Struggling and no one to turn to.

Soleil_lune

Can't add anything to what has been said hun, as you have been given some cracking advice already, but I want to reach out and hug you!

You (and he) need some serious professional help. I would start with the doctor.

I am sorry I have nothing else to say, but I feel painfully sorry for you and wish you happiness and good health and peace.

I hope it will all be OK soon, and that you (and he) get the help you need. This situation cannot go on.

MoodyMel

barbie_babe wrote: »

Would he go back to gp and ask them to change medication. His medication is clearly not working.
Is he invovled with a community mental health team if not ask gp to refer, they can help your family through out this diffcult time.

He has been on a few different medications and in all honesty I do believe he is better than he was say 9 years ago when he first went to the doctors. I am concerned about his recent(ish) lowering of the dose but kind of agree that he was a bit zombiefied and as he studies part time with the Open University this was affecting him staying awake etc... Since lowering the dose he is much more normal. In fact i would say he is a lot better as even a couple of years ago he would be screaming at everyone over such petty things. Lately he manages to deal with general household hustle and bustle (noisy kids/squabbling etc) a lot better than he has for years.
So in a way I am prepared to see how he goes with the lowered dose. Although admittedly I have on occasion told him he needs to increase them, in an argument.

Amanda65 wrote: »

I'm not sure I'm going to be a lot of help but didn't want to read and run.

Firstly I think you have done extremely well to keep everything together for so long. It sounds as though you have put up with the situation for an easy life but that it has now, completely understandably, got to breaking point.

Thank you, yes this is the case. I am struggling myself to see any point in living if I have to live like this for the rest of my life.

If you haven't got friends or family to offer you support then do call the Samaritans. I did a course with them last year and was very impressed with the way they work and support they give.

Secondly as the problem is your husband's perception of how your relationship should work, would he consider marriage guidance or couples counselling? Does he realise how close you are to calling time on his relationship.

I told him 2 weeks ago things have got to change or I am leaving. I don't think he believes me. We were having an argument at the time due to me missing uni because of him having a melt down that I was leaving him with the kids for 2hrs so i could go to my evening seminar at uni.

I'm no expert but the smaller his world has got, ie you and the children, the more he probably he frightened of losing it, hence the irrational fear of something happening to you. If he can't won't work with others would he consider volunteering where he was under less pressure which might give him another outlet to focus on and you some much needed space?

He himself has mentioned volunteering with CAB but like everything he says, he never follows through, He has very little motivation for anything. Even days out it is always me that has to arrange it all. he would happily (or maybe not happily, but it would make his mental state easier) have all 6 of us sit in the house and never go out.

j.e.j. wrote: »

Does he even accept that he has a problem? or is it everyone else's fault (as often the case with people who can't or won't take responsibility for their own lives)? He's got a choice, - get some serious help, (not just a token course of tablets from the GP) or lose his family.

Don't give in to his emotional blackmail, hard though it may be. You say he 'almost' cut his wrists? Would he actually do that, and risk being sectioned under the Mental Health Act, or is it a means to get you to do as he wants..

I honestly don't know if he would do it or not. I am at the point where I don't really care if he would or not. Life would be easier without him. I know that sounds horrible but it feels like it is the only way out of this prison. The one and only reason I stopped him is because the kids were in the house upstairs.

Dozey_crow

Hi, sorry to read about these troubles. Has your husband ever had a social worker? If so it may be with contacting them. Alternatively there is MIND.. They are really helpful even if you haven't contacted then before, or the local mental health team. There are also groups for carers now and changes to the law in April may mean you get more help.

Reach out, get help and stay strong.

MoodyMel

ALI1973 wrote: »

OP it sounds awful for you and must be affecting your children also. It really isn't healthy for you all to be together 24 hrs a day.

If your DH is adamant that it is you that has a problem, how about getting yourself some counselling? it would give you a chance to talk through all your issues with someone who can help you gain some perspective, and will also give you some time alone?

I am a full time student in my 3rd year. The only reason I have managed to complete the last two years is A) I missed a hell of a lot of lectures and seminars, to the ppoint where the uni were pulling me in for attendance problems. I managed to go to lectures/seminars that were only fully within school hours and c) He dropped me off and picked me up on a lot of the occasions I went.

Could you not get a job (even part time?), could you suggest that you are doing it to take the pressure off him getting one?


I am panicking as I finish uni in June and will need to find at least 24hrs employment. This is going to push me over the limit. I can't just not turn up for work because he is having a melt down about me going. I won't necessarily find 'school hours' so will have to pay for childcare after school

Have you told him that his behaviour is making you ill? if not, tell him, give him a chance to seek help for himself too, as he really needs to break this cycle. It reads from your post that he was in employment 9 years ago, what changed to make him want to be at home?


Also, your husband threats are abusive (been there), but only he (and you?) would know if he would genuinely carry these out?, if you think they are just threats then I would try not to be blackmailed by them, if you think he would, then ensure that if you are going out that you contact your GP/Mental Health Team to advise of his threat. But you really need to stop allowing him to hold you (and your kids) to ransom.

I truly hope you can gain some peace and freedom.

Thank you. I am too embarrassed to call anyone. But I know I need to,

MoodyMel

ljonski wrote: »

whatever happens, it is clear that you do need some time on your own or with someone else you can off load onto. Definitely refer yourself to your GP for counselling or get it privately. You have lasted 20 years, so it may take some time to get back into a manageable situation. HTh

I have been wondering if the gp will be able to help me somehow? All i need is for him to believe in himself. If anything DID happen to me I know he would be fine. He thinks he can't cope, he says he can't look after the kids etc.. but I know he can. I have tried to make him believe he can.

This is why I start to wonder if he is exaggerating it all to control me. I am starting to wonder if I am going out of my mind!!

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

You need outside assistance, contact your local Carers organisation about arranging respite help.

What is respite? I thought that was for disabled children so parents can have time away.

FBaby wrote: »

It seems that the situation has reached the point of no turning back. You need to be totally honest with him and he needs to face the fact that he has two choices, either losing you for good, or losing you for a few hours at a time being reassured that in all likelihood, you will be back. Sounds like a no-brainer, but then he needs to really believe that it is that or losing you, so you need to make it clear to him whatever threats he makes.

I have tried to say this, but in arguments. I don't think he believes me.
We have a holiday booked in August. I have been saving for spending money, well that is what he thinks the savings are for. In reality I have been saving for a deposit to move out.
It is the last thing I want. I do know he doesn't mean to be like this but then I doubt it, and think he is lying and just wants control over me as he is paranoid and doesn't trust me.

I don't want to leave. I just want him to be normal. I just want to be able to nip the local shop for bread without it turning into a huge drama. The one or two occasions in the last few years I have done this he has been pacing outside the house waiting for me to get in. I have only been gone 10 minutes.

He isn't angry or anything, he is on the verge of an anxiety attack.

MoodyMel

raven83 wrote: »

One thing I will say about mental health problems, is that the person always thinks it is everyone else that has the problem ( I myself suffer from mental health problems.)

Not sure what to say, other than the fact you need to sit down and have a very candid discussion with him, people with mental health issues need a certain approach, so stay calm, write it all down if that helps first, then talk to him.

It is a challenge living with someone that has MH problems, I know I am difficult at the best of times, but it can get better with the right help and with the person's cooperation. Don't make any rash decisions, especially if you don't really want to leave.

Thank you for this.

I have thought on many occasions about writing him a letter. Do you think this would work. I can't face any more arguments.

I don't want to leave I really don't. I just feel that to live a normal life I will need to.

i also think it is bad for the kids to see this as they might grow up to think it is normal that the man doesn't allow the woman any freedom. I would hate for my boys to treat any future wife like this due to thinking this is how it should be.

MoodyMel

Dozey_crow wrote: »

Hi, sorry to read about these troubles. Has your husband ever had a social worker? If so it may be with contacting them. Alternatively there is MIND.. They are really helpful even if you haven't contacted then before, or the local mental health team. There are also groups for carers now and changes to the law in April may mean you get more help.

Reach out, get help and stay strong.

I was looking on the MIND website earlier but i'm not sure if any of the info is relevant to me. I am not a carer?

Someone else mentioned samaritans as well so when he is out next I might call them and ask for help. I wasn't sure if they offered advice..

theoretica

I wonder if he would be easier in his mind if you carried a GPS locator for a while? It would be a loss of your privacy, but perhaps worth it if it led to an increase in freedom to go out.

Have any of the medical professionals seen him having the anxiety attacks when you leave? I wonder if this would get him more help?

theoretica

MoodyMel wrote: »

I was looking on the MIND website earlier but i'm not sure if any of the info is relevant to me. I am not a carer?

Someone else mentioned samaritans as well so when he is out next I might call them and ask for help. I wasn't sure if they offered advice..

Are you sure? I think you probably meet the definition - you certainly are spending a lot of your life stopping him having panic attacks which seems like care to me.

ALI1973

Mel, it reads like he doesn't trust you, as you say he is ok with you going to Uni as long as he takes and collects, and yet he doesn't seem to like you being out of an evening? (thats how it is sounding to me). My ex was like this and it was a controlling behaviour, he used to say it was because he was worried about me getting hurt etc, what it really was, was his own insecurities.

Do you know where your DH's issues stem from? has this been explored with his therapist?

Is he aware that you will need to go on placement with Uni?, what is his opinion on that?

How are your children reacting to all of this? (my Dad was at home with my Mum from when I was 8, and I can honestly say, life was difficult. Dad didn't have an issue with Mum going out, but they were together all day/night and the resentment was obvious to us kids, tbh we couldn't wait to leave home)

I understand you feel embarrassed (I was too when my ex was violent), but please know that there is support out there who will not judge you, and your GP is a good starting point.