the house without ever going out.

She worries her children will absorb this abnormal behaviour and replicate it as adults and that she has to make exhaustive efforts to protect them from the stress he generates. She doesn't want her children to grow up thinking that his behaviour is normal "... that the man doesn't allow the woman any freedom. I would hate for my boys to treat any future wife like this due to thinking this is how it should be. "

She would like him to behave like most husbands, taking care of the children without her supervision and taking an interest in household expenditure and lending a hand with budgeting/bill paying without going on the type of silly spending sprees that he's indulged in the past. She would like him to consider having more children but apparently he reacts badly to young children "I feel sad at the prospect of no more children as I always had plans for a large family, however he is always far worse when we have babies/young children."

She doesn't want to feel like a trapped prisoner and has begun thinking that his behaviour may be a deliberate ploy - "I start to wonder if he is exaggerating it all to control me...I do know he doesn't mean to be like this but then I doubt it, and think he is lying and just wants control over me as he is paranoid and doesn't trust me..." She would like him to stop threatening suicide and employing other pressure tactics like sulking and shouting when she tries to get her own way on a matter.

She would like to stop tip-toeing around him and putting his feelings first above hers. She wants to be able to be herself instead of changing her behaviour just to keep him calm - "it feels that he doesn't actually want me to be."

She wants to stop feeling ashamed and embarrassed at how things have ended up for her. She thinks she probably has to leave him but then changes her mind on this decision. She emphathises with the misery caused by his mental illness but instead of dismissing her unhappiness as merely 10% of the suffering he endures, she would like the same degree of empathy back. She is 'frustrated, worn out' and believes she may need professional help because of the damage and unhappiness he has created.

You have done a very good job of summarising BigAunty.

I just want a normal life; whatever one of those may be.

MoodyMel

Grumpelstiltskin wrote: »

She would like him to behave like most husbands, taking care of the children without her supervision and taking an interest in household expenditure and lending a hand with budgeting/bill paying without going on the type of silly spending sprees that he's indulged in the past. She would like him to consider having more children but apparently he reacts badly to young children "I feel sad at the prospect of no more children as I always had plans for a large family, however he is always far worse when we have babies/young children."


Even after saying that I think the OP would willingly have another child with him. This I can't understand.

Why do you think that?

I have no plans for any more children, with him or otherwise. Having babies/young children make him feel more vulnerable and unable to cope without me, hence him wanting to occupy my side 24/7 as there is more emphasis on my safety.

My future plans involve a career and becoming financially independent. I also want to be able to provide some financial support to our children as they go to university, buy a car, or a house etc...

BigAunty

To the OP - let me say how much I admire you. I am impressed by the way you've managed to separate the person from the illness and the level of compassion that you've shown and the length that you've shown it.

Even if you feel a bit low at the moment, I am optimistic that you will meet your aims because you are so motivated. Part of the battle is to recognise issues and then draw up a plan with some options - you are more progressed along the path that you think because you've covered those elements.

You have managed to combine a significant educational commitment with a chronic family illness and bringing up 4 children. Many people could not manage this mix at all.

You have managed to be able to think for yourself despite significant pressure to force you to doubt your beliefs. Many people would not be able to resist this but you have managed not to be totally subjugated.

You manage to look ahead to the future and see potential positive outcomes when other people would just find the situation bleak or unthinkable. You are not trapped in the past. These are good signs.

MoodyMel

Thank you to everyone on this board/thread for being here.

I have taken all of the advice and suggestions on board and have gained a lot of additional knowledge, that I didn't previously have, which I believe will help me (and my husband).

My savings are still a priority as I do not want to feel trapped, although I will now make sure I also have enough to cover the months notice that I may need to give on our current property, if it ever comes to that.

While he is on his 'good spell' and managing to think clearly and focus I am not pressing joint therapy or a GP's visit but if he feels the need to come searching for me or phoning the police because I am 5 minutes late home, then I will put in place this next step.

Additionally my friend is up for bingo so I am going to set that up and (sort of) put my foot down... I know he can cope perfectly well and he can always invite a friend over for company if need be.

Oh and I am also going to get our financial stuff together and go through it all with him. Although I don't want him to take charge of the finances, as it is the only thing I feel in control of, plus I am 'generally' more sensible with money than he is so it works well as it is, I do understand his fear of not knowing how it all works.

Thanks again everyone. I will probably post in here at times in order to remind myself where I am and where I am heading iygwim.

xx