Struggling and no one to turn to.

Amanda65

[QUOTE=
Someone else mentioned samaritans as well so when he is out next I might call them and ask for help. I wasn't sure if they offered advice..[/QUOTE]


This link from the Samaritans website explains what they do and how they can signpost to other organisations if you need specialist help.

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/what-happens-when-you-contact-us

MoodyMel

ALI1973 wrote: »

Mel, it reads like he doesn't trust you, as you say he is ok with you going to Uni as long as he takes and collects, and yet he doesn't seem to like you being out of an evening? (thats how it is sounding to me). My ex was like this and it was a controlling behaviour, he used to say it was because he was worried about me getting hurt etc, what it really was, was his own insecurities.

This is what I worry about. I know he does have OCD, there are many many things that have indicated it over the years. But I also think after all these years if it was purely MH issues he would be getting better now. I don't give him reason not to trust me. I am lost. I don't know if he is just trying to control me due to actual mh problems or his own paranoia.


Do you know where your DH's issues stem from? has this been explored with his therapist?

Childhood. His mum was an alcoholic. His dad was violent, in fact they were both violent towards each other. Both drank alot. His dad used to leave them with no money for food or electric and kept it all to himself to spend in the pub. His brother has attempted suicide a few times and has been sectioned a few times. he was also an alcoholic and heavy drug user.. He is now in a type of assisted living unit.


Is he aware that you will need to go on placement with Uni?, what is his opinion on that?
Thankfully I don't need to. I have 3 months left and I am finished.

How are your children reacting to all of this? (my Dad was at home with my Mum from when I was 8, and I can honestly say, life was difficult. Dad didn't have an issue with Mum going out, but they were together all day/night and the resentment was obvious to us kids, tbh we couldn't wait to leave home)

I try to shelter them from it all. I have no doubt they see it, they aren't stupid. I don't think it is affecting them too badly though they are all great kids, sociable, all doing brilliantly in school etc.. I make sure they get to go out to see friends, even if it causes me stress as I then have to have him pacing up and down checking his phone every five seconds in case they call, checking the time... He has even got in the car and gone looking for them before today although I have said if they see him I will go ballistic so he has assured me they didn't see him.

I understand you feel embarrassed (I was too when my ex was violent), but please know that there is support out there who will not judge you, and your GP is a good starting point.

He has never been violent well once but that is because I slapped him and he only slapped me back.
He has been borderline when we have had big bust ups but has always restrained himself. He is just vocally angry and loud and shouty when we argue.. or when I try to talk and he doesn't like what im saying...

But as I say in the last year or so this seems to be a lot better and he sees a lot calmer. But no less fearful when I leave the house.

P.s that slap happened about 11-12 years ago.. Within a year or so he was on medication and receiving counselling.

MoodyMel

I have been off uni for a week, well 2 weeks as I didn't manage to get there the week before reading week either, and I am due to go back tomorrow.

I dread days that I need to go out.

He has just sold his motorbike asnd bought a car as he claims that will make him feel better. So if anything happens to me he has a car to transport the kids round etc.. he said he also won't feel trapped in the house while I take the car.

I am not convinced it will actually make a difference but I have humoured him and gone along with it. I am praying something makes a difference. There have been occasions I have taken myself to uni. He has tried to distract himself when it is my returning home time by taking the dog for a walk so he is just 'waiting' for me to return.

It is things like this that make me believe him, but then other things like causing rows if I make plans to visit friends make me think he just doesn't trust me and wants to control me.

FWIW I control all the finances, simply because it is all my money.. He doesn't have any money of his own. Obviously I say he can buy stuff if he needs it, or if he 'wants' something just to check with me that there is money in the account spare, i.e not about to be taken by bills. He is fine with this... mostly.... He does say it is another stress that makes him worry that if I die in a car crash he won't know how to run the house and finances etc...

[Deleted User]

It is obvious how much you care for your OH but also obvious that you have been in this situation so long you can't see what it is (been there done it).

When a partner has problems, and they are in a long standing relationship.., to make life a bit easier, the other person can become a bit of an enabler. You have done things to make sure you have some sort of life (studying) but allow him to shape your behaviour in many other ways because of the fallout. I'm not judging you, really I'm not.., done it myself. You can't even see yourself as a carer, when you clearly are.

Try some counselling (MIND do low cost counselling, you can self refer and phone them up yourself). It may help you to either modify things at home, or decide what you want and who you are. It will also help you enormously to have someone impartial to talk to., major stress reduction! It must sometimes feel like you are in wonderland and no one notices.

You have had enormous strength of character to cope this long.., really you have (having four children on its own would be enough to make most pull their hair out). You've guided and supported your partner to encourage him to modify his behaviour in some ways - don't underestimate that. So many couldn't. Now try to put that strength of character to use in changing your life. Re-aim it.

Chia

Sorry to hear you're going through this. People can have genuine and unfortunate mental health problems and need help, and at the same time can be controlling spouses, and if the latter is a long-term pattern as it seems to be here, you do not owe it to him to stick around to see if he gets better at some stage (I know you know that, but want to emphasise it for anyone else reading this thread who may be in a similar situation). Nor do you owe it to him to try to forcibly initiate and manage his recovery if there is to be one. You do owe it to yourself to do what's right for you, which as you already realise, could involve leaving if things do not improve.

No one should feel like a prisoner. Someone else in the thread brought up the idea of you wearing a GPS locator - I'd advise you not to do this unless you're hiking or searching for Bigfoot or something! That's just playing into his isolating and controlling behaviour patterns, which are not acceptable no matter how much of it may be linked to mental health problems.

Best of luck to you whatever course you choose.

[Deleted User]

And don't get an iphone. My 19 year old became a bit stressed coming home, and as we couldn't get to where he was because at a vital moment he switched off his phone, then got on a bus, we tracked him home, every metre of the journey lol. He has aspergers and doesn't travel well and was having a bit of a melt down so as we couldn't go and get him, followed him home through his iphone.

But it did feel a bit intrusive to do that.

So I wouldn't advise getting an iphone in the OP's situation.

Dozey_crow

MoodyMel wrote: »

I was looking on the MIND website earlier but i'm not sure if any of the info is relevant to me. I am not a carer?

Someone else mentioned samaritans as well so when he is out next I might call them and ask for help. I wasn't sure if they offered advice..

theoretica wrote: »

Are you sure? I think you probably meet the definition - you certainly are spending a lot of your life stopping him having panic attacks which seems like care to me.

Hi, the definition of 'carer' is a bit loose to be honest but from what you are saying or seems that this is the case. They are really nice people though so they should be able to help you or at least point you on the right direction. Also go to your GP and see if they can offer you some counseling and other support. The Samaritans is a great idea they will also be able to offer assistance.

MoodyMel

Thank you everyone.

I really have never seen myself as a carer as I associate that term with physically looking after someone. I try not to look after him any more than I would any partner I may have 'ended' up with. I am quite a strong willed (and stubborn) person so try not to let myself pander to him. He used to be a hypochondriac and panic that he was having heart attacks, or numerous other ailments.. he no longer is as I just ignore him. I know that sounds harsh but there is nothing wrong with him. I can't be doing with namby pamby 'oh i'm so sick' behaviour etc.. I tell him to get on with it and he gets little sympathy from me.
Hence I don't see my self as a carer, because I don't care iygwim. Obviously I care for him, but I don't run around after him. My limit is chucking a box of paracetamol at him.

One problem is that years ago I would argue till the cows come home about going out, I even got a few nights out without him. BUT I now can't be bothered. I am out of energy and feel like what is the point. For the kids benefit I just try to keep things calm in the house.
The only problem with this is that I think it is misleading him into believing things are fine, and they most certainly are not! This year is my final year here, unless things change. Once I finish my degree I will need to work. If he can't just get on with his own life and let me get on with mine, whilst remaining married and raising the kids together, then I will leave. I am not concerned about being alone or a single parent.. I would just rather us stay together we both love each other and when tensions aren't running high we get along great.

I told him over half term that when I go back to uni this week I HAVE to start attending every lecture as I am going to fail otherwise. He has said he understands and knows that.. We will see what happens.

I am prepared for baby steps. I know he won't change overnight, I just need to see things getting better. I want to be able to just walk out the door and say "I'm going to visit xyz, back in a couple of hours" or decide on a whim to go shopping, or stop at my mums on the home from uni etc etc..

My sister and her husband have had holidays seperately, gone on friends hen and stag weekends..

I don't want any of that I just want to be able to go to uni, work, friends all in daytime without a massive drama. Drama which has led to me not actually bothering, I feel like I am withering away and desperately trying to cling on to the strong individual I once was. In fact one of the reasons he says he fell in love with me is that I am such a strong, determined person. Yet it feels that he doesn't actually want me to be.

I can't afford to pay for counselling. He has had his nhs designated allocation from the NHS of CBT and they said that is it he can't have any more. I think he would benefit from any counselling far more than me. I feel like a bit of a wreck but with time spent living in normality I am sure I would be fine...


Oh and no way will I be getting a gps tracker (or an iphone)
In fact he was out playing snooker with my brother (he wanted me to go with him but I stayed at home with the kids instead) on saturday night and he wanted me to put skype on my phone, he claims it was to show the boys his snooker shots... I wouldn't put it on.

RAS

Hi

Since you are at university, you need to speak to your course leader or personal tutor and tell them what is happening.

They may well be able to refer you to Occupational Health for counselling, or at least to the Welfare Officer.

They can also help you if they know what is happening at home. So if you do not turn up, they ring or text you and make a bit of a song and dance about your absence which might anable you to get out of the house more often.

One thing you might bear in mind is that whilst you desparately want to graduate and then get a job, your OH may conciously or unconciously not want you to succeed because that would allow you to stay at home with him.

duchy

theoretica wrote: »

I wonder if he would be easier in his mind if you carried a GPS locator for a while? It would be a loss of your privacy, but perhaps worth it if it led to an increase in freedom to go out.

Have any of the medical professionals seen him having the anxiety attacks when you leave? I wonder if this would get him more help?

Are you for real ?

Validating his unrealistic expectations makes no sense at all.

My biggest worry would be my kids growing up believing this is normal marital behaviour -and how it would affect their future relationships.